When is the best time to have another baby?

When’s the best time to have another baby? Five M&B readers discuss the ups and downs of sibling rivalry and the joys of family life
 
You’re run ragged with your two-year-old and the mere thought of having another baby leaves you needing a lie-down in a darkened room. But will leaving a big age gap between your children mean they‘ll have nothing in common? We talk to five women, each with very different gaps between their children, and ask: is there really a perfect age gap?

The 11 month gap…

Your baby has finally started sleeping through the night and you’re starting to feel like a human being again. Is it best to go for number two now and get the second round of dirty nappies over with?

Tracey Gordon, 34, is married to John, 33, and they have an eight-month-old baby, Josie. Their second baby is due a few days before Josie’s first birthday.

‘I’d heard it’s better to either have a baby very early or leave a four-year gap as it decreases the chances of sibling jealousy, so John and I decided to try for another baby soon after our first.

I have a twin brother, and we had great fun in our childhood so I wanted my children to be close playmates, too. I know it will be hard work at first though! I do feel more tired this time around, but I just put that down to looking after Josie.’

Our expert says: ‘The bond between Tracey’s children will be closer because they will be going through similar experiences and development stages. ‘This can be positive in that the children will develop their own world and develop more independence from adults as a result,’ says Dr Pat Spungin, founder of raisingkids.co.uk, a parent advice website. ‘It can also be negative because there may be more rivalry and competition.

‘Josie will be very active, which will be tiring for Tracey,’ she says. ‘But looking after the baby will be a mechanical sleeping-feeding process at first, so by getting a routine established she’ll be able to spend more time with Josie’.

Dr Spugin believes that being so close in age, the children will develop more independence from mum and more reliance on each other, making things easier for their mother.

The 18-month gap…

Your tot is becoming more independent, she’s starting to walk and is curious to explore her environment, and this means she needs even more attention, this can be difficult when you’re trying to care for a newborn. But wouldn’t it be great for your children to be close in age?

Pauline Hayes, 38, lives with husband Tom, 40, and children Eddie, four, Connie, three, and Grace, 18 months

‘After Eddie, I left an 18-month gap before Connie, so he would be a more independent, but the gap would be close enough for them to be companions. For the same reason, Connie was 18 months when I had Grace, but third time round I’ve found it a lot harder physically.

I remember feeling so tired at six months pregnant and having to carry Connie as she hadn’t started walking, as well as watching Eddie too! When Grace was born, she was ignored a lot as my time was tied up with my two older, more active children – as a result now she’s a very independent child. I’m glad my three children are all close in age – I didn’t ever want to have to pack the baby stuff away and I wanted to have my family while I’m still young.’ 
 
Our expert says: Dr Spungin believes that this age gap can be beneficial for new babies as they can copy their older sibling, and become self-sufficient more quickly. But she points out that there may be arguments and jealousy issues with your toddler. ‘Between 18 and 36 months, children are most prone to conflict.

This age gap can also be hard on the mother, as she’s juggling the needs of a toddler, and asserting her independence with a baby who is totally dependent on her.’

The two-year age gap…

It’s the peak of the terrible twos – your child’s temper tantrums are a daily occurrence, so caring for a new baby as well is no picnic! But yet this is the typical, and some say perfect, age gap…

Karen Pygall, 33, lives with husband Joe and sons George, three, and Henry, one


‘There are five years between me and my sister and I always felt that we were from different generations while growing up.

I didn’t want a gap that big between my children – George is still young enough to know how to interact with a baby and it’s great to hear them chuckling together. They have their moments when they fight, but they’re great playmates.

George is still going through a tantrum stage and won’t stop until I give him attention, and Henry often wants me at the same time, so it’s hard work, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.’

Our experts say: ‘This may be the ideal age gap – as a mum you’ve got over the exhaustion of the first few years and feel ready to cope with another baby, and your children are close enough to enjoy the same things,’ Dr Spungin says.

