Challenge Mum- sleeping through

The Mission: To help a tired mum, dad and baby have a decent night’s sleep

The Family

Caroline, 25, and Glen Webber, 27, live in Croydon, Surrey, with their 10-month-old daughter, Jessica. Glen is a car technician and Caroline is a full-time mum

The Challenge

Caroline and Glen are shattered because Jessica has only slept through the night twice since she was born. She wakes continuously throughout the night, on the hour every hour, usually taking 20 minutes to be rocked back to sleep. Caroline and Glen are so exhausted they can barely function and they’ve started to blame each other for Jessica not sleeping. 

The Expert

Jackie Walsh, M&B’s health visitor gives her tips on the kiss and retreat technique:

The key is to help Jessica to settle to sleep without being rocked and for her to learn to get back to sleep on her own.

• Establish a set bedtime routine so the same sequence of events occur at the same time every night, just before you put her to bed. For example, teatime, playtime, bath, milk, story and then bed.

Take your little one to her cot fully awake, give her a kiss and lie her down. Keep the level of stimulation to a minimum, for example, make sure there’s no bright lights and loud voices. Say goodnight and leave the room.

If your baby begins to cry, leave her for a short while, for example for two to three minutes, or however long you feel comfortable with. After this time, go into the room and re-settle her. Calm her down by stroking her face and letting her know you’re there, then leave the room.

Stay out of the room for longer periods of time each time she cries, and when you go back in give her the minimum amount of stimulation to settle her, like a quick kiss or a gentle face stroke. Repeat this pattern until she falls asleep. If she wakes in the night, repeat the process until she settles, no matter how tired you are.

Night one

Glen and I are both wary of trying this new technique on Jessica, but we’re desperate. The thought of a peaceful night’s sleep is spurring us on as we’re beside ourselves with tiredness. Every single night is broken and the longest we manage to sleep is two to three hours. Glen works with heavy machinery and is worried his tiredness will lead to an accident, and I’m shattered all the time, to a point where I’m finding it hard to function.

So we sat down together and worked out a bedtime routine for her. At 7.45pm we give her a bath, then let her play for 10 minutes while we get her bottle ready. Until now Jessica has always fallen asleep while drinking her bedtime bottle, but tonight we kept her awake by letting her play. Then I read her a story and Glen took her to clean her teeth.

We decided I should take her up to her room. I laid her down in her cot, gave her a kiss and told her that I loved her, then I left the room. She started crying straightaway.

Glen and I had decided to take it in turns to go to her and we left her for five minutes, then 10 then 15. As the time got longer the worse the crying became. She was screaming at full pitch and I couldn’t bear to hear her crying, it made me feel so guilty. I kept looking at my watch, twitching to go back in, but Glen kept saying that it’ll be worth it in the end, so I stayed away. It was torture.

As soon as either of us went into the room she stopped crying and we laid her down or patted her bum. But as soon as we left she started again. ‘We’ll do it for a week,’ Glen and I kept saying to each other.

But I felt like it was going to go on all night. I kept thinking how we we’re making her unhappy, and for a mum, that’s hard to take. But five minutes later,it all went quiet. We strained our ears, but there was no sound. We couldn’t believe it. She was asleep and it was only 9pm.

We gave it another 15 minutes then went and covered her up. ‘Surely it can’t be that easy?’ we thought. We were right – half an hour later Jessica started screaming again and when I went in her little face was bright red and streaked with tears. I felt awful. But we started the pattern again, leaving her for five, 10 and then 15 minutes. All my baby wanted was a cuddle and it took all my willpower not to go to her, but Glen and I agreed we have to be strong.

Thirty-five minutes later and she was finally asleep and we crawled into bed exhausted. At 4.15am, we were awoken by the familiar sound of Jessica crying, but I looked at Glen in surprise. She’d slept much longer than she normally does – we’re used to just an hour.

We took it in turns to leave her for five minutes and then 10 minutes, but as the end of the 10 minutes approached she stopped crying all of a sudden. And she then slept until 9am. Perhaps this will be easier than we first thought.

Night two

Jessica did seem a bit livelier today, as she had more sleep last night than she’s ever had, but Glen and I are still exhausted. I feel sick with the tiredness and find it hard to function. I’m not convinced this is going to work, but we might as well try it again for one night.

Glen went off to work and I got on with some shopping and went for a walk. As usual, Jessica slept for an hour in the morning and then for two hours in the afternoon.

At bedtime we went through our routine and put her into her cot. She cried straightaway so we went in after 10 minutes, then 15 and 20. But just before the 20 minutes were up Jessica fell asleep. It was much easier than the first night. Glen and I felt more relaxed and in control, which means it was easier to bear the screaming. We spent the rest of the evening waiting for her to wake up. We couldn’t relax so we went to bed early.

At 2.45am, Jessica was awake again and we prepared ourselves to be up for an hour. We decided to leave her for 10 minutes this time and, once again, I was itching to go in there before the time was up. But before the 10 minutes were up, the crying stopped and we realised she’d fallen asleep.

After 10 months of hell we were trying not to get our hopes up, but it was looking good. Then Jessica amazed us by sleeping through until 7am. Success on the second night! We woke up totally stunned and hugged each other with delight.

Night three

Over dinner Glen and I discussed how it’s going, and we’re both amazed to say that it seems to be working. I’m so happy that Jessica seems to be thriving on more sleep.

We started her routine at 8pm, and after cuddles, a story and cleaning her teeth Glen took her up to bed. She was better tonight and didn’t start crying until Glen was halfway down the stairs. We agreed to leave her for 10 minutes again and then I went in to calm her down. I kissed her cheek, patted her back and left the room. She cried immediately. I thought to myself that we’ve just been lucky for the past two nights and tonight will be the night from hell (and we’ve had plenty of them).

But she surprised us because after just two minutes she fell asleep. We went to bed an hour later and the next thing we knew it was 7am.

Glen and I are ecstatic. It’s the first full night’s sleep we’ve had since Jessica was born. We both tiptoed into Jessica’s room to catch her stirring. She sat up in her cot, smiled, then lifted her arms up for a cuddle. Our little girl has finally had a proper nights’ sleep. And I noticed that she was up the other end of the cot from where we laid her, so she must have woken up in the night, and then gone back to sleep all by herself.

The verdict

Have we finally cracked it? Only time will tell, but we’re delighted it’s actually worked so far and Jessica seems so much happier during the day. Glen and I are getting on better now we don’t have this big issue hanging over our heads.

I would recommend this to any desperate mums because once you get through the first night it gets easier. We found that being able to go to Jessica at certain times during the night really helped. Leaving your baby to cry herself to sleep just seems so cruel to me.

Our family life has been transformed and, fingers crossed, I’m confident we’ll have peaceful nights from now on.