Everything you need to know about bonding with your baby

In the movies, it happens so effortlessly: after a none-too-convincing labour, the unruffled mother sets eyes upon her plump, pink-cheeked newborn. Amid swirling music and soft focus camera angles, BAM – it’s love at first sight.

Back in the real world, bonding with your baby isn’t always so straightforward. ‘While some of us do experience an immediate rush of love for our newborns, not all do,’ says health visitor Anne White. ‘It’s very common not to experience that instant devotion some people describe. Many mothers take days, weeks, even months, to form a loving attachment with their baby. Bonding is learning curve.’

To get you and your baby off to a strong start, we’ve put together a comprehensive guide to bonding – from the moment you feel that first kick right through to the first toddler kiss and beyond.

Learning to love

The bond between you and your little one is unique and constantly changing. Here’s how it develops over the first months of his life

Bonding with… your bump

The process of bonding with your baby begins long before birth. From around 20 weeks, he can hear sounds from outside the womb, including your voice, and he will prefer it to all others once he’s born. He can also feel your touch through your abdomen, and once you can feel his movements, bonding becomes a two-way process. Research has even shown a foetus can differentiate between the feel of your hand, your partner’s and a stranger’s.

To strengthen the bond in these early stages, make time to focus on your bump. ‘Babies often move most when the mother is still and relaxed,’ says midwife Linda Hill. ‘You can even have “touch conversations” with him, where he kicks back in response to the pressure of your hand.’

Pregnancy is also the time to lay foundations for bonding after the birth. ‘Antenatal classes will help you prepare for your baby’s arrival, so the early days are less of a shock,’ says Linda.

Bonding with… your newborn

‘Newborns rely on their sense of touch to feel secure, making skin-to-skin contact one of the best things you can do for your baby,’ says specialist neonatal nurse Cherry Bond. ‘It also triggers the release of feel-good endorphins, making her feel really loved.’

For the first few weeks, your baby can only focus on objects up to 25cm away, so get close. Babies prefer looking at faces to anything else so, for now, go easy on the artificial stimulation. ‘Human contact is all she needs,’ says Cherry.

While it can sometimes feel like the crying never stops, it’s actually an essential part of the bonding process. Many parents underestimate the amount of comfort they’re giving a baby during crying spells – even if you don’t think you’re helping. ‘Babies learn by experience,’ says Cherry. ‘Only by crying for you can she learn that you are there for her.’ Eventually, you’ll learn to read her signals – and she won’t need to cry as much – but until then lots of physical contact and gentle words will see you through. If it gets too much, let other people cuddle her while you take a break. It’s good for both of you.

Bonding with… your growing baby

The period from three to 12 months is a time of huge development, and the more interactive your baby becomes, the easier it’ll be to fall in love with him. ‘By 12 weeks or so, he’s started to show definite social smiles and will be cooing and giggling when you tickle him,’ says health visitor Nicola Downie. ‘Now’s the time to really start interacting, with games like peekaboo, making sure you get down to his level and make eye contact.’

Talking to your baby is important, too, and you’ll naturally adopt a high-pitched, sing-song voice, known as motherese. This is essential for bonding, capturing his attention far better than normal speech.

At around eight months, your baby will start to realise that you and he are two separate people. He’ll become more independent, and may not want to be held all the time,’ says Nicola. Don’t feel despondent – this proves your baby is secure enough in his attachment to let you go, knowing you’ll be there when he needs you.’
‘At the same time, separation anxiety can kick in, with your baby becoming distressed whenever you’re out of sight. It’s a wearing phase, but proof of just how fierce is his love for you,’ she  says.

Bonding with… your toddler

Although she’s gaining independence, you’re still the centre of your toddler’s life. ‘She thrives on interaction, so involve her in your daily routine, talking to her and making eye contact,’ says Nicola. ‘At the end of the day, reinforce the bond between you with a bedtime story, so she goes to bed feeling secure.’

Most children master their first words at around 12 months, and often, Mama and Dada are among them. ‘This proves she knows who her parents are, and is extremely rewarding,’ says Nicola. ‘She’ll also acquire new social skills like kissing and clapping, and use them to show her affection, which you can enjoy and reciprocate.’

But it doesn’t matter how adorable he is, tantrums can seriously test your bond. ‘Acting up is actually a sign of  attachment,’ says Nicola. ‘She feels safe with you and so is able to let her emotions out.’

Tantrums can also indicate she’s craving mummy time. ‘Although you can’t – and shouldn’t – cater to her every whim, be aware she may need more attention than you think,’ says Nicola. ‘Regular, un-requested cuddles can help keep tantrums at bay.’