Things men shouldn't say

So, the big day has arrived. You’re about to become a Dad. You remembered the 793 things that everyone said you should pack. Your partner’s contractions are developing nicely. You’re nearly there, your job done, it’s plain sailing for you from here.

Isn’t it?  Oh no, there are many, many ways you can still mess up.
Here’s the modern dad’s guide to ‘Things you better not even think about saying on the big day…’

Things not to say to your partner:

‘No, absolutely not, I won’t pull over and ask that man with the dog. I know exactly where we are. We’ll just drive round the block a couple more times till we find the hospital….’

‘Look, I know the midwife said not to push, but if we really get a move on I can be home in time for Match of the Day.’

‘Oh, sweetie, I know it hurts – and I heard you the last fifty times you said it…’

‘Can’t you keep it down a bit, love, I’m trying to get 40 winks. It’s been a really long day. Make sure you wake me up if something more important happens though.’

‘I’m sure it’s a little painful honey, but you want to try being a bloke and getting a knock in the down-belows – then you’d really know about pain…’

‘No, no, stop, don’t grab, I’ll give you the gas and air back in a minute, you’ve had loads – it’s my turn now. Don’t be selfish.’

‘You don’t mind if I take this call, do you? It’s Sally. Sally, you remember, she’s the really slim blond from work, used to be a swimwear model…’

‘Hey sweetie, shush a minute - do your impression of a Teletubby for everyone…’

‘Listen, I’ve been watching you for a while, and I really didn’t want to have to say anything – but I can see a few ways you could be doing this a little better…’

‘Oh, you are just so cute when you’re upset…’

‘I’m just asking, so don’t bite my head off or anything – but do you have anything planned for my dinner tonight? Or shall I dial out for pizza…?’

‘You want another snack bar?! I mean, do you think you should, you’re going to have to shift an almighty amount of weight as it is…?’

Things not to say to your in-laws:

‘You know ‘Mum’, as I was watching your grandchild’s head crowning, I glanced up at Sally and I couldn’t help but think how much you and your daughter look alike’.

‘Thanks for the offer of advice – I suppose there is one question I have –  how long did you two wait before having sex after Sally was born…?’

‘Hey, just think, before today, you two were the only ones in the family with living proof that you’d actually ‘done it!’.

‘When she was first handed to me, all mucky and wrinkly and puffy and bald and, frankly, a little weird looking, I couldn’t see any of me in her at all. No, but the resemblance to her mother’s family is unmistakable…’

Things not to the midwife:

‘I was just wondering – I don’t suppose those cheeky little nurses uniforms are available to buy, are they?’

“A midwife is still like a proper nurse, right? I was wondering if you could take a look at this weird rash I’ve developed…’

‘Come on, out of the way, I need to zoom in for a real close-up….’

‘Don’t mind if I smoke, do you…?’

‘Now, I’m not trying to tell you your job, but are you sure there isn’t another one in there? I mean – just look at the size of her!’

Things not to say upon seeing your baby for the first time

‘Urgh, gross!’