How to understand your baby

Recent research shows that babies whose mums understand them when they’re young make better progress in life. Here’s how to make sense of what your little one’s trying to tell you…

'She just doesn’t understand me…!’ You thought that was the cry of frustrated, misunderstood husbands everywhere, talking about their wives. But if research from the University of Durham is anything to go by, it could just as easily be the cry of frustrated babies, talking about their mums, if only they could put their feelings into words.

Before your baby’s speech is properly developed, he has all sorts of other ways to get his message across – it’s just that not all of them are easily fathomable! But tricky as it may seem, research shows that if you make the effort to understand your little one in the early days, it will help strengthen the bond between you, and can even help him achieve success later in life.

Your newborn’s cries

Crying is normal – it’s the only language your newborn baby knows. And he will use it to get your attention, whatever the problem. Newborns cry, on average, for nearly two hours a day, and in those stressful first weeks, it can be tricky to work out exactly what he’s trying to tell you.

As you get to know your baby better, you’ll start to identify what he wants from the pitch of his cry and eventually, you’ll be the best judge of what he’s trying to say. ‘I tuned into my baby amazingly quickly,’ says Jane, mum to Jessica, now three.

‘When I first brought her home from hospital my midwife said I’d learn to tell the different kinds of cries, but it all just sounded like a wall of noise to me. But after a couple of weeks it became second nature and I could tell whether Jessica was tired, hungry or bored. It was something unique to her though – I was unable to identify the different cries of my friend’s babies.’

The closer you and your baby get, the more you’ll learn to anticipate his feelings and you may find that he cries less because you’ve already sussed out what he needs in advance.

In the meantime, if he just won’t stop crying and you have no idea why, the best solution is to go through a checklist of possible problems and eradicate them one by one.

The main reason babies cry is hunger, so try offering a feed first. He may also cry because of pain (which is often caused by wind), boredom, over-stimulation, having a wet or dirty nappy, being too hot or cold, or simply because he wants a cuddle.

If your baby is in pain, his cry will be different from other cries in several important ways; it is often louder, high-pitched, urgent and continuous.

Look out for other signs – such as pulling up his knees (a sign of stomach ache) or looking red and flustered because he’s too hot.

As your baby grows, he will learn other ways of communicating, such as eye contact, smiling and making noises, which reduce the need for crying. Tickling and games of peekaboo will encourage him to interact with you.

If your baby feels important and listened to early on, it will encourage him to open up as he develops and grows.

Body language

You can tell a lot from your little one’s facial expressions and body movements, so take time to focus on these. Frightened eyes, clenched fists and a rigid body speak volumes about how he’s feeling. He’ll be able to express joy too – notice how he wriggles in delight when you walk into the room or talk to him.

Tired babies often rub their eyes and hungry ones may curl up close to their empty tummies but his movements may be small and uncoordinated so they can be difficult to spot and interpret. As your little one gets older and movements are more coordinated it will become more obvious what he is trying to tell you.

Watch his eyes in particular. ‘Pupil size increases when people view something that stimulates them,’ says body language expert Allan Pease, author of The Definitive Book of Body Language (Orion Books, £14.99).

‘Young babies and children have larger pupils than adults, and babies’ pupils constantly dilate when adults are present, in an attempt to look as appealing as possible and therefore receive constant attention. But, if they are particularly interested in something, their pupils will widen.’

So watch your baby closely and you will soon be able to see what interests him in particular and who he responds well to.

As your baby gets older, he may also start getting his message across using mime-like actions – pointing at things he wants or leading you by the hand to somewhere he wants you to be.

Pay attention to what he’s trying to tell you and reward him by demonstrating that you know what he means – such as: ‘Ah, you want me to get you a drink’.
Allan explains: ‘Small children use very basic body language.

If a toddler doesn’t want to listen to a reprimanding parent, he simply covers his ears with his hands to block out the noise.

When he sees something he doesn’t want to look at, he covers his eyes with his hands or arms. When he wants a cuddle he simply holds out his arms.’

