The secret worries of a mum-to-be

Whatever your ‘selfish’ concern, other pregnant women share it. Consider this as group therapy as we reveal some of the secret worries of a mum to be

You’re thrilled to be pregnant but those 3am fears you wouldn't admit to anyone can really play on your mind. Don't feel bad, you're not the first mum-to-be who ever worried about giving birth to an ugly baby.

What if my baby's a little ugly mug?

There’s no such thing as an ugly baby – not when he or she’s yours, anyway. “Absolutely everyone worries about this!” says Pregnancy and Birth’s midwife Karen Hone.

“But your hormones and maternal instinct kick in as soon as you see the baby and you just think, perfect, perfect!” The heady brew of hormones, love and sheer astonishment will have you riveted to that little face, which is, of course, the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

Even if he or she’s a bit temporarily squishy-eared, tufty, blotchy or squinty, it’ll just add to the overall scrumptiousness of your offspring. You will spend ages just staring at him or her. Up on your elbow at midnight, going “Isn’t he beautiful?”

It’s nature’s compensation for the really ugly stuff like sleep-deprivation and being forced to sit on rubber rings for weeks after the birth. It will be OTHER people’s babies you find, y’know, average, convinced yours is the most gorgeous. Which will be true.

Will I ever get my body back?

When even seeing you knees again seems unlikely, it’s only natural to get a bit glum about your chance of getting your body back after the baby. You know it’ll be changed but is it so wrong to want to be a yummy mummy?

“It’s right to want your body back and it’s not unrealistic,” says Karen Hone. “But you want to do it slowly and sensibly, without putting pressure on yourself. For the first few months you will have so many other things to think about.”

Karen says dieting is a total no-no, but healthy eating and sensible lifestyle will shift the baby weight slowly and surely. And if you’re breastfeeding, your body burns on average 550 extra calories a day - which is a nice bonus.

Will my nipples end up like saucers?

Your breasts have taken on a bit of a life of their own and along with the pleasing va-va-voom factor comes the nagging worry that your nipples are taking over the planet. Babies are what nipples are for -  but everyone is a bit bothered about getting their pre-baby boobs back.

“Nipples will enlarge when you’re pregnant, with the main nipple surrounded by an extended area created by pregnancy hormones,” says Bournemouth health visitor Kathleen Spall.

“But they won’t end up like saucers and they will go back to normal eventually.” Breastfeeding can be hard on them at first, so Kathleen advises toughening them up by rubbing breast milk onto nipples after feeds.

Will I be embarrassed at the birth?

You get shy in the communal changing rooms at Top Shop, so the thought of letting it all hang out in front of midwives and docs makes you go hot and cold with embarrassment.

There’s no escaping the fact that giving birth has to be a knickers-free experience but, says Karen Hone, your privacy is of prime importance to the people looking after you.

“It is very important to midwives to maintain mum’s dignity throughout the whole experience,” she says. “Normally, there will be only your partner and one midwife in the room until the baby arrives.

When you are examined, there will always be a sheet over you. And if it makes you feel less exposed, you could wear a long nightshirt.”

What if my partner never wants to go near me again after watching me give birth?

Just looking at the birth pictures in the baby books put you both off your sandwiches, so how will he cope with seeing the nuts and bolts of  you doing it for real?

Will he ever find you sexy again? “Yes,” says Karen Hone. “Most men do get over it! Otherwise there would never be any second children, would there? But if you are really worried about this, then make sure dad stays at the top of the bed during labour, giving lots of cuddles and holding hands and doesn’t keep peeking down below.

The midwives don’t really want him down there anyway. And the instant of getting the baby out isn’t something that sticks in men’s mind because there is too much else to think about.”

Speaking of nether regions – will they ever be the same again?

You can’t help dwelling on the impact of childbirth on your lady bits. Dwelling until your eyes water, to be honest. Again you have to have a bit of faith in your clever body. The pelvic floor, birth canal and vagina will stretch to accommodate the baby’s head during the labour and delivery.

Kathleen Spall says: “Episiotomy (a cut) is very rare these days, though little tears are possible. But even if you need stitches, you will be given suitable anaesthetic and pain relief and it’s just a case of giving yourself a chance to heal.

Eating properly and resting is important. After ten days, you will be healing well and by your six week check-up you should be back to normal.”

What if I can’t cope with the pain and go totally to pieces?

You go a bit faint when you have a blood test and cry when you stub your toe. You’re not sure you actually HAVE a pain threshold, so how will you cope with childbirth?

The first thing to remember is, giving birth is not a competition and you don’t lose points for asking/begging/screaming for pain relief. “You will be able to have any pain control that you want,” says Karen Hone.

“Don’t be swayed by other people telling you what you should or shoudn’t have. It is your choice, in discussion with your midwife. Read up on what your hospital has available and discuss it with your midwife.

Some hospitals have mobile epidurals, for example. Be honest about your fears and talk to your midwife when you are drawing up your birth plan.”

I really want a girl, what if it's a boy and I’m disappointed?

You're besotted by all the frilly pink baby clothes in the shops and have five favourite girl's names – but none for a boy. Or you've got your fingers crossed for a little lad. Won't you feel a bit disappointed, then horribly guilty, if you get the opposite?

Again – you can stop fretting. ‘When you see your baby, all these preferences will disappear,’ promises Karen Hone. ‘You won't care what sex it is, all you'll care about is that you have a perfect, healthy child.’

She advises mums-to-be not to pin their hopes on one sex or the other, even if they think they know it from the scan. It wouldn't be the first time the cord was mistaken for boy bits, or the way the baby was laying made a girl guess wrong too. So buy yellow baby dungarees and you can’t go wrong.