Cope with sleep deprivation

The first time I was left alone in hospital to feed my new baby I started to cry tears of disbelief. Was I really expected to look after this helpless little baby when I’d had no sleep for 18 hours and felt like I’d been run over by a bus? I’d probably been warned about feeling like this, but didn’t take it in as I’d been so worried about the labour and birth.

By breakfast time I was disorientated by lack of sleep, tearful and desperate to go home. The truth is I was totally unprepared for the devastating effects of sleep deprivation. Like most pregnant women I couldn’t really believe it could be that bad – surely all those other mums were exaggerating?

What does sleep deprivation feel like?

‘New parents are shocked by how bad they actually feel when their sleep is disrupted,’ says M&B health visitor Jackie Walsh. ‘They think they can have a newborn baby and carry on doing all the things they used to do like cook, shop, see friends, look after other children and clean the house. All on no sleep. But it just isn’t possible – sooner or later it catches up with you. If you carry on at that rate you’re going to come crashing down.’

Sleep deprivation soon starts to impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing and you’ll feel tired, fatigued, disorientated, irritable, tearful and physically unwell.

‘I see mums about six weeks after the birth, and this is when sleep loss starts to have an impact,’ says Jackie. ‘Their partner has gone back to work, offers of help have dried up and the cumulative effects of sleep loss has made them feel utterly exhausted.’

5 ways sleep deprivation can make you feel

Disorientated Sleep deprivation is used by torturers. You might not know what time it is or even what day of the week it is.

Tired and fatigued You’ll have no energy and everything you do will feel like a huge effort.

Uncoordinated You may find driving and tasks that require concentration difficult and be more prone to accidents.

Emotional, tearful and irritable You tend to get things out of proportion when you’re not getting any sleep, dissolve into tears at the drop of a hat and snap your partner’s head off with the minimum provocation.

Loss of sex drive You tend to be obsessed by going to bed – but only for sleeping! Sex is the last thing on your mind.

Did you know?

Most new parents lose at least two hours’ sleep a night for the first four or five months after their baby is born, and one hour a night thereafter.

Sleep cycles

How you feel when you wake up depends very much on the stage of sleep you were in prior to waking, according to sleep expert and psychologist Dr Olwen Wilson, based at the Royal Surrey County Hospital, Guildford.

‘We all have a cycle of sleep, starting with light sleep, descending through dream sleep – sometimes known as Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep – then into deep sleep. 

‘Dream sleep is where the brain sorts through all the experiences of the day and does the filing – we just can’t function without it. Research has shown that if you don’t get enough dream sleep you actually start to hallucinate when you’re awake – this is the body effectively dreaming while it’s awake.’

The body goes through approximately five cycles of these stages of sleep every night, the first one takes approximately two hours and then each cycle is slightly shorter, decreasing to just over an hour before you wake up.

Why do you feel so awful?

Experiments with soldiers who were woken in different phases of sleep found those woken in either light or deep sleep were able to function well the next day, but those who were woken in dream sleep were jittery and disorientated.

‘If you are woken by your baby crying while you’re in dream sleep you wake up suddenly without going through all the sleep levels as if from the depths of the ocean. This can make you disorientated, irritable and shaky,’ Dr Wilson says. ‘Your baby won’t feel like that though because he’s woken naturally and been in a light sleep.’

Did you know?

Adults sleep an average of seven hours a night and we naturally wake five times a night, but we don’t remember it.

No sleep survival tips

• Take a nap ‘The most important thing to realise is that you need to catch up on the sleep you’re losing at some point in the day,’ says Jackie. ‘Taking a nap while your baby sleeps is a good idea, and don’t feel guilty about sleeping during the day, even a short power nap can be very restorative.’
  
  
• Go to bed early If you can’t nap during the day, go to bed early, let your partner look after the baby when he arrives home from work and get a good chunk of sleep in before night-time. That way you’ll feel more able to cope with the night feeds.
  
  
• Prioritise on the domestic front Make a list of everything you need to do in the day and then prioritise, choosing three or four things to concentrate on, so you don’t get overtired. ‘Most housework can wait, good friends will understand if you have to cancel visits and you can do your shopping on the internet – there’s no point trying to be super mum, you’ll just end up exhausted,’ says Jackie.
  
  
• Accept any offers of help You know you’d do the same for other people so get mums to drop your older children at playgroup for you, let your mum do the ironing, or ask a friend to take your baby out for a walk while you nap. Just concentrate on feeding your little one, getting enough sleep and looking after yourself.
  
  
• Devote some time to yourself You need at least 20 minutes to half an hour a day for yourself. Choose what you want to do – read a magazine, catch up on your favourite soap or soak in the bath. Just give yourself a breather.
  