Body language can also be crucial in spotting when toddlers are telling fibs. ‘Children often use hand-to-face gestures openly when they lie,’ explains Allan. ‘If a child tells a lie, he will often cover his mouth with one or both hands in an attempt to stop the deceitful words from coming out.’

Think about your body language too. ‘Before babies learn to understand what you are saying, it’s your body language, and the tone and emphasis of your voice that conveys a message, not the actual words you use,’ says Allan.

‘Babies are hardwired from birth to decode your body language – knowing if someone is upset, angry, sad or unhappy is a basic survival skill.’

When talking to your baby, make sure your eyes are at the same level. Mimicking your baby’s gestures is also a good tactic. ‘It will make your tot comfortable, and reassure him that you feel the same way as him,’ says Allan.

‘I’d advise mums not to consciously think about understanding their babies,’ says Sam, mum to Patrick, one, Lucy, three and Ellie, seven. ‘Just spend time with your children and it comes naturally. When you start trying to decode everything you’ll tie yourself in knots.

Relax and trust your judgement about things and invariable you’ll be right. Once I started doing that I became a better mum. Mother really does know best.’

Hear this

Your baby starts to babble and gurgle at about four months old. It will sound like gobbledy-gook for the first few months, but the important thing is he’s beginning to copy the sounds he hears.

Your baby will probably say his first real words between 10 and 14 months. Chances are you may miss it, as pronunciation takes a while to become clear enough for adults to distinguish it from the baby babble. But just keep listening and encouraging – you’ll soon spot his attempts at certain words.

Your toddler will continue to use body language a lot as his speech develops. ‘As he becomes older, these gestures become quicker and less obvious, but they are still there.’ Listening to his words can take your focus away from what his body is telling you, explains Allan.

‘In recent times we humans have had an obsession with the spoken word. Most people, however, are remarkably unaware of body language signals and their impact. His body language will be very simple to understand if you just look out for it.’

Tracey, mum to five-year-old Jack, found he became very frustrated about getting his message across as he learnt to speak. ‘I found it helped if I got down to his level so I could look him in the eye and show I really was listening.

When I tried to help him out, he got even more frustrated so I learnt to give him time and attention and not put words in his mouth. When I really was at a loss, I’d tell him to show me and he’d often act out a little charade to tell me what he was trying to say. It looked funny but it helped Jack feel better understood.’

Time to chill

Spending quality time with your little one, without outside interference, will lead to better understanding. Limit background noise, such as the TV and radio, to give you both the opportunity to talk and listen properly.

Remember, too, that just like you, your baby needs some time out. Constant stimulation and interaction can be exhausting, so when he’s had enough, let him have some quiet time on his own.

If you notice him turning his head away while you’re chatting to him or playing with him, it could be that he needs a break.

Sign of the times

Your baby’s understanding will always be ahead of his speech development, so he can often get frustrated trying to get his message across. To help communication before he can talk, many parents are trying baby-signing classes.

The system, based on sign language for deaf people, teaches hearing adults and their baby (as young as six months) how to use hand signs and actions to explain what they want.

‘Babies often learn to understand many more signs than they actually produce,’ explains baby-signing expert Dr Joseph Garcia. ‘This understanding helps reduce toddler tantrums, and it can really make a dramatic impact on daily life.’

Liz Gee, from Colchester, Essex, bought a baby-signing book when her son Matthew was eight months old. ‘We had such fun “signing” to each other, we even ended up making up some signs of our own,’ she says. ‘Matthew didn’t seem to get frustrated when he was learning to talk and I’m sure that was because he was very happy to use his hands to get the message across too, even if that just meant pointing at things.’

Decode your baby

It’s important when trying to decipher what your baby is saying to pay attention to the circumstances, because one action in a particular setting may be sending a different message to the same action in a different scenario. Here are some pointers….

• If he puts his hands over his eyes… he might be saying there’s too much going on.

• If he chews or sucks his fingers… he might be saying ‘I’m teething’.

• If he looks away… he might be saying ‘can you leave me alone for a while/stop what you’re doing’.

• A loud, high-pitched, urgent cry… he might be saying ‘I’m in pain’.

• A moaning, tuneful cry… he might be saying ‘I’m tired’.