Sex during and after pregnancy

Having a baby changes everything – your waistline, your social life and, not least of all, your relationship. We’ve got everything you need to know about sex (both with a bump and after your baby’s born) to help you keep the spark alive

Getting down to it

You may have a bump so big it makes touching your toes tricky and getting off the sofa almost impossible, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have enjoyable sex right up until you give birth

Before we go any further let’s get one thing straight: for the majority of women it is safe to have sex throughout your pregnancy, so you can stop worrying about harming your unborn baby.

For many mums-to-be, though, sex is the last thing on your mind – morning sickness, tiredness and a bulging bump, coupled with anxiety about hurting your baby, isn’t a great recipe for feeling sexy.

But whether you’re feeling fat or fruity, remember your reaction to the prospect of sex is completely normal.

Safe and sound

Do you worry about what happens to your growing baby while you’re having fun between the sheets? Let’s put your mind at rest. As long as your pregnancy isn’t considered high-risk, your baby is perfectly safe when you have sex.

She’s well protected inside a sac of amniotic fluid within your uterus, which is sealed off by a thick mucus plug in your cervix, a safe distance from your vagina. So you can rest assured baby won’t feel a thing during sex.

If she’s almost due and her head is engaged, though, you may find it more comfortable to avoid positions that allow deep penetration.

The only times you might be warned to avoid sex are if you have threatened premature labour, have previously had a miscarriage, have a low-lying placenta or if you’re carrying twins.

Always talk to your midwife if you notice any bleeding during or after sex, or if you feel any pain. And although oral sex is safe, your partner should avoid blowing into your vagina – the air could enter your bloodstream and might cause an infection, which could be dangerous for your baby.

Resume the position

As your bump grows, you may find certain positions become uncomfortable. If you’re still keen to give rumpy pumpy with a bump a go, you could try ‘spoons’ (lying on your sides with him scooped in behind you), doggy style, you on top and him sitting on a chair with you on his lap.

‘Towards the end of pregnancy I was pretty huge, so we found it easier to lie sideways in the spoons position,’ says Vicky Horton, mum to Elizabeth, two months.

‘If we tried something and it felt uncomfortable we’d just try a different way – once I’d managed to heave myself into a new position, that is! It certainly helped us to keep a sense of humour.’

Super-sexy mama

The great news is you may well begin to feel more up for sex than usual during pregnancy. Extra blood circulates around your body, which swells your vagina, labia and clitoris, making you more easily aroused. With the added bonus of larger breasts and more sensitive nipples, it’s no surprise you’re feeling hot!

And as your body is producing as much oestrogen (your sex hormone) in one day of pregnancy as it does normally in three years, it’s not uncommon to have saucy dreams or thoughts during pregnancy, either.

With all those hormones floating around, it’s no wonder your nocturnal imagination has gone into overdrive!

Alice Houghton, mum to Ollie, six months, says, ‘I felt so much more attractive when I was pregnant, and having bigger breasts than usual was an added bonus; I was always initiating sex and I never do normally. My hubby couldn’t believe his luck!’

It’s also quite likely that your orgasms will be even better than before, mainly because of all those new super-sensitive parts of your body. Your baby could even benefit, too – your uterus will contract during and after an orgasm and she will enjoy the rocking sensation caused by the contractions, as well as get a boost from the feel-good hormones produced by your body.

Big and beautiful

Even towards the end of your pregnancy, although sex may be tricky (and probably quite comical!) it’s certainly not impossible. Use extra pillows to support your bump, and avoid any antics that put weight on your abdomen or are deeply penetrative.

And if you go past your due date, don’t just opt for a hot curry and a long walk! Although an early night with your partner may be the very last thing on your mind, it could help to trigger labour.

The prostaglandin contained in semen can actually cause the uterus to contract, which has been known get things started – and it’s certainly more pleasant than raspberry leaf tea! Remember never to make love if your waters have broken, though, as then there is a risk of infection to your baby.

Not tonight, dear

The extra blood pumping round your nether regions is all very well, but what if a cuppa and a biscuit is more appealing than a tumble between the sheets? Believe us, you’re not the only one who feels like this.

‘My partner and I have always had a pretty good sex life. But once I was six weeks pregnant with Holly I developed morning sickness and couldn’t even open the fridge without throwing up. After the morning sickness subsided I got sciatica, so we barely had sex till after Holly was born. But we’ve made up for it since!’

There’s nothing that says you and your partner can’t still have fun, though, even if you don’t feel up to full sex. ‘What’s most important is that you continue to be affectionate towards each other,’ says M&B’s relationship expert, Gladeana McMahon.

‘Enjoy whatever sexual activity you can, but don’t put yourself under any pressure. And if you’re worried about what you look like, don’t be – most men find their partner extremely attractive when they’re pregnant.’

