Being a single mother

Should you have to wait for ‘the one’ to become a mum? Two readers debate whether you should choose single motherhood

YES: Mikki Morrissette, 44, is mum to Sophia, 8, and Dylan, 3, conceived using sperm donated by a male friend. Now married, she is author of ‘Choosing Single Motherhood: The thinking woman’s guide’.

‘Being a good parent is more important than being a married one. I strongly believe that a single woman who conscientiously throws herself into mothering has amazing benefits to provide to her children.

I got divorced in my thirties  but I really wanted to have a family. The father of my children is a friend of mine, and we talked long and hard before making the decision.

Of course it can be complicated at times. The hardest bit was the first year – or ‘baby boot camp’ as I like to call it– when I felt very isolated.  You really need a strong support network as a Choice mum, which was why I decided to move nearer to my family.

Dylan has never met his biological father – we agreed from the beginning that he didn’t want to be involved with the children’s upbringning and that’s fine with me.

We’ve always said we’ll keep thing fluid though and if either child wants to become involved with him at any point we’ll review the situation. He met Sophia a couple of times simply because we used to live near each other, and they still talk occassionally on the phone, but Dylan doesn’t lack for male role models and I have talked with many confident ‘Choice Kids’ whose self-esteem is enhanced by the concentrated bond they have with their mothers.

I know make an effort to bring a wide network of family, friends, mentors, and male role models into their children’s lives.

There are disadvantages certainly. The financial and logistical stress can be taxing and of course we feel sad sometimes that another parent isn’t there to love our child as much as we do.

I wasn’t looking to meet anyone  but when I was five months pregnant with my second child I met my husband   who was there  when Dylan was born. Which just goes to show that being a Choice mum doesn’t mean an end to romance!

Women who make this choice are generally very strong minded, well educated, resourceful and dedicated to being good parents. Personally I find it very liberating being able to make parenting decisions on my own, without someone else weighing in with their opinions but I can see it wouldn’t be right for everyone. 

As for me, I wouldn’t change a thing!

NO: Elizabeth Marquardt, 37, is married to Jim and mum to Marianna, 5, and Thomas, 3.

 She has written extensively on the effect of different family structures on a child’s wellbeing and is currently working on a book called ‘My Daddy’s name is Donor.’

‘No woman has the right to decide on her child’s behalf – before it is even conceived – that it doesn’t need a dad. I understand a woman’s longing for a baby - I would have been devastated if I hadn’t been able to have children - but I also know how much children long for a father.  

I see the bond my kids have with their dad  - the needs he meets in a way I never could. I don’t think a woman has any right to deny her children that relationship. Personally. I think it’s arrogant to assume you can be both father and mother to a child.

I understand single women who get pregnant by accident may make the brave choice to go ahead and have the baby but it’s one thing to say ‘Life is complicated – let’s make the best of it’ and quite another to consciously create complications which your child will have to live with for the rest of their life.
 
I am working on a study talking to the children of sperm donors and I constantly hear things like: ‘I don’t know who I am. I feel like half of me is a question mark.’ A child may have a file of information about the donor parent but that is not the same as being raised by the two people who made you.

I think in some cases the standards women set for a life partner are too high. And it’s scary to think you can now go  ‘shopping’ for  ‘perfect’ father material from sperm donors.

In doing so they are severing their child from half of its genetic roots, denying it the relationship with a biological parent which children tell us is so important to them. Perhaps these women should lower their own expectations a bit rather than expecting their children to make sacrifices on their behalf.’

Choice mums – a growing trend

Choice motherhood has become increasingly popular over the last decade. Research suggests that roughly 50,000 women IN THE UK choose single motherhood each year.

At least one-quarter of the 125,000 adoptions each year IN THE UK and one-third of the 30,000 anonymous donor inseminations each year IN THE UK  involve single women.

Celebs like Jodie Foster, Rosie O’Donnell, and Sharon Stone have made choice motherhood look fashionable, while legal and cultural changes regarding illegitimacy, birth control, adoption and divorce have all played a part, as has the advance of science.

The typical ‘Choice Mum’ is in her 30s and 40s when she becomes a mother. She makes at least £25,000 a year and is likely to have a degree.

Useful contacts

‘Choice’ mums

Choosing Single Motherhood (website) www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com

Single Mothers by Choice (website): http://mattes.home.pipeline.com
‘Choosing Single Motherhood – The Thinking Woman’s Guide’   Mikki Morrisette (Be-mondo publishing) £12.99
‘Single Mothers by Choice’ – Jane Mattes (Times Books, US) £6.99