Labour guide for Dads

Our 20 point guide to labour for Dads to be

1. These days, it’s common for dads to be at the birth, but if you genuinely feel you can’t cope you should be honest (watching Champions League football isn’t a valid excuse, trust me).

‘It’s obvious when a dad doesn’t want to be there, and mums-to-be often end up worrying about their partner, rather than their labour,’ explains midwife Helen O’Dell. ‘It’s better to give your partner the option to find someone who’ll be a good supporter.’

Why not consider hiring a doula – a woman who offers specialist birth support? You’ll benefit from knowing someone better equipped than you will be there for your partner. ‘Just having a doula there as well can give dads the confidence to do their bit of the job better,’ says Hilary Lewin, chair of Doula UK.

2. You will feel helpless. Your partner will be going through the most painful experience of her life and you will, effectively, be reduced to the role of a mere observer.

Watching someone suffer like this can be worse than being an England football fan! ‘Men tend to want to fix things, to make the pain stop,’ says Hilary Lewin. ‘Leave the midwife to deal with practical matters – dads should focus on giving the emotional support that only he can provide.’

3. Don’t check-in too soon. Not only are hospitals dull, hot, stuffy and uncomfortable, but early arrival can often slow down your lady’s labour. Think about ways of distracting her at home during early labour and keeping her comfy – run her a bath or go for a walk.

And don’t panic, it’s highly unlikely you’ll end up delivering your pride and joy on the kitchen floor. Contrary to popular belief, babies like to take their time.

4. Just like with comedy, the art of being a good dad in labour is about timing. Contractions, that is. Hilary Lewin recommends that dads ‘familiarise themselves with the signs of the various stages of labour.

If the period between contractions decreases steadily, it’s a sign that labour is progressing.’ You may be bursting to get to the labour ward, but wait till they are around three to four minutes apart before you head to the hospital.

5. Do your homework before you set foot in the delivery suite. Go to the antenatal classes, learn about pain relief and so on, but make sure you also know the less glamorous stuff, like where the hospital car park is and how much it costs!

6. You may well see things in the delivery room that you’d rather not. There are very few people who happily poo in front of each another, but, we have to tell you – this is something that you may well witness. See it as a bonding experience…

7. Take on the role of supplies manager. Labour can be a long, drawn-out business but you’ll need to stay vibrant and alert. Make sure to pack a cool bag with plenty of food and drink, not just for mum, but for you, too. She won’t appreciate you popping off to the canteen for a fry-up mid-push!

8. Be wary of idle banter with the midwife/nurses. Clive, dad to William, two, recommends dads ‘avoid flirting with the midwife or, worse still, ignoring your wife. Believe me, it will never be forgotten.’

9. Know your way round the hospital bag. It’s not enough simply to know where it is, sooner or later you will be asked to pass a Babygro/nappy/wipe/maternity pad and you’d better know: a) what it looks like, and b) where it is, exactly, as you’ll be expected to produce it in double-quick time.

10. Time can drag in the delivery room. To help break the monotony, why not indulge that international DJ fantasy and burn some compilation CDs in the days leading up to the due date. Steer clear of Guns ‘n’ Roses though, and don’t forget to throw in the odd soothing ballad.

11. Check that the camera works. And have some spare batteries to hand. It may be wise to discuss beforehand whether or not your partner wants to be videotaped/photographed, and at what stages, or if she’d prefer you waited till she’s had a chance to stop sweating and apply some make-up.

12. Be sure you know and understand the birth plan so that you can help your partner get the birth she wants. She’ll have other things on her mind and may well be a bit spaced out (especially if she’s been on the gas & air!)

But bear in mind that, as with so many things, your other half may change her mind halfway through her labour. Good communication, and patience, is the key here.

13. Think logistics and consider what you’re going to have to carry around once you’re at hospital. Hilary Lewin suggests you take in the only the absolute essentials when you arrive and leave the ‘overnight’ bag in the car until after the birth.

‘You may well be shuffled between several different rooms during labour. Leave the big bag in the car, otherwise you’ll find yourself lugging heavy cases around when you should be supporting your partner.’

