What is your partner's birth plan?

While you’ll be continually reminded of the importance of having a birth plan, your partner will probably approach the big day with only a sketchy idea of how he’d like things to go. Men can often be so focused on their partner’s welfare during the birth, he’d forget that he’ll be there, too.
Of course your partner will have a vague idea of his basic role on labour day – to give you emotional support and make sure the midwives and doctors know what you want. But beyond that he probably hasn’t thought about how he’s going to act or how he’ll cope with seeing the woman he loves in pain. It can come as a shock.
’Men are do-ers,’ explains Natalie Meddings, an active birth teacher and doula (doula.org.uk). ‘They love to have tasks. The old cliché about needing lots of hot water and towels was really a cover to give the fathers something to do.’

His worries

In my case ‘something to do’ took the form of cleaning. Once my partner Bethan was settled, I spent the first hour scrubbing every nook and cranny of the birthing suite with antibacterial wipes. The room wasn’t dirty and the chance of her giving birth on top of the door frame was remote, but it calmed me down and made me feel useful. After that I busied myself with the TENS machine – surely invented to give men something to fiddle with during labour.

Even if your partner is a bag of nerves at the birth, it’s vital for him to remain calm to avoid his anxiety being transmitted to his partner. ‘Women are so used to worrying about their partner’s wellbeing, they get stressed about whether he’s OK,’ says Natalie. ‘It’s important for the man to seem confident but to sink into the background a little. Men shouldn’t be afraid to be still and say nothing – they often feel they should stride about, solving problems. Doing nothing can actually help labour go well.’
But your partner may struggle to get the guidance he needs, claims David Bartlett of the Fatherhood Institute (dad.info). ‘Fathers need information about their role during and after the birth,’ he says. ’Their idea is to be dependable and confident, which stops them asking vital questions. Some maternity wards offer a walk-through of the hospital in late pregnancy, which can be beneficial.’

One major worry for men is what to say to encourage you in labour. Most men end up reciting: ‘That’s it – you’re doing so well.’ After the twentieth contraction this can sound hollow, or even irritating. Another mistake is thinking you need distraction to take your mind off the pain when in fact you’re better off working through it.
The unsuccessful distraction technique strikes a chord with Paul, 31. ‘Our son Jacob was born at St Thomas’ Hospital right on the Thames,’ he recalls. ‘There was a fireworks display over the river so I said to my wife,  “Darling, look at the fireworks – what an amazing way to welcome our son into the world.”  Her response was:  “I don’t care about the bloody fireworks!”’

Be prepared

The typical image of the modern dad at his baby’s birth shows him standing facing his partner. Experts in fact recommend that the father stand behind or to the side to prevent you feeling inhibited.

Attend antenatal classes together so you both know the benefits and potential downsides to the procedures and pain-relief options on offer. This means he’ll also know what your preferences are, so he can prevent you being pressurised into anything.

Mark, 40, felt sidelined once his wife had been wheeled into theatre for an emergency c-section. ‘After Lily was born, they asked me to bring her to another room,’ he says. Karen said later she felt she’d been abandoned. It was 10 minutes before she held our baby. I felt like I’d let her down.’

Looking back, if I were to draw up a birth plan now, top of my list would be: Don’t be scared of the moments when nothing is required. Sometimes less is more. The key to a happy labour for mother and father is preparation. Men should read, learn and talk as much as possible. But, as much as he’s ready for the big day, there’s one thing he can never prepare himself for: the moment he holds his baby for the first time.

The things every man needs to know about his role at the birth


Make sure he cuts out and keeps this guide so he’s prepared for the big day

- Don’t expect to get coherent answers or rational decisions from your partner on the day. It is vital to sit down and work everything out beforehand, although of course it’s important to be flexible.

- Decide in advance when, where and how much your partner wants to be photographed or filmed during the birth. Having a camera thrust in her face might be the last thing she needs. 

- It’s important to try to create a home-from-home atmosphere. Make sure the lights are dimmed and place cushions, duvets or blankets around the room to make your partner feel as relaxed and cosy as possible.

- At all times make sure she’s provided with snacks, water, juice, lip balm, ice cubes to suck… A handkerchief soaked with lavender essential oil can also be very calming. Dab her face with a cool flannel. Observe and anticipate her needs – offer her a glass of water rather than wait for her to ask you for one.  l Remain calm at all times. Never shout at the medical staff in front of your partner. Your primary role as birth partner is to keep her as relaxed as possible, to keep her informed about what is going on around her and represent her needs with the medical staff.  l If you’re feeling anxious that’s perfectly understandable, but ease your anxiety by talking to someone else, not your partner. Don’t be scared to admit beforehand that you’re nervous and you need support. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for someone else, such as a relative or a doula, to be present as well.l Look after yourself as well as your partner. Make sure you eat, drink and rest. Otherwise, 15 hours later you’ll be crotchety and dehydrated – and no use at all to your partner.