Things you swore you'd never do with your baby

Every mum-to-be does it: we silently tut at the parenting ‘mistakes’ we see others making and promise ourselves we’ll never do the same. But then we do!

You swore you’d never... make goo-goo noises at your baby

Oh, how it made your pregnant stomach squirm to hear that silly sing-song new-mum voice, all sugar-sweet and coochy-coo and accompanied by a veritable pantomime of facial contortions.

And then you held your newborn for the first time and found yourself automatically – and quite unstoppably – making little cooing noises of your own. ‘You can’t help yourself,’ says Kellie Ingam, 30, from London, mum to Madison, 15 weeks.

‘It’s just completely instinctive. And, you know what? It’s worth looking a right idiot just to see Madison smile and laugh back at me.’
 
You swore you’d never... use a dummy

‘I’ve always hated dummies,’ says Joanna Coulter, 27, from Edinburgh, mum to Finlay, seven months. ‘I used to say they make babies look ugly and stupid. A woman in my antenatal class gave me an odd look when I said this once – she was having her second baby and now, in hindsight, I know that look meant, “Just you wait!”

‘After Finlay was born, I had two very smug dummy-free weeks. And then the colic started. Finlay was screaming his little head off all evening long and I just couldn’t calm him down, no matter how much I jiggled and rocked him.

Eventually, my mum came round with a dummy and said, “Try it – if it works, who cares what it looks like?” I put it in Finlay’s mouth and there was instant peace. I’ve realised he’s just a “sucky” baby and, for both of us, the dummy is a lifesaver – even if it does look hideous!’

You swore you’d never... let your child sleep in your bed

Well, it’s lazy, sloppy parenting and a sure path to marital discord, isn’t it? Let your child into your bed once and you’ll have a fidgety human bolster wedged between you and your partner for the rest of your (hanky-panky-free) days. That’s certainly what Maria Katsanou, 28, from London, mum to Charlie, two, thought – until Charlie decided otherwise.

‘It all started off as we intended,’ she says, ‘with Charlie in his cot, and my husband Theo and I in our bed. Then when Charlie was about six months, he started teething – and waking up in pain several times a night. All the getting up and stumbling around in the dark crucified me and, one night, desperate with exhaustion, I just bundled him into bed with us. And he slept like a log!

Since then, he’s been coming in with us about once or twice a week. It’s snuggly and cuddly and we all get a good night’s sleep. And it’s certainly not a passion-killer: when the spirit moves us, Theo and I just sneak off to the spare bed!’

You swore you’d never... breastfeed past six months

It’s one thing breastfeeding a tiny, nuzzly little newborn; it’s quite another allowing a thumping great seven-month-old to mangle your nipples. To anyone who’s never tried it, it just seems weird. And masochistic (they have teeth then, you know). Or is it?

‘I never thought I’d breastfeed past six weeks, let alone six months,’ says Jools McBride, 31, mum to Poppy, nine months, ‘But I did actually come to enjoy it. And when Poppy was six months, I just carried on.

I mean, I’d gone to so much trouble getting the hang of it all in the first place, why give up just because my baby was half-a-year old? Besides, I really couldn’t be bothered to faff about with formula and boiling kettles.

I don’t think I’m weird: I know it’s not for everyone but I’m just doing what comes naturally for me.’

You swore you’d never... talk about poo in public

Before you have a baby, poo only comes up in conversation if you’re talking to your GP or getting all nostalgic (if mispelt) about Christopher Robin’s antics in Hundred Acre Wood. After you have a baby, poo is up there with sleepless nights and perineal stitches as one of the most fascinating topics to chat about – wherever you are.

‘I remember being in a café once,’ says Fran Power, 26, from Nottingham, mum to Eleanor, six months, ‘and watching this mum pick up her baby, sniff his bottom and say, ‘Ooh, you’ve done such a big poo, darling!” I was horrified.

And yet only the other day, I was in the park with my postnatal-group friends, merrily describing how brown and pongy Eleanor’s poos have becomes since she started solids. My pre-baby self would have died of embarrassment!’

You swore you’d never... use your telly as a babysitter

In perfect parenting world – the one you breezily assume you are going to inhabit – children never watch telly: they’re too busy interacting with you in a calm, creative and developmentally appropriate kind of way.

And then, in real parenting world, you realise there are times when you – and, let’s face it, your children – need a bit of a break. ‘I seriously don’t think I’d make it through the day without Big Cook Little Cook,’ says Sue Littlejohn, 31, from London, mum to Raphael, two.

‘Rafy won’t go down for an afternoon nap any more but he will sit quietly on the sofa and watch Cbeebies. And that’s my little spot of calm: half an hour or so to chill out with a quiet cup of tea!’

You swore you’d never... let a baby cramp your style

Stroking your glorious bump as you sipped an orange juice and caught up with friends in your local café, you vowed never to be stuck indoors, still in your PJs at 1pm – you were going to be a mum who just pops her newborn into a sling and nips out for a lunchtime catch up.

‘I don’t think you can ever really get how much becoming a parent can change you – until it does,’ says Vicky Emrey, 28, from Manchester, mum to Sam, three, and Jonah, 10 weeks.

‘I’d always been quite a spur-of-the-moment kind of girl and I just assumed I’d scoop my baby up and take him out to clubs, parties and posh restaurants with me.’ Fast forward to motherhood and, yup, Vicky was eating her words. ‘I haven’t set foot in a club since I became a mum,’ she says.

‘I don’t think they’re quite set up for nightfeeds somehow! And, as for eating out, let’s just say, with our fidgety toddler, posh is out and places with plastic playhouses are in!’