14. If you’re squeamish, relax, it’s not as bad as your mates have made out and you don’t have to go south of you partner’s belly button. ‘There isn’t usually much blood, and what blood there is is generally dealt with very discreetly by the midwife,’ says Helen O’Dell.

15. When your baby is shown to you he/she will not look like a cuddly pink angelic bundle. Babies have to squeeze through a tight space to arrive in this world and that often does funny things to the shape of their heads. Not to mention the vernix… (that’s the white stuff!)

16. You will be asked if you want to cut the cord. Remain calm. This is not a surgical procedure, just a symbolic, but necessary, severing of the tie between mother and baby. It’s actually a massive honour and you will never be able to go back and change you mind, so make sure you know what you want to do (although many men do change their minds when the moment arrives).

‘A firm cut is needed and the midwife will guide you through it. Rest assured your baby will feel no pain, nor will mum,’ says Helen O’Dell.

17. Be ready to take charge of your new baby while your partner showers or is examined. This is an excellent opportunity to bond with your new arrival and it’s best to get your kit off and do this topless for maximum skin-to-skin contact.

18. You’ll almost certainly get to break the good news of your new arrival. This is one of the most privileged of tasks, so don’t mess it up. There is a pecking order – folks (especially new Grannies) can be very sensitive to how low down they are on your list of people to be informed.

So, discuss the list with your wife and keep the phone numbers safe, and try and make the calls before you start wetting the baby’s head. Oh, and remember to arm yourself with ALL the facts – Boy or girl, weight, name, how mum and baby are etc.

19. Driving mum and baby home for the first time can be pretty nerve-wracking, so try to keep it as calm as possible. Fit the car seat before you need it. You may feel daft, but practise fitting it with a teddy instead of your baby.

20. Finally, don’t forget that this is day is not about you. As Neil, dad of Leo, two, points out, ‘For one day only (or however long it takes), whatever your partner wants, she gets, and pronto. No questions. No complaints. ’

Daddy not-so-cool

Terrified about the idea of your partner going into labour? You can cope, says social psychologist Sandra Wheatley. ‘It is perfectly normal to be anxious about what you are facing; you’ve never been through it before and it’s only natural to feel scared. Remember, you can only do your best.

Just like being a parent, you’re learning on the job, so no one can expect you to be perfect. ‘Do avoid making promises, such as you'll never leave your partner’s side. If her labour goes on for days, you’ll have to leave at some point, so be realistic about what you can achieve.

Talk to your wife about any fears you may have, so nothing will come as a shock. It’s no bad thing to strive to be perfect, but it’s impossible, so just do your best.
‘If you have a genuine fear that won't be able to cope (for example with the blood/pain/needles) then prepare for this. Arrange for a stand-in – someone who's been through birth and is close to both of you – to either provide you with support or temporarily step in to take your place.’

Dr Sandra Wheatley BSc PhD Cpsychol is a social psychologist and can be contacted through potent.uk.com 

When it comes to preparing for birth, think outside the box

1. ‘Make sure you know which of the identical delivery suites your wife is in. I had to pop out and when I came back I had to loiter around outside until I recognised Vicky’s screams as all the rooms looked the same!’ Mark, dad to Rosie, two, and Florrie, three months

2. Bring a plant sprayer. Seriously! It can get pretty hot in hospitals and even hotter when you’re giving birth. So what better for your partner than to have you spray her occasionally with a cooling mist of cold water? A mist, mind, not a searing jet of ice-cold water to the face…

3. ‘I wish I’d prepared a pamphlet of supportive phrases – I was embarrassed by the number of times I had to repeat the words, ‘You’re doing really well!’’ Adam, dad to Sonny, four, and Pearl, one

4. If you don’t want to leave hospital with bite marks on your shoulder, you may consider having something for your lady to bite on to hand – that new teddy would do nicely!

5. ‘Store up a supply of new jokes. It was great for keeping Claudia’s – and my – mind off what she was going through.’ Sam, dad to Isabella, four, and Danny, three

6. A bendy straw – or two – means your wife can keep sipping that all-important drink, no matter what positions she finds herself delivering in.