No more bedtime tears

Are you a tired mum craving a decent night’s sleep? Then it’s time to establish a bedtime routine. We help you find the right sleep plan for you to send your baby into the land of Nod all night long...

‘About 80 per cent of sleep problems are caused by babies being unable to fall asleep on their own,’ says Jackie Walsh. As adults, we wake several times a night, but can put ourselves back to sleep and rarely remember waking. When your baby wakes at night and finds that you’re not there, he may feel insecure and need to be soothed back to sleep.

You need to teach him to put himself back to sleep. A good bedtime routine early on helps him do this – if he can put himself to sleep in the first place, he’ll be able to resettle on his own later on.

Night-time nibbles

At first, your newborn will wake frequently during the night for feeds. Don’t rush the feed just because it’s 2am and you’re tired; your baby will only pick up on your stress and become upset. Stay calm, keep the lights dim and try to enjoy these precious moments together. They won’t last forever. And take time to wind your baby, too. He definitely won’t settle with an upset tummy and could end up vomiting.

Once your little one’s established on solid food, at about four to six months, he may begin to wake later and later for his night feed until he stops needing it altogether. Some babies don’t wake for a night feed from as early as six weeks; for others it takes much longer. Remember, all babies are different.

‘A lot depends on your baby’s food intake during the day,’ says Jackie. Even if he’s on solids, your baby still needs about 568ml (one pint) of milk a day. If you’re trying to wean your baby off night feeds, Jackie suggests looking at ways to increase his daytime eating – perhaps offer extra milk at meal times or add another solid feed. But never add food such as rusks to your baby’s milk to bulk it out.

There’s no set time to stop feeding your baby at night, but if you notice he isn’t taking much milk at his late-night feed, try stopping it and see what happens. Often your baby isn’t hungry, he just wants comfort and has fallen into a habit. If you stick to your guns about not giving him a feed, eventually he’ll cut it out completely.

The benefits of a routine

For your baby

• A routine is consistent and predictable, enabling your baby to know what to expect.

• A baby with a structured bedtime will be happier left with a carer, who can slot into an established routine.

For you

• Many mums find the chaos of life with a baby difficult. A routine gives a sense of control.

• Regular activities enable you to plan your evenings.

Sleep associations

‘The best way to help your baby understand that night is a time for sleep is to make it different from the day,’ says Jackie. ‘Darkness and quiet encourage sleep and help your baby to understand that it’s a different part of the day, and is time to settle for bed.’ Keep everything calm and quiet, and try to:

• keep the lights low

• minimise chat and eye contact – try not to stimulate your baby

• only change nappies when necessary

• keep feeds short.

Set a time for bed that suits you and work out a simple routine – for example, bath, pyjamas, feed, cot. If you do this every night your baby will soon understand that the routine signals time for sleep.

Sleep safety

Do

• Lie your baby on his back in the cot or Moses basket, with his feet at the bottom so he can’t wriggle down under the covers.

• Keep the room temperature around 61-68°F (16-20°C) – overheating is a risk factor in sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS, or cot death).

• Tuck in covers securely at shoulder level so they can’t slip over your baby’s head.

Don’t

• Use pillows, duvets, quilts, sheep skins, baby nests or bedding.

• Put your baby to sleep on an electric blanket or with a hot water bottle, next to a radiator, fire or in direct sunlight.

• Allow smoking in the same room as your baby.

• Sleep with your baby if he is under eight weeks old, if you or your partner smoke, have recently drunk alcohol, taken medication or drugs or feel especially tired.

When to start

‘Babies thrive on routine, as it helps them feel secure and able to rely on the people around them,’ says Desiree. But like nothing else, routines divide new mums. There are a few bedtime routines to choose from, ranging from gentle to strict – so what will suit you and your little one, and how do you do it?

Whether you’re breastfeeding or bottlefeeding, most experts recommend feeding on demand for the first six weeks, so it’s hard to start a firm routine before that stage. ‘But provided your newborn is a thriving, healthy baby who’s feeding well, there’s no reason why a schedule can’t be aspired to from the outset,’ says Desiree. It’s harder to teach a one-year-old to go to sleep on his own than it is a newborn, so start early.

