Your guide to the 'new mum etiquette'

The first days with your baby will throw up all sorts of new and different social dilemmas. The unwanted visitors; the replicated gifts; the prospect of breastfeeding in front of your dad… What’s a new mum to do?

According to Jo Bryant, editor of Debrett’s A-Z Of Modern Manners (£11.99, Debrett’s Ltd), it’s all about etiquette. ‘It sounds like an old-fashioned concept, but etiquette simply means thinking about how others feel,’ she says. ‘Manners are about showing appreciation, not causing offence – basically keeping those you know and love “on side”.’

We asked the experts for their tips on post-partum Ps and Qs and how to handle tricky situations with grace and style.

When people ask about my labour, how much detail is it appropriate to go into?

‘It’s really not helpful to go into gory details – especially with pregnant friends. The mind has a powerful part to play in giving birth and women who go into labour without fear usually do better. Focus on the lovely result.’
Jenny Sendanayake, Independent midwife

My friend has called her baby Oliver: the name I wanted to use. Should I choose another?

‘This is what we in the name business call “name-sniping”. For a common name like Oliver, it’s not really an issue – that could have happened by coincidence and won’t affect the children’s lives. The problem arises when it is a more unique name; then you tend to feel it has been “stolen” from you and this creates bad feelings. Make it clear to your friend you were considering the name and ask if she was aware of that.
Tell her you’ll still use the name as planned, but wanted to let her know in case she decides to change her baby name choice. Put the ball in her court. Then stick to your plan. Nothing is wrong with two friends having the same name for their child, although if it were your brother or sister (where the children would be cousins), I’d say one of you would have to choose a new name.’
Jennifer Moss, founder and CEO of babynames.com

How can we keep well-meaning visitors away?

‘Although family members can’t wait to see the newborn, a unique bonding takes place between the parents and child in the first few days. Visitors can interrupt this by wanting to hold the baby, disrupting breastfeeding, expecting cups of tea and quite often overstaying their welcome. So tell friends and family beforehand that you want space, then be firm about turning people away. Take the phone off the hook and leave a note on the front door saying, “Mother and baby asleep, do not disturb.” There will be plenty of time for everyone to meet your baby in the coming weeks and months.’
Jenny Sendanayake

My mother keeps interfering. How do I tell her I’d rather do things my way?

‘Be honest, polite but firm. Tell her you appreciate her comments, but that you have to make decisions for yourself on matters that affect your family. Remind her that she was a good mother but that you hope she will respect your role as “mum” now so your child can appreciate her as “Grandma”. Remember she is only trying to help – and you may well need that help in due course.’
Lynn Chesterman, chief executive of The Grandparents’ Association

Is it OK to breastfeed in front of men or older people?

‘A mother’s instinct is her best guide as to how to handle breastfeeding when there are men around. If you want to be ultra-discreet, you can splash out on feeding tops and scarves (check out mamascarf.co.uk and nctshop.co.uk). But a baby’s need to feed at his mother’s breast means everyone should – in theory, at least – be supportive of and sensitive to your needs. Likewise, you can show you’re sensitive to theirs by giving a little warning and perhaps keeping your breasts as covered as possible.’
Heather Kale, NCT breastfeeding counsellor

How do I get people to stop bringing me cuddly toys and instead buy things we need?‘

Choosing gifts for new parents can be a bit of a minefield for friends and family, who often fall for the safe options. You can avoid this by setting up a baby gift list. It works like a wedding list and you can find online companies to help you arrange them from a variety of shops (try thegiftlistcompany.com), or just have one at your favourite store (Babies R Us and Mothercare both have list services). Consider how easy it will be for people to access the list before you set something up.’
Jo Luke, director of gift website Bébé Amour

My baby is sleeping through the night at six weeks. What should I say when friends ask how he’s doing, even though I know their babies are still waking frequently?

‘Be honest, but try not to be smug – your good fortune may change as quickly as it arrived and if it does you’ll want your friends’ sympathy and reassurance.’
Angela Holland, spokesperson at Parentline Plus

I’m so exhausted. Do I really need to write thank-you notes for all these gifts?

‘If somebody has taken the time to choose a present, you should take the time to say thank you. As a general rule, a thank-you letter should be written within a week to 10 days of receipt of a present and, in an ideal world, it should be handwritten and sent by post. The principle of saying thank you is the most important thing, however, so if postnatal chaos prevents you from putting pen to paper, then a telephone call, email or text message is also acceptable.’
Jo Bryant, editor of Debrett’s A-Z Of Modern Manners

Is it OK for me to take my new baby to a wedding?

‘It depends entirely on the bride and the type of wedding. Not many brides cherish having babies crying through their ceremony, so many weddings now have a strict “no children” policy, but the couple may be willing to make an exception for newborns.
‘If the wedding is taking place in a hotel or venue with bedrooms, one solution would be to ask the hotel if it offers a babysitting service. Ultimately, you need to respect the bride and groom’s wishes, so sound them out well in advance.’
Deborah Joseph, editor of Brides magazine

My dad wants our baby to be christened but we are not religious. What should we do?

‘You can either have a “naming ceremony” rather than an actual christening, or tell your dad that, as you are not religious, you would rather wait until the child is old enough to make up his own mind. Tact and diplomacy will be the key words when discussing this.’
Lynn Chesterman

Is it rude to exchange unwanted baby gifts

‘It depends on the giver. Are they the type who would be offended if they knew you’d taken their gift back to the shop? If so, it might be better to stuff the item in the back of your wardrobe until the giver comes to visit. When Granny comes round, for instance, would it really hurt to put your little one in the hideous jumper she so lovingly knitted for him? Children grow out of clothes very quickly so they can soon be passed on to the charity shop.

‘On the other hand, some people would prefer you to have something you actually need than stick with an unwanted gift. If you feel brave, you could always broach the subject with them and sound out how they feel, then everyone ends up happy.’
Dr Jenny Leonard, psychologist and parent coach, ukparentcoaching.co.uk

Five EXTRA etiquette rules

- Acknowledge your midwife. It doesn’t have to be a card (although that’s nice) but a gracious and heart-felt thank you for her help is good manners.

- Remember your friends and don’t get locked into baby world. Even a group email or text letting people know you’re OK shows consideration.

- Be gracious when you accept help from friends and family. However exhausted you are, don’t forget to thank them. Their help is vital in those early few weeks.

- Be considerate. Being a mother is possibly the most important job in the world, but polite mums don’t lord their status over other people.

- Listen. The number-one rule for showing courtesy is to listen. And that means looking out for signs that people have had enough of your baby talk.