The Mysteries of Motherhood

Why your toddler always wants a wee, a chat about why she doesn’t have three ears, or help putting on her Barbie socks the very second you step in the shower.

Why having made many, many cups of tea since your baby was born you have never once lifted one to your lips before it’s gone cold.

Why the health visitor believes it’s remotely feasible to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’. That’s your only chance to go to the loo/stuff in some washing/make the bed/attempt to eat a whole sandwich in one sitting.

Why your buggy looks quite nippy but feels like a stalled tractor as you break out in a sweat trying to manoeuvre it through a café door.

Why your partner is secretly convinced he’s just as tired as you (but knows better than to do anything so life-threateningly foolish as to say so).

Why you’re doggedly sticking with cream carpets despite that finger-paint episode you still can’t bring yourself to talk about.

How once you had quite high standards for a night out, but now just not having to sit in the ‘family room’ with the ketchup-smeared chairs counts as livin’ it up, babe.

Why you do actually find Teletubbies strangely restful.

Why the only bedroom fantasy you have left involves sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.
 
How whatever colour food you feed your child, the stains you end up wearing to the supermarket are always orange.

Why your dream of being a yummy mummy has turned out to be as doomed as that other dream you had of a neat little bump.

Why you’ve always been rubbish at maths but can calculate precisely how much shopping will fit in the pram basket, down to the last pack of babywipes.

Why there’s plenty of room when you go to sleep, yet by 2am you’re clinging to the edge of the bed with a chubby little foot in your face and the duvet kicked off.

Why you find yourself singing the Underground Ernie theme tune way more than your child does.

Why just one capful of spilt glitter can coat your entire home and still be turning up on your cheek four weeks later.

Why you can never bring yourself to throw away leftover fish fingers and always have to finish them off instead.

How, despite knowing how mad it is, you get sucked into a sort of potty training/walking/talking race by the competitive mums at the toddler group.

Why you’ve got 657 digital photos of your little darling – but no time to get them printed and put in an album.

How you acquired roughly 100 baby drinking cups, but can never find the lid to any of them.

Why you couldn’t even put up a deckchair before you had a baby, yet now there’s no pushchair, car seat or highchair that can defeat you.

Why you balk at buying yourself a posh mascara, but will happily hand over a fortune for another gallon of factor zillion kiddie suncream.

Why you ever thought being a mum was going to be easy.  And why you never imagined how fantastic it is.