Sex after birth – what men really think

Does he still fancy you with stretchmarks and a jelly belly? And do things feel different ‘down below’? Here’s what he really thinks…

If you’ve ever asked your man, ‘Darling, what are you thinking?’ after sex, you probably got a look of vague shiftiness mixed with panic and…okay, raw fear. For the average bloke, discussing his sexual feelings is on a par with pulling teeth. We men love having sex, but most of us hate talking about it, especially with our partners.

This naturally leaves you feeling mystified about what (if anything) is going through your other half’s head. And never more so than during and after pregnancy, when your hormones are doing summersaults and your emotions are already all over the place.

Will he suddenly decide he doesn’t want to have sex with you now you’re a mum? Or will he turn into a sex maniac? How will he react to your post baby body? And will it all feel different now you’ve pushed a baby out?

‘It’s common for women to feel insecure about their bodies after having a baby,’ says M&B expert and relationship counsellor, Gladeana McMahon. ‘You may worry about everything from stretch marks and the weight you’ve gained, to being too sore or too tired. But you’d be surprised how many men see these changes in a loving light. To him, they’re evidence that you’re now the mother of his child.’

‘I feel closer to her’

New dad Adam Smith, 27, from Barnet, north London, is married to Tanya, 26. Their daughter Chloe is eight months old, and Adam says that Tanya’s changed body has never been an issue for him.

‘Tanya’s always moaning that her breasts have hit the floor, but I really don’t care,’ says Adam. ‘I feel closer to her than ever. Sex feels much the same as it ever did, except I avoid contact with her nipples in case I get a squirt of milk! But really, that’s the only thing that’s changed.’

‘Who cares about a wobbly tum?’

Chris Harris, 42, from Croydon, Surrey, agrees. He’s married to Angela, 36, and their daughter, Jo, is 18 months old. ‘When you have a baby together, you’re on such an emotional rollercoaster that you really couldn’t care less about things like a wobbly tummy or leaky boobs. Angela’s body feels different, but bodies change with age anyway. Mind you, her breasts have got much bigger, which is a bonus!’

However Chris, who was present at Jo’s birth, admits that seeing her head emerge from Angela’s body is an image he can’t forget. ‘I do suffer flashbacks to the birth during sex, which can be off-putting,’ he says. ‘But slowly and surely, our love-life is getting back on track.’

‘Most couples resume their sex lives with no trouble,’ says Gladeana. ‘Once the woman’s body has recovered from the birth, they’re off! However, there can be problems when the man wants to get back to having sex before his partner is ready. Remember, he hasn’t had to go through the same physical adjustments that she has. And when one partner wants something the other doesn’t, it can lead to tension.’

‘I felt rejected’

David Jarvis, 36, from Teddington, Middlesex, admits that he felt rejected by his wife Izzie, 30, after their baby Joshua was born five months ago. ‘I couldn’t wait to have sex again – it had been a long time!’ says David. ‘But Izzie was always too tired or too sore. The time was never right.

All I could do was try to be patient, take cold showers and stop being a sex pest! I suppose, in retrospect, we should have talked it over. But with Joshua needing attention 24/7, there never seemed to be any time for the two of us.’

Talking about your sexual feelings after you become parents is vital, says Gladeana. ‘Nothing is easy with a newborn, but if you don’t make time to talk, your relationship could end up on the rocks,’ she warns.

‘Try to make one “date” every week. You don’t have to go out. Wait until the baby’s asleep, turn off the TV, get a takeaway, open a bottle of wine and dine by candlelight. Talk about how you feel, and what you want and need from each other.’

‘I felt too tired for sex’

Of course, sex isn’t an issue for all men. Chris reckons it was low on his list of priorities after Jo was born. ‘When you are awake most of the night with a crying baby, you’re permanently knackered,’ he says.

‘For the first few months, sleep was definitely preferable to sex for both of us! Besides, there’s nothing like the sound of little snores coming from the cot beside you to dampen your libido!’

So, did any dads feel jealous that their baby was getting all the attention from their partner?

‘I’ve never felt jealous of baby Jo,’ says Chris. ‘Overwhelmed, yes, but never jealous. You hear about men getting frustrated that their baby has unrestricted access to their partner’s boobs and they don’t – but as far as I’m concerned, Angela’s breasts are Jo’s dinner. It couldn’t be more natural.’

‘I found the key to avoiding jealousy was to get more involved,’ says Adam. ‘Do as much as you can to help out and bond with your baby. I think it’s only those men who go off to the pub and leave their partner to get on with it who end up feeling jealous.’

Things they are a-changin’

Chris, David and Adam all admit that their sex lives will probably never get back to exactly what they were before the baby arrived. ‘Once you become a dad, your child becomes more important than your sexual urges,’ Chris says. ‘The world becomes less about you and your partner, and more about your baby.’ 

That may be all well and good. But are new dads more likely to drift off and have an affair because of their restricted sex life? ‘Only a very small percentage can’t cope without sex and look elsewhere,’ says Gladeana.

‘But the fact is that these guys probably already had problems with their relationship. Remember, men and women have been having babies for hundreds of thousands of years. It’s a transitional phase. The thing is not to get too hung up about it.’

Our survey said…

It’s fair to say that you can expect your sex life to take a tumble when you’ve just had a baby. According to an M&B survey on motherandbabymagazine.com, six out of 10 new parents only have sex 1-4 times a month, compared to 5-10 or more times a month before they became parents.

An overwhelming eight out of 10 of people cited tiredness for this decrease, followed by ‘not enough time’ and ‘I’m not interested’.

One respondent wrote, ‘My daughter is now over a year old, and I can count on one hand the number of times my husband and I have made love.’ Another said, ‘Sex will never be the same for me. My privates no longer seem like a sexual thing, but where the baby came out from.’

However, more than half (59%) of respondents said it only took between a few weeks and two months for them to resume having sex again.

Women’s pregnancy worries were also included in the survey. 57% of pregnant women said they were concerned they’d be too sore for sex after their baby was born, closely followed by 54% who were worried they’d be too tired. And 57% said that their partner’s biggest worry was that all their attention would be focused on the baby.

To the question, ‘Did you ever worry that your partner may be unfaithful while you were pregnant?’ three out of four women said ‘no’.

And baby makes three...

Worried about having sex with your partner while she’s pregnant? Many men report that hormonal changes actually make their partners feel sexier than ever, and the need to become more imaginative with positions as the pregnancy advances can be a real turn-on.

However, there are those who find the presence of the unborn baby distracting. ‘Having seen our baby on a scan, I found it hard to have sex,’ said Chris Harris. ‘Not with the baby lying there in the womb, watching us! It was just too weird...’