  

Don’t forget to eat well Resist the temptation to snack on chocolate, caffeine or sugary drinks – they’ll give you a temporary high, but you’ll soon come crashing down. Snack on healthy carbohydrates such as wholemeal toast, bananas and sandwiches, which will release energy slowly through the day. Iron deficiency anaemia is common after childbirth, too, and the symptoms are tiredness and low energy (exactly what you don’t want at the moment), so eat iron-rich foods such as red meat and leafy green vegetables to combat this.

Did you know?

Caffeinated drinks can affect your ability to fall and remain asleep for up to 10 hours after you drink them.

How to cope at work

You may have got through the newborn phase but how do you cope with broken nights when you’re back at work? ‘You’ve got to talk to your manager about the problems you’re experiencing, you can’t just ignore what’s going on at home,’ says Dr Wilson. ‘If you’re going to tackle a sleep problem and know its going to mean a few broken nights, then book some leave so you can catch up on sleep at home.’

You can also ask your manager if there’s an unoccupied office (or sick room) where you could lie down and take a power nap. If you normally drive to work, leave the car at home and take the train so you can sleep on the journey. Cut back on any socialising after work and catch up on sleep at weekends (take it in turns with your partner). All these suggestions might sound a bit drastic, but they all work as short-term survival tactics.

What to do if your relationship is suffering

One of the first casualties of sleep deprivation can be your relationship – you’re both tired and irritable and you’ll snap at each other just because you can. You’re too tired for sex and barely have a conversation, so you may start wondering what happened to the happy couple you once were and whether you’ll ever feel the same again.

‘Be honest with your partner about how you’re feeling, explain how tired you are, and that way you’ll stop resentment building up,’ says Jackie. ‘Having no sleep is difficult for your partner, too, so it can be a big stress for your relationship. You need to sit down together, have a cuddle, talk and watch TV with a glass of wine – just spend some time together and this will help you get back to the couple you were.’

If you’re too tired for sex, say so – that way your partner won’t feel rejected and left out by you and the baby. Explain that you’re sure your sex drive will return when you get more sleep or suggest going to bed one afternoon at the weekend when your baby’s asleep.

How to catch up

Your body will eventually catch up on the sleep it’s lost (that’s why you sleep a lot on holiday), but you can take some of the pressure off by easing up on everything. Accept that you need to slow the pace down for a few months to adjust to looking after someone else 24 hours a day. Take regular naps, go to bed earlier, take turns with your partner to sleep in at the weekend or let the grandparents take your baby overnight or out for an afternoon.

‘You’ll find that when you do sleep after you’ve had a broken night, you’ll experience more dream sleep, this is the body’s way of catching up on the time it has lost to process everything,’ says Dr Wilson.

Remember this is just a few months out of your life and it won’t always be like this – one day you’ll have teenagers that you have to kick out of bed!

6 instant pick-me-ups

1. Get some exercise It’s hard to believe, but exercise can actually increase your energy levels and release the body’s feel-good hormones, endorphins. Try a 30-minute swim (lots of pools have crèches) or a brisk walk in the park.

2. Whizz up a smoothie Resist caffeine and opt for a healthy fruit drink – watermelon is great for boosting your immunity (you’re often more prone to infections when you’re tired and run down).

3. Have a massage Get your partner to massage you with some reviving essential oils such as mandarin (mix with a carrier oil before applying).

4. Have a power shower with an invigorating shower gel to wake you up in the morning or if it’s the end of the day unwind in a warm lavender bath to help you relax.

5. Burn essential oils of jasmine, lemon, lime or grapefruit to invigorate you.

The dos and don’ts of good sleep

• · Do power nap when your baby is asleep during the day – even a short nap can perk you up no end.
  
  
• Don’t nap for too long though as you’ll feel groggy and it could interfere with your sleep at nighttime.
  
  
• Do get your partner to share some of the load. Yes, he’s got work in the morning, but you can’t go on indefinitely doing everything yourself. Let him give your baby a late night bottle of expressed milk so you can go to bed early and get a good chunk of sleep before you’re woken in the night.
  
  
• Do invest in blackout blinds (they come in nice colours, too). They’ll block out the daylight and let you and your baby sleep better during the day.
  
  
• Don’t rely on alcohol to give you a boost, whilst it will relax you initially and help you to fall asleep faster, it will also disrupt sleep that ensues, particularly deep sleep in the second half of the night.
  
  
  Getting back to sleep
  
  You’ve been up for an hour feeding your baby and feel wide awake, how do you nod off again?

2. Spray your pillow with lavender The scent of lavender can help you drop off. Try Boots Sleep Pillow Mist – Lavender (£6.50 for 100ml).

3. Don’t get stressed about it Worrying about not being able to sleep can make things worse. Try some of the deep relaxation exercises you learnt in pregnancy. At least you’re not in labour!

4. Get into the habit of napping After a few weeks of being woken repeatedly, you’ll soon want to grab any sleep you can and you’ll find you can get straight back to sleep in minutes.