‘On the other hand, coping with toddler tantrums and a new baby who still needs equal attention and supervising isn’t easy, and there will be fights as they vie for your attention. George would have been at the peak of the terrible twos stage when his brother was born and would have had a monopoly on his parents’ time for two years.

This can cause a child to regress and start to behave like the baby in an attempt to be the main focus again.

‘If your hands are full with the new baby, try distracting your two-year-old with verbal games to stop the jealousy,’ says Judy Dunn, professor of developmental psychology at King’s College, London. 


The three-year age gap…

Your little Miss Independent can talk, walk and feed herself now, so she needs less of your attention. But if you have another child, is it too late for them to be really close?

Emma Dyson, 27, lives with husband Chris, 43, and sons Jamie, six, and George, three


‘We didn’t want an age gap longer than five years as we thought our children would drift apart, but I couldn’t have had them closer together because I didn’t want to take a break from my child minding job.

Our boys get on well because Jamie is very placid, perhaps because he’s had three years of my attention, and he always gives in to George, who is strong willed. When I had George, Jamie wasn’t so young that he needed constant care, which helped a lot. It’s nice that Jamie is that bit older so he can play with him and help me to look after him as well.’

Our experts say: ‘While this age gap is easier on the mum in terms of the older child helping out, there may be a danger that friendship between the siblings will be less strong,’ says Dr Spungin.

‘Each child is at a different developmental stage, which can mean a world of difference in attitude and interests. Of course your children can still be close, but I think it’s only in adult life that these years become less significant.’

Professor Dunn warns not to overestimate the independence of a three-year-old. ‘He may appear competent next to the new baby, but remember he still needs a lot of nurturing from you,’ she says.

The 10-year age gap…

To some mums this would be a nightmare – you thought nappies and sleepless nights were well and truly a thing of the past. True, you might be more tired this time around and your children will be a generation apart, but your older child will be a great help and won’t have jealousy issues that come with children born closer together…

Isabel Ramsbotham, 44, lives with husband Kevin, 43, son Jamie, 10, and daughter Jazmine 10 months


‘I didn’t want Jamie to be an only child but I also didn’t want to have another baby in the first few years as I wanted him to have one-to-one attention in the years he most needed it. I’m glad I’ve left such a large age gap as Jamie is older and more mature.

He understands that we have to feed and see to Jazmine first, but we make time for him, too. Jazmine idolises Jamie and he makes a real effort to play with her and teach her things. I find everything more draining this time around but Jazmine is keeping me on my toes and helps to keep me young! In the later years I’d like to think Jamie will always be the protective older brother looking out for her.’

Our experts say: ‘Older children are very helpful in terms of looking after their younger siblings,’ says Professor Dunn. ‘Although they won’t be as close as their interests are so different, research shows that a big age gap works well in terms of reducing sibling conflict.’

Dr Spungin points out that leaving such a large gap can be tough on you as a mum and says for the siblings, the gap will mean they have a different relationship from one of brother and sister. ‘They will form more of a parent-child relationship and the older child will care for the younger in much the same way his mother does.’

Stop pregnancy taking its toll

‘After pregnancy your body returns to normal between six to eight weeks,’ says Gail Johnson, midwife at the Royal College of Midwives. ‘During your first pregnancy your abdominal muscles are much tighter and your unborn baby will tend to sit higher on the muscle walls. Your second and subsequent babies will sit lower down, as your abdominal muscles are weaker, meaning your bump will appear lower.

You may experience a period-like pain after the birth of your second or third child, as your uterus contract and retract more strongly while it’s getting back into shape.

You don’t notice the pains so much with your first baby as the action of the uterus tends to be weaker.

But everyone is different and for some women just one pregnancy takes it out of them, while some women who have four children in a short space of time are fine.

What if he’s an only child?

‘According to studies, being an only child really doesn’t make a difference psychologically,’ says Professor Dunn. ‘Siblings can be important in a child’s development but this depends on what their relationship is like.

Children can benefit from the love they have for each other and a shared fantasy life, or it can work the other way, and siblings can be mean, and know how to tease and humiliate each other. You could integrate your child with others at an early age by introducing him to friends’ children.’