The 7 Stages of Siblings

Expecting again? Scared your tot will strangle the new baby at birth? We show you how to guide your first-born through the key stages of being an older sibling …

So you’ve just found out you’re expecting – again. As well as feeling on top of the world, you may also feel a bit nervy about introducing the idea of your impending arrival to your first-born. Well, think of it from their point of view. Imagine your bloke suddenly announced he’s met another woman and she was going to come and live with you but hey, you’d all be great friends. Well, would you like it?

Going from only child to older child takes a whole load of adjusting – in several quite distinct stages. And, at each stage, it pays to know what your first-born could be feeling – and how to deal with it. So here’s the main seven stages they’ll go though and how to handle them …

The announcement stage

So, you’re pregnant again. Result! Now it’s time you shared the joyous news with your first-born.

Danger zone: You may be over the moon but don’t expect your child to be. ‘It’s normal for your child to feel confused, anxious or resentful,’ says Louise Emanuel, a consultant child psychotherapist at London’s Tavistock Clinic. ‘And you need to allow him to voice his feelings.’

Expert tip: ‘Listen to his questions or worries,’ says Louise, ‘and give him honest, loving reassurance.’ [NB: Have asked for a practical tip on introducing the concept of a baby to a very young tot – ie touching mummy’s belly, playing with a dolly etc. So will need to add a couple more sentences here.]

One book many mums swear by on this topic is Waiting for Baby (All in A Day) by Frank Endersby, edited by Annie Kubler, (published by Child’s Play, )* 

Mum’s tip: ‘Read books about new babies. Try to find one that’s fun but real - with pictures of the baby crying or Mum looking tired.’
Laura Freeman, 29, from south London, mum to Molly, 3, and Julian, 1.

The introduction stage

The baby’s born. And any second now, your first-born’s going to put his head round the hospital-room door and have his first big-brother moment.

Danger zone: What’s pretty much guaranteed to fan the first flames of sibling jealousy? Having your new baby in your arms when your first ‘baby’ walks in. Right now, when so much is changing in his life, your first-born needs your full attention and a lovely big hug – just as he’s always had before.

Expert tip: ‘Let your first-born “discover” the baby,’ says Louise. ‘Keep your attention firmly on him until he asks where the baby is or the baby squeaks and you can say, “What was that? Shall we see?”’

Mum’s tip: ‘Buy a present for your baby to ‘give’ your first-born. It’s a sure way to make little siblings seem nice.’
Viriane Yanaghas, 30, from Buckinghamshire, mum to Marie, 3, and Kim, 8 weeks

The jealous stage

Off you start on newly expanded family life and, before you can say ‘green-eyed monster’, your first-born’s letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that he doesn’t like sharing you with someone small, strange and hungry.

Danger zone: There’s nothing like trying to rein in a rampagingly jealous first-born while feeding a squalling second-born to make you feel like the most useless parent in the world. ‘But you can’t stop your child feeling jealous,’ says Louise. ‘And, actually, learning to manage difficult feelings like this – with your help – is a really important life lesson.’

Expert tip: ‘When the baby’s sleeping, have a little special time just for you and your first-born,’ says Louise. ‘Try to do it every day.’

Mum’s tip: ‘Let your standards go! If your toddler watches 40 minutes of telly while you feed the baby in peace, the world’s not going to end.’
Joanne Ebury, 30, from west London, mum to Jason, 4, and Kyle, 1

The regression stage

Now this is really annoying: not content with basic baby jealousy, your older child is going all babyish himself – demanding a bottle/breastfeed for the first time in years, perhaps, or wetting his pants after months of being dry.

Danger zone: Try not to turn this new-sibling-provoked regression into a big issue – that’ll only make it last longer. Don’t comment on the wet pants, give him a bottle/breast (or distract him with some ‘special juice’) and (silently seething) wait for the phase to pass.

Expert tip: ‘Your child’s just reminding you he’s still your baby,’ says Louise, ‘even if you do have another one. Show him you haven’t forgotten by giving him extra cuddles.’

Mum’s tip: ‘Point out the upsides of not being a baby, like having toys or eating ice cream! Show him how special being big is.’
Shelley O’Connor, 27, from Liverpool, mum to Calum, 3, and Alfie, 18 weeks

Stage 5: The jiggery-pokery stage

Your first-born is naturally curious about his younger sibling, and natural curiosity leads to touching and patting. Which is all very sweet but (given the rather shaky hand-eye co-ordination of the average under-three) can also be rather dicey for your baby – and your blood pressure.

Danger zone: Heart-stopping as it may be to see first-born hands hover over second-born head, screaming, ‘Don’t touch the baby!’ is not the wisest move. If your older child was feeling loving towards his sibling, he certainly won’t be now. And the last thing you want is a child who realises that the quickest way to get Mum’s attention is to poke the baby in the eye.

Expert tip: ‘If your child really does poke your baby on purpose,’ says Louise, ‘make it very clear that’s not allowed. Get out some soft toys and let him bash them about instead.’

Mum’s tip: ‘Show him a safe place to pat the baby - like on the tummy. And heap on the praise when he does it nicely.’
Lorraine Rodgers, 32, from east London, mum to Jodie, 4, and Peter, 6 months

Stage 6: The grabby-snatchy stage

Baby’s old enough to be interested in toys? Then let the “mine, mine” tussles begin. It’s amazing how that long-discarded baby rattle suddenly becomes the most-longed-for toy in the world once it’s in sibling hands...

Danger zone: Don’t be too hard on your first-born: it’s tough learning to share. And be wary of always taking the younger one’s side: small hands can be snatchy, too.

Expert tip: ‘Don’t throw out toys that aren’t baby-safe,’ says Louise. ‘Store them out of reach, and let your first-born have a “special” play with them while you distract the baby.’

Mum’s tip: ‘To help your first-born learn to share, use a kitchen timer to measure out the turn-taking: “It’s your turn when the bell rings.”’
Jane Mottram, 34, from north London, mum to Finn, 5, Luka, 3, and Abby, 8 weeks

Stage 7: The rubbing-along-nicely stage

You never thought you’d see the day but, shock!, your children are actually playing together quite happily.

Danger zone: Lovely as it is to see such perfect sibling harmony, don’t be tempted to leave them to it for the rest of the morning. ‘Your children still need you there,’ says Louise, ‘maybe getting on with something else but still watching, listening and encouraging their play.’

Expert tip: ‘Don’t expect your first-born to be the “responsible” one,’ says Louise. ‘He may be older but he’s still a small child.’

Mum’s tip: ‘Make sure they know how pleased you are to see them getting on so well. Praise their little socks off!’
Veronique McFadden, 28, from Bristol, mum to Ariane, 3, and Estelle, 2

Of course, that ‘rubbing along nicely’ stage could well take decades to happen! But try to have fun and just go with the flow in the meantime. You never know, you may soon find yourself introducing them both to Baby No.3… ‘

 For more about understanding your child’s emotional development, read the age-by-age Understanding Your Child series from The Tavistock Clinic (£8.99 each; order at jkp.com)