Sex after birth – the truth

You can barely walk, let alone perform the Kama Sutra, but she’s serious. 

Although you could, in theory, get pregnant just three weeks after giving birth, the reality is that nature has a way of making sure you don’t end up with having babies back to back. In those magical yet haphazard early weeks, the combination of sleepless nights, an ever-present baby in the bedroom and the delicate state of your private parts combine to make the idea of a steamy session as appealing as… having to give birth again.

At your six-week postnatal check, having examined you to ensure any stitches have healed, your doctor will probably give you the all clear to have sex. ‘But just because you’ve been given the green light doesn’t mean you should be doing it,’ says sex psychologist Dr Petra Boynton. ‘Your doctor is really just saying it’s safe if you want to. It can take up to a year for your sex life to get back to normal after having a baby.’

Research also shows that 80% of women experience a drop in desire in the first month after childbirth*. We’re surprised it’s that few.

Ready or not?

Considering what our bodies go through during birth, it’s no surprise to find romance isn’t high on the agenda for most new mothers.

If you were lucky enough to have an easy birth, perhaps you may be ready for sex after six weeks or earlier, but if you tore, had an episiotomy or suffered any degree of scarring or bruising, you may well be worried it could hurt. ‘I was so badly torn after my second daughter’s birth that I honestly thought I would never have sex again,’ says Sue, 27. ‘I couldn’t see it ever happening.’

If you’re breastfeeding, the hormone prolactin can reduce libido. Lower levels of oestrogen also accompany breastfeeding. Even if you’re not breastfeeding, the drop in oestrogen levels after birth can affect natural lubrication.

In spite of this hormonal rollercoaster, you may still feel very loving towards your partner. ‘Oxytocin, the other hormone that’s produced naturally during breastfeeding, is actually a bonding hormone, which strengthens the tie of new mothers to their baby and partner,’ says sexual and marital counsellor Anne Hooper, author of Great Sex Secrets (£7.99, Dorling Kindersley). ‘It’s the same hormone that’s released during orgasm.’

But with broken nights and no down time during the day, the most obvious passion killer is exhaustion. The last thing you need when you finally hit the pillow is pressure to perform. ‘Sex can feel like just one more thing on your long to-do list,’ says Petra.

Alongside a demanding baby, your partner can feel like yet another ‘child’ wanting attention. ‘I was breastfeeding every three hours, often for an hour at a time, in the first few weeks,’ says Cassie, 31, mother to Anna, nine months. ‘I didn’t want my husband to feel neglected, but by the time I got to bed all I wanted to do was snatch a couple of hours sleep before the next feed. After about six weeks he made a move and I did go along with it, even though I was knackered, because I wanted to feel like his lover again, not just a mother.’

Having a baby has a huge emotional impact on your relationship, says Relate therapist Julia Cole. ‘My clients can take anything from a month to a year to get back to their normal romantic relationship,’ she says. ‘Suddenly the attention moves from you as a couple to three of you. This new focus on the baby can make your relationship feel less sexual – you have to almost “undaddy” your partner to allow yourself to see him as more than just a parent.’

The confidence factor

But it’s not just your state of exhaustion that can affect what happens in the bedroom. For some women, a loss of self-confidence after giving birth can really affect how they feel about sex. Your new body may come as a shock, especially with breasts now serving a different purpose.

 ‘I didn’t feel like me,’ remembers Laura, 33, mother to Tim, 17 months. ‘I’d gone from a pre-baby size 14 to a size 18. I just didn’t believe I was attractive at all any more. One night I put on some sexy underwear, then thought, “Oh dear, I look gross”.’ Laura admits suddenly feeling a bit ‘prudish’ about sex, too. Says Petra, ‘The idea that “Now I’m a mum I shouldn’t be naughty” is very common. It’s all part of us adjusting to our new identity as a mother.’

Paula, 32, mother to Will, 10 months, admits she feels less sexy. ‘My body has changed so much, I feel self-conscious about it,’ she says. ‘We’ve only had sex twice and that was out of duty, to be honest. I was on automatic pilot; I couldn’t seem to switch off and enjoy it. Feeling under pressure puts me off even more.’
The reality is that most men don’t mind the changes in our bodies. Don’t forget that your partner may also be nervous about having sex again and may worry about hurting you the first time. ‘If he’s watched a traumatic birth he can feel quite anxious, as his last memory of you is in pain,’ says Petra. ‘He may be scared of getting you pregnant again, too.’

Relight the fire

Before you are tempted to file your relationship under ‘purely platonic’, there are ways to rekindle the intimacy when you’re ready. And after a day spent changing nappies or sterilising bottles, you might just find it’s a relief to have someone focus on you for a change. Petra suggests talking to your partner and asking for support so you can tackle tiredness, or the feelings you have of being overwhelmed.

‘Remember, his help needs to be consistent,’ she says. ‘Just one early night isn’t going to make you feel better.’ That’s the practical side taken care of, but even more important, says Julia, is to preserve that connection between you as a couple. ‘In those first few weeks, make sure you get at least half an hour alone together,’ she says. Julia suggests going for a short walk in the park together – and vowing not to talk about your baby during that time.

According to Petra, many new parents only have sex a couple of times a month, compared to other couples who have sex twice a week on average*. ‘Whether you feel ready for sex after two weeks or six months, remember it doesn’t have to be full intercourse,’ she says. ‘Just kiss and cuddle at first. Many women find it a very sensual experience just to focus on turning their partner on, maybe giving him a massage in the shower.’

Anne Hooper recommends a technique called ‘sensate focus’, where you share erotic massages, with full sex forbidden at first. ‘This helps you reconnect with your sexuality without the pressure,’ she says.

All well and good, but how can you find the opportunity to get intimate when there’s a Moses basket permanently next to the bed? Think laterally. Why not do it on the sofa or in the kitchen, or on a lazy Sunday while your baby’s napping? ‘Try going out to a restaurant or go away for the weekend,’ says Anne. ‘Ask grandparents to babysit.’ Experiment with different positions. If you feel self-conscious of your baby belly, cover yourself with a sheet or dim the lights.

Don’t expect too much of yourself, either. You’re not aiming for mind-blowing passion. Especially as, according to Petra, if you are breastfeeding, you may find your breasts are particularly sensitive and may leak. Instead of putting pressure on yourself, think of the first time as a road-test and you may just be pleasantly surprised.

There could even be some advantages to sex after the baby. ‘Some women find they have fewer orgasms after childbirth, but that those they do have are more intense,’ says Petra. Add to this the fact most women go on to have a second child – probably the most encouraging fact of all.

Still not had sex? consider this…

- If a year after having your baby you’re still not interested in having sex, explore why. ‘This is only a problem if it’s causing arguments or one of you wants sex and the other definitely doesn’t,’ says Petra. One reason could be ‘birth trauma’, where you’re left with a fear of pain. In this case, psycho-sexual counselling could help (see relate.org.uk).

- If you’ve lost all sexual interest in your partner, wider relationship issues could be at play. Do you resent him for not helping you enough with the baby, for example? If your baby is sick or disabled, you may feel that you shouldn’t be ‘enjoying yourself’ with sex.

- Libido loss could be a sign of postnatal depression. See your GP for help or counselling, and contact The Association For Post-Natal Illness for advice (apni.org).

- There may also be medical reasons. ‘If you’ve tried sex and found it
uncomfortable, it could be that you weren’t stitched up well. This can be corrected through further surgery,’ says Petra. ‘Or it may be due to an infection that’s gone unnoticed, so see your GP.’