To be or not to be: Dads at the birth

Most people assume dads should be at the birth of their children. But is having your partner in the room when you deliver a help or a hindrance?

 
'Childbirth? It's like being stuck in a room with a thousand skinned rabbits.' So says celeb chef Gordon Ramsay, when asked why he didn't attend the birth of any of his four children.

Since it's pretty much taken for granted that every father should be at the birth, you may think Ramsay's a delivery-room dinosaur. But his I'll-stay-outside approach is being adopted by increasing numbers of expectant fathers. A whole new generation of men, it seems, are rediscovering the pleasures of pacing hospital corridors while their partner labours behind closed doors. And many women - and midwives - are admitting they prefer it that way.

Pub vs participating
It's not long ago that corridor-pacing was the only option for dads-to-be. Giving birth was women's business and all a man had to concern himself with was which pub would be the best venue for wetting the baby's head.

It was only in the1960s, when births moved from homes to hospitals and labouring women were attended by medical staff instead of members of their own family, that dads started to get more involved.

Now, nine out of 10 fathers are present at the birth (no handcuffs required) and antenatal classes emphasise the expectation for fathers to be an 'active participant' in labour and delivery.

Many men take to the task with gusto, massaging backs, mopping brows and timing contractions with military precision. But for a growing number of men, it's just not an option. Being anywhere near their partner in labour fills them with horror. And they're not afraid to admit it.

Scared and squeamish
'I won't be at this birth,' says Jim Jackson, 28, dad to Sid, two, and expecting a second baby next month. 'I lasted about an hour before I had to leave last time - I found it unbearable to see my wife Sarah in such pain. I thought I'd be a real support, but I was no help - rooted to the spot, willing it all to stop. I'm not usually a wimp, but there's no way I'm experiencing that again.'

For Andy Carroll, 38, expecting his first baby in February, it's less about pain and more about sex. 'I know I sound like a caveman,' he says, 'but I don't want to see a baby's head coming out of my wife's vagina. I think the image would haunt me every time we had sex in the future. Maybe my views are coloured by the experience of a friend who split up with his girlfriend six months after he watched her have their baby. He told me he just couldn't have sex with her anymore.'

It's a view that's echoed by Gordon Ramsay. 'My wife Tana and I have a very active sex life,' he says, 'and we both decided it wasn't good for our sexual relationship for me to be at the birth. I was relieved when she said, "I don't want you there. I wouldn't feel attractive".'

'Get him out of here!'
Some men don't want to be there, but lots of women don't want their partner there, either. Like Tana Ramsay, they know that lying legs open wide on a hospital bed is not a glam look, and there are better ways to preserve one's sexual allure than bellowing through a contraction.

'I've banned my husband from the birth,' says Zoe Gibbins, 26, and 30 weeks pregnant. 'I made up my mind when I read that you sometimes poo yourself just before the baby's born. My friends who've had babies laugh and say you don't care at the time but I couldn't bear Mike seeing - I'd feel so ashamed. He can come in the minute the baby's born and the midwife's cleaned us both up.'

And even if losing your dignity doesn't bother you, there's always the danger of losing your cool. 'Matthew drove me mad during my last labour,' says Katie Phillipson, 30, mum to Ed, 26 months, and 23 weeks pregnant with her second. 'When we got to the hospital, they told us it'd be a while till the baby came, so he settled down in a chair and fell asleep! When the contractions got bad, he marched around, barking orders at the midwife rather than holding my hand. He annoyed me so much, I shouted the most terrible things at him, and he stormed out. This time round, we've agreed it's better if my mum stays with me and he waits outside!'

What to do?
Katie's story is a familiar one to a birth witnessed by M&B midwife Helen O'Dell. 'Couples often fall out during labour,' she says. 'I remember one couple who had an absolutely blazing row in front of me. She'd told him beforehand that, under no circumstances, was she to have an epidural. Then in mid-labour she asked for one and he said she couldn't! He was yelling, "This is what you told me to say!" and she was yelling, "But I've changed my mind, stupid!" It was awful - and not exactly conducive to a peaceful birth!'

Maybe dads may not actually be the best birth partners after all. Active-birth expert Michel Odent recently declared the presence of the father can hinder the progression of labour - he cites examples of labours going slowly until the dad leaves the room and then whoosh, the baby is born.

Researchers at the University of Toronto are suggesting labouring women have a happier experience of childbirth and are less likely to need powerful pain relief or a caesarean if they are supported by a trained or experienced woman rather than an inevitably nervous and stressed-out father. Whether this woman is your mum, a friend who's already had children of her own or a doula (a professional female birth partner; for details, call British Doulas on 0870 7575353), it seems her presence can have a positive and calming effect on the whole birth process.

So what's a wobbly dad-to-be to do? 'Don't be pressured by convention,' says Helen. 'If you want to be there, that's great, but if you don't want to - or your partner doesn't want you to - there's no need to feel bad. I have more respect for a man who doesn't want to be there and is up front about it than one who comes in and makes it obvious he wishes he hadn't. What matters most, after all, is meeting the needs of the mum-to-be - and no man can do that if he's just passed out on the delivery-room floor.'

I need you!
Let's not forget that most of you (90%) want your partner at your side during labour and many men wouldn't miss it for the world, either.  He's also likely to be invaluable support when you need it most.

Here's Helen O'Dell's top three delivery-room tips for dads-to-be...
 
* Go with the flow. Labour takes women to strange places. Your talkative wife may want to stand quietly in a corner. Your back-massage-craving partner may flinch at the touch of your hands. Your natural-birth devotee may scream for an epidural. Accept the unexpected - and go with it.
 
* Stay passive. This is not the time to take centre stage. Your only concern should be to keep your partner calm and reassured. 
 
* Keep up the encouragement. Simple phrases work best, such as 'You're doing really well.' Find words that work and keep repeating them.