Most experts believe that three months is the right age to get your little one into a routine. Marianne Cox, 31, a nursery nurse and mum to Rachael, six months, agrees. ‘I wanted to be flexible with Rachael when I brought her home from hospital, and my plan was to work around her needs. I fed on demand and I put her in her cot when she seemed sleepy,’ she says. ‘I was tired, but you get used to the sleepless nights. Rachael has only just started sleeping through and I’m relieved, but I wouldn’t have wanted to have established a strict routine straightaway.’

However, some experts and mums disagree. Those like Gina Ford, a maternity nurse who wrote The New Contented Little Baby Book (Vermilion, £9.99), believes that sleep routines should start immediately after the birth. And many mums agree. Take Claire Archer, 28, from Weston-Super-Mare, a full-time mum to Kirsty, 11 months. ‘I decided to establish a routine for Kirsty right from the start. I put her in her cot for her daytime naps and she had a strict bath, bottle, bed routine at night.’

So which routine is right for you? Here are three of the most popular to choose from, to ensure that eight hours’ sleep a night is no longer just a dream.

The strict routine

The New Contented Little Baby Book by Gina Ford (Vermilion, £9.99)
Credentials: Gina Ford is a maternity nurse.

Claim: ‘I offer real and practical advice on how to establish a good feeding and sleeping pattern from day one, thus avoiding months of sleepless nights, colic, feeding difficulties and many of the other problems that the experts convince us are a normal part of parenting.’

Best for

• Organised mums who like strict routines and early starts, and first-time mums who feel more secure being given an exact timetable to follow, hour by hour.

• Newborn babies who are breast- or bottlefed, although the routine goes up to one year, so older babies can be switched on to it.

What’s involved

Gina instructs mums to teach their babies from day one the difference between night and day, naps and long sleeps, and exactly how to structure feeds. Her philosophy is that everything you do affects your baby and his sleep pattern.

She believes your baby should be asleep by 7pm, tightly tucked into his cot. She recommends putting your baby in his own room immediately, with blackout curtains, and that he should be swaddled and left to settle himself to sleep with the door shut.

Gina is confident that all babies will sleep through the night within weeks if put on her routine.

The downside

Critics say it’s hard to stick to the rigid daily routines and many mums dislike being told what to do every moment of their day.

Gina’s plan also goes against current advice by health experts and the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID) on keeping your baby in his cot in your bedroom for the first six months to reduce the risk of cot death.

Watch out

With Gina Ford, it’s a love/hate thing. Some first-time mums live by her routine and with one child they can make it work, but it’s harder to follow when you have subsequent children. Be wary of restricting your life; too strict a routine can ruin your enjoyment of your baby.

‘It’s a life-saver’

‘I’m proud to say I have a Gina Ford baby. A friend gave me a copy of Gina’s book when I left hospital. It was easy to follow and Jack did well on the routines. He went to bed at 7pm his first day and slept through from six weeks. I was the only one who didn’t look tired at my baby clinic. I’m trying for another baby and will put him straight on Gina’s routine, too. It’s a life-saver.’

Sheila Townsend, 27, mum to Jack, five months

‘It was too rigid for me’

‘I tried to follow Gina’s advice, but my baby screamed when I put her in her cot at set times. I couldn’t stick to the routines, they were just too rigid. I needed some flexibility to see friends, family or just watch my favourite TV programme.’

Sarah Saunders, 29, mum to Molly, 13 months

The natural way

Baby Wisdom by Deborah Jackson (Hodder Mobius, £14.99)
Credentials: Deborah Jackson is a best-selling author and mum of three.

Claim: That wisdom passed down through the centuries and from other cultures can help us deal with our babies’ sleep patterns. In a nutshell, she believes it’s not the baby’s fault he can’t sleep through the night – it’s ours for expecting him to.

‘Traditional cultures know the value of light, healthy sleep for a child and would be concerned about any baby who was so passive that he slept for eight hours without rooting for the breast or the comfort of human touch,’ she says.

Best for

• Laid-back mums who believe in responding to their babies’ natural demands.

• Babies who are breastfed or who hate sleeping on their own.

What’s involved

Your baby sleeps in your bed. As your newborn in unable to regulate his own body temperature, Deborah recommends bodily contact with you to keep him warm. Sharing your bed also helps bonding with your baby, as you learn to respond to his needs even while half-asleep.

