Sex after birth? Relight your fire!

Sex after childbirth will probably seem frightening, painful, anything but sexy. But take it slowly and gently and it'll actually be pleasurable! 

Sex - you must be kidding!

You’ve just given birth, a sturdy nursing bra has replaced your lacy undies, and your boudoir has turned into a nursery. To top it all, you’re tired, emotionally drained and absorbed in your gorgeous baby. Given your new responsibilities as a mum, the demands being made on your time and emotions - not to mention your physical discomfort, do you really want or need to have sex right now?

Yes! says sexual and relationship therapist Margaret Ramage. ‘Having a baby is one of the most intense emotional experiences you will ever have with your partner. Maintaining a close relationship helps you to hold on to that bond.’ But even if your love life was legendary before your baby’s arrival, it’s important to recognise that things will be different now. ‘Having children stresses a relationship, but gentle sex can be healing and restorative,' explains Margaret Ramage. ‘It's going to be different, but can still be as satisfying.’

Are you ready yet?

The best time to start having sex again is when you and your partner both feel ready. The chances are that it won’t be until any stitches have healed and physical discomfort from giving birth has eased. It’s usual to wait until your six-week check with your GP or, at the least, until your lochia (the flow of blood you experience after labour) has stopped, which can take at least three weeks.

Research shows that most couples resume sexual intercourse within three months, but they tend to make love less often than in their pre-parenting days. ‘Many women don’t want to have sex for up to a year after birth. Tiredness and the fact that both your body and your priorities have changed make it hard to feel desire in the way you used to,’ suggests Margaret Ramage.

What's the problem...

When sex after birth seems daunting it’s usually to do with at least one of the following reasons. But no problem lasts forever, and most improve in a matter of weeks:

* Stitches in your perineum These stitches (in the skin between your vagina and anus) should heal within six weeks. If you want to try making love at or before this time, take it gently.

* Tender breasts If you are worried that things will feel sore at first, tell your partner about your worries, and he’s likely to be more understanding and gentle. Choose positions where your partner’s weight is not pressing on them, or on any other painful areas.

* Perineal pain Pelvic floor exercises will do wonders in helping to repair your perineum and toning the muscles of your vagina, which may feel loose after the birth. If any pain persists, see your GP.

* Vaginal dryness This is to do with hormones, tiredness, tension and listening out for your baby's cries! It's quite common, even when you feel sexually aroused, and can last for as long as six months. Try a simple lubricant such as KY Jelly (from your local chemist).

* Tiredness Packed days and frequent night feeds can leave you feeling exhausted, but when you’re tired and irritable, it can be very relaxing to be held and stroked.

* Depression Lack of interest in sex is a key feature of depression, but one that will vanish when your depression lifts. Speak to your GP or health visitor about getting help if you are feeling miserable or unhappy.

* Infection If sex is painful, stop and try again in a couple of days. If it is still painful, it may be due to an infection, which can be cleared with a course of antibiotics.

* Backache If back pain continues after birth it may be due to strained ligaments. These stay soft for at least six weeks after the birth, during which time they are more vulnerable to damage, so take it easy and avoid any sexual acrobatics for now!

Five top tips for pumping up the passion

1. Forget about the vacumning and dusting, and make some special time to spend together as a couple. Better still, take advantage of grannies, aunties and trustworthy friends, so you can have some adult time together.

2. If you’re simply too exhausted for sex, try to enjoy some gentle touching - on the understanding that you will only go as far as feels comfortable. You may be surprised to discover yourself getting in the mood after all.

3. Don’t put up with uncomfortable intercourse because you feel it is your duty. Your partner wants to feel loved. ‘But he can also accept that kissing and cuddling doesn’t have to lead to intercourse - as long as you talk about what you both want and need,’ explains Margaret Ramage. So make your first sessions exploratory, only taking things as far as feels comfortable.

4. Take pride in your body. Remember that even though your body is different from the last time you made love, your partner is unlikely to be bothered by the changes. ‘Men in general are not put off by stretchmarks or weight problems, and if he says he fancies you he means it - whatever you may think of your body,’ says Margaret Ramage.

5. Focus on foreplay. Intercourse isn’t the only way to be intimate and you can build up your desire through foreplay, touching, caressing, having a bath or shower together, or enjoying a relaxing massage when your baby is asleep. Use essential oils that have aphrodisiac properties - such as sandalwood or ylang ylang - to stoke your passion.

Be warned

The fact that you’re breastfeeding or that your periods haven’t started again isn’t guaranteed protection against pregnancy. See your GP for contraceptive advice.

Further information

* Relate, tel: 01788 573241 for your local office

* Is There Sex After Childbirth? by Juliet Rix (Thorsons, about £7.99). Available on www.amazon.co.uk