First time mother

You’re anticipating a few sleepless nights, but it’s impossible to predict just how becoming a mum will change your life. Hold on tight…

How many times, pre-baby, did you hear new mums complain about not being out of their pyjamas before midday and raise a sceptical eyebrow? How often did you see a baggy-eyed woman plugging a dummy into her screaming tot’s mouth and vow never to be like that?

No matter how clued up you think you are, the reality of parenthood hits you like a 10-ton truck. ‘Motherhood has such a huge job spec,’ says Elizabeth Martyn, a mum of two and author of Baby Shock! Your relationship survival guide (Vermilion, £7.99).

‘You have to comfort, nurture, give hands-on care, and teach everything about how to understand the world. And the job goes on for the rest of your life.’

It’s no wonder, then, that the first few months with your baby can come as a shock. And the total upheaval can have even the most capable new mum wondering what on earth she’s let herself in for.

A hard day’s night

Babies are hard work, but it’s impossible to grasp exactly how hard until you’re confronted with your own helpless newborn. ‘I remember saying, only partly tongue-in-cheek, that my baby wouldn’t cry,’ says Jane Rich, 27, mum to Max, five months. ‘But he had colic, and screamed constantly for 12 weeks. How wrong could I have been?’

Meanwhile, Sophie Bennett, 25, expected three-month-old Georgia to sleep through from day one. ‘Until I went to antenatal classes, I had no idea that babies needed feeding at night,’ she admits.

You’ve probably heard new mums’ tales of woe and thought, ‘It won’t be like that for me.’ But believe us, it will. Babies don’t know that night time is for sleeping. They can only communicate by crying and need to refuel every hour or two. And you’re the one who has to deal with it. Before you know it, you’ve turned into that pyjama-clad, greasy-haired mum you used to think was just disorganised.

So why is it so hard to comprehend what caring for a newborn is like before you actually do it? These days, it’s rare to live near our extended families, and we’re not having children until later in life. Often, the first newborn we ever hold is our own. We don’t have friends who have been there and done that, and our own mums have donned their rose-tinted specs and forgotten what new motherhood is really like.

‘Being a mum is a wonderful thing, but it's not something you can fully grasp before it happens to you,’ says Elizabeth Martyn. ‘It helps to spend time with people who have babies. Sitting in while a friend bathes her newborn and watching her juggle towels, shampoo and a slippery wet baby might help you realise why everything takes so much time.’

It’s also a good idea to go to antenatal and postnatal classes to get a basic grounding in baby care, and invest in a parenting book to see you through the inevitable ‘is that normal?’ panics. Pay attention when people tell you to stock the freezer before the birth – you really won’t have time to cook. Likewise, antibacterial surface wipes are a godsend when visitors are coming and the bathroom’s growing mould!

But above all, be realistic. Babies cry. They want feeding a lot. They wake up at night (again, and again, and again). They are sick and poo and wee, and they drive you round the twist. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your little one, or with you. It’s what motherhood is all about and it’s why, when you get that first gummy smile, it’ll all be worth it.

Slipping standards

Even if you’re blessed with a baby who sleeps all night and coos all day, motherhood is a massive culture shock – especially if you don’t live up to your own expectations. Maybe you swore you’d never use a dummy.

Maybe, like Caroline Meadows, you were determined to breastfeed, but it’s all gone wrong. ‘By the end of the first week Kyra had lost 13% of her birthweight and was screaming with hunger,’ says Caroline, 30, mum to 11-week-old Kyra. ‘The health visitor suggested formula, and she settled instantly, but I felt like a failure.’

‘Sit in on any mother and baby group, and you’ll soon find that most new mums have to rewrite their expectations and standards day by day,’ says Elizabeth Martyn. We all start out with the best intentions, but with only one pair of hands and not enough hours in the day, something has to give – whether that means your baby doesn’t get a daily bath, or you rock him to sleep because the alternative is staying up till 3am trying to settle him in his cot.

‘Don’t give in to guilt,’ Elizabeth advises. ‘If your baby goes out in a grubby babygro, so what? As long as he’s warm, fed and loved, you’re doing a great job. Don't set yourself up for failure with lots of expectations. Just do the best you can in any situation, then move on.’

No one would deny that the responsibility of raising your child can be overwhelming, but you won’t screw him up for life by giving him a dummy or letting him sit around in a carrot-stained t-shirt. We promise.

Going through changes

The truth is that no amount of parenting classes, baby manuals and conversations with new mums can prepare you for the complete life change that comes with having a baby. It’s easy to think that your newborn will just fit in with your routine – after all, you were here first. But the reality is often very different.

‘Matt and I seriously thought we’d be able to stick Miles in his car seat and go out to restaurants, bars and the cinema while he slept,’ says Corinne McDonal, mum to Miles, three months. ‘I was so naïve – I won’t even pop to the shop if it’s nap-time.’

‘It's common to hear mums-to-be saying, “it won't change my life,” but how could it not?’ says Elizabeth Martyn. ‘Your new lifestyle depends on your baby. The only way to survive is to be flexible, and adjust your life accordingly.’

But just because life is different doesn’t make it bad. ‘Our social life is just as hectic as ever – it’s just that everything happens at 10am, not 10pm,’ says Corinne. ‘My childless friends dote on Miles. We may not go out for dinner any more, but they’re just as happy to pop round for coffee and a cuddle.’

All loved up

There are plenty of surprises about becoming a mum, then. But nothing is as surprising as the sheer love and devotion you feel for your baby. ‘I hated the first few months, and made plans to go back to work full-time,’ says Mary Lamb, 28, mum to eight-month-old James.

‘But on the way to my back-to-work meeting with my boss, I realised how much I’d grown to love being with my little boy, and couldn’t bear to give that up. Now I’m a stay-at-home mum, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.’

‘Many people find the first few months overwhelming,’ agrees Elizabeth Martyn. ‘But once sleep patterns settle down, most women relax into motherhood and realise what great rewards it brings.’

It’s scary, stressful, confusing, tiring and even boring at times. You’ll have days when you wish you were still childless. But despite all the sleepless nights, all the days when you don’t manage to wash your hair, all the hours spent pacing with a restless newborn, you might just find it’s the most amazing, rewarding and fulfilling adventure of your life.

It’s not that bad, honest…

They might fill you with dread, but these mummy tasks are easier than you think.

• Sleepless nights – you’ll probably get more sleep with a newborn than you did with a huge bump, backache and overactive bladder
• Dirty nappies – baby poo really doesn’t smell that bad, especially if you breastfeed. You might even learn to love it!
• Feeding – yes, it’s time-consuming, but at least it gives you a chance to put your feet up and have a cuddle
• Baby talk – you might swear now that you’ll never go ‘goo goo gaga’ over your baby. Just you wait!
• Coffee mornings – no matter how shy you are, your baby is the perfect ice-breaker

Hating every minute?

Motherhood is a rollercoaster ride of good days and bad. But if every day is a bad one, you may be suffering from postnatal depression (PND), which affects around 10 per cent of new mums. Symptoms include feelings of sadness, panic or anxiety, obsessional thoughts, difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite and poor sex drive.

For some mums, it develops soon after the birth (although almost all go through the ‘baby blues’, which only lasts a few days). Others become depressed later – after as long as six months, in some cases.

PND is treatable with medication, counselling or both, so if you think you may be suffering, speak to your GP or health visitor. For more information, contact the Association for Postnatal Illness (020 7386 0868, apni.org.uk).