Breastfed babies can feed at night without unduly disturbing you and cry less, too. Your baby will also fall asleep more quickly when you’re lying next to him. A major benefit is that your baby inhales your exhaled breath, which helps regulate his breathing.

The downside

Your baby may never learn to fall asleep on his own if he gets too used to being with you. Some experts have also expressed fears that you could smother your baby, while the FSID says you shouldn’t sleep with your baby if he’s less than eight weeks old.

Watch out

Never sleep with your baby if you smoke, are ill, tired or have been drinking, taking drugs or any prescription medicine that could cause drowsiness. Use a firm mattress and keep pillows and bedding away from your baby. Never fall asleep with your baby on a sofa.

‘I couldn’t bear to be separated from my baby’

‘Our son has always slept between us. I couldn’t bear being separated from him after he’d been inside me for nine months. It would have been like missing a limb. We always slept well, even though we had to ditch our duvets and pillows for a while. I think it’s natural to want to snuggle up to your child.’

Helen Gray, 35, mum to Daniel, 15 months

‘I was terrified I’d roll over and kill him’

‘Jamie wouldn’t sleep for more than an hour, and only then if I held him. After a few weeks I was exhausted and becoming desperate. A friend recommended Deborah’s book and I decided to put Jamie in our bed. He fell asleep and I thought I’d feel relieved, but instead I was terrified in case I rolled over and smothered him. I gave up after a week because I was even more tired than before.’

Kerry Shaw, 26, mum to Jamie, four months

The flexible approach

Kiss and retreat by Jackie Walsh
Credentials: Jackie is a M&B expert, health visitor and mum of two.

Claim: All babies are different and what works for one won’t necessarily work for another – you have to discover what’s right for yours. ‘But you can teach your baby to sleep on his own, even if he cries. It’s about teaching your baby a vital new skill,’ says Jackie.

Best for

• Mums who want the best for their babies and want to teach them to sleep through the night in a gentle way.

• Babies from six months.

What’s involved

The key is having a routine and putting your baby to bed while he’s awake. On the evening you start, lay your baby awake in his cot after his bedtime routine. Say goodnight, give him a kiss and leave the room. When he cries, don’t rush back in. Wait for a fixed amount of time, then go in, settle him (but don’t pick him up) and leave. Each time he cries, increase the time you wait before returning. ‘Start with a time limit that suits you,’ says Jackie. ‘If you can only bear 30 seconds, that’s fine.’

Don’t pick up or feed your baby when you go to him – there shouldn’t be a ‘prize’ for not going to sleep. Repeat the routine you used when you first put him in his cot. For example, tuck him in, say goodnight, kiss him and leave.

Eventually, your baby will fall asleep. But if he wakes in the night, repeat the same routine. ‘Within days it should be sorted,’ says Jackie. ‘I’ve never known it fail – but you have to stick to it.’

The downsides

‘Controlled crying is hard work,’ says Jackie. ‘You must be committed. If you’re not ready, wait.’

‘We’ll have peaceful nights from now on’

‘Jessica had only slept through the night twice by the time she was nine months old, and we were exhausted. We tried the kiss-and-retreat technique and it worked. The first night was really hard, but it got easier. We found that being able to go to Jessica through the night really helped – leaving your baby to cry herself to sleep just seems cruel to me. I’m confident we’ll have peaceful nights from now on.’

Caroline, 25, mum to Jessica, 10 months

‘I sat on the stairs listening to her screams’

‘The night we started the kiss-and-retreat technique, I fed Chloe and put her in her cot awake. Then I followed a set routine – dimming the lights, giving her a kiss, before leaving the room. It was horrible. I sat on the stairs listening to her screams. I just couldn’t do it – I had to go back in. I think you need nerves of steel to follow this plan.’

‘There’s no point becoming stressed trying to adapt to a dictatorial routine,’ Jackie warns. ‘Whichever routine you decide on – strict or relaxed – it’s fine as long as it makes you happy’. And don’t beat yourself up trying to get your baby to conform to ‘normal’ sleeping patterns. Enjoy your time with your baby on your mutual terms.