If you just don’t fancy sex, why not just try stroking, cuddling, massage, mutual stimulation or oral sex? You never know, a sensual massage from your other half and one thing could lead to another. And remember: you won’t be pregnant forever, so remind your partner that full service can resume after the birth!

Three doesn’t have to be a crowd

Now you’ve got a little one, are you struggling to get back to your pre-baby bedroom antics and feeling more earth mother than sex kitten? You’re not the only one. Three mums share their worries with M&B’s relationship expert

You and your partner both thought having a baby would bring you closer together and in many ways it has. But there’s someone coming between you, someone with 10 cute little toes, a dribbling habit and an addiction to milk!

If you feel like something’s got to give and it’s your relationship that’s bearing the brunt, rest assured you’re not alone. Most parents find their love life takes a hit during the first six months to a year after birth. But all is not lost, as our relationship expert Gladeana McMahon can confirm.

‘I keep saying no’

‘Since our baby was born five months ago my sex drive has dwindled, while my husband seems to be hornier than ever. I feel so tired and frumpy all the time but I find it really difficult to talk about how I feel.

I’m guilty about saying no to sex and I’m starting to worry that my husband will go off me and find someone else.’ Lesley Haynes, mum to Freya, five months

If you’re feeling… guilty

‘Sex is about more than just engaging in sexual intercourse,’ says Gladeana. ‘Get creative to make sure your partner doesn’t become sexually frustrated.

It’s also important that you talk to him and explain your lack of interest in sex doesn’t mean you’ve lost interest in him. Often, worrying about sex and feeling guilty are turn-offs in themselves, so the more you worry the less likely you’ll want to have sex.

Take the pressure off yourself and, with time, your sex life is more likely to return to normal. But remember your partner isn’t telepathic, so if you don't tell him how you feel, he won't know what’s going on and he won’t be able to help you.’

‘I’ve lost my sex drive’

‘I didn’t have an easy time during labour and it took a long time for my stitches to heal. At first I was so nervous about having sex that I avoided it as much as possible. We’ve only had sex four times since I gave birth and I no longer miss it.

I’m so tired all the time and my body just isn’t what it used to be, so getting fruity is the last thing on my mind. My husband doesn’t understand how I feel and the more he tries to persuade me, the less I want to do it. I’m starting to wonder if my libido will ever return.’ Sharon Daniels, 31, mum to Thomas, six months
 
If you’re feeling… disinterested

‘It’s quite common for a woman to lose her sex drive after giving birth,’ says Gladeana. ‘Adjusting to a new role, sleepless nights and hormonal changes all play their part.

For some women it’s just a passing phase, but for others it can turn into a more permanent loss of libido. When you cease sexual activity you can also 'train' yourself out of wanting sex as you get used to living without it.

It’s important to see this loss as natural and not add undue emotional pressure on yourself. But it’s also essential that you don’t fall into the trap of learning to live without sex.

Physical contact is vital; make time to cuddle your partner, have a bath together or massage each other. Sex isn't just about intercourse, so engaging in foreplay even if it doesn’t lead to full-on sex will ensure your sex drive will return with time.

If your libido doesn’t return within six months of giving birth, visit your GP to ensure there isn’t an underlying physical reason.’

‘I don’t have time for sex’

‘I’ve felt like a different person since I gave birth four months ago. My life has become an endless cycle of breastfeeding, nappy changing and housework. I absolutely love being a mum, but it’s such a big job that I just don’t have time for sex.

I know that my husband would love to spend some quality time together once Lily is in bed, but I’m so tired by then, all I can think about is sleep.’ Natalie Morrison, mum to Lily, four months

If you’re feeling… pushed for time

‘You may not have as much time for sex as you used to, but the time is there – you just need to find it,’ says Gladeana. ‘No one ever died for not washing the kitchen floor, so give up on some of the expectations you hold of yourself and use this time to have an early night with your partner instead.

The longer you deny yourself sex, the more likely it is that your libido will lessen. You may be a mum now, but you’re still a woman too and if you deny yourself the pleasure of sex, you’re likely to become resentful over time.

Sex is one of the most emotional ways you can bond with your partner and you owe it to your relationship to create time for it. You may not have sex as often as you used to, but it’s quality not quantity that counts.’

Does he still fancy you with stretch marks? Real dads confess…

’My wife Jenny was really confident about her body before she had Tilly, but now she’s so self-conscious, especially about her belly and boobs. Nothing I say or do can convince her that I love her new shape and our sex life is really suffering as a result.

I actually feel closer to her now than ever before – she’s not only the mother of my child, but a beautiful, sexy woman; I just wish she’d believe it.’ Mark Jacobson, 34, dad to Tilly, six months

‘I couldn’t wait to get our sex life back on track after Jacob was born. But I really underestimated how tired we’d feel with a newborn to look after – half the time neither of us can stay awake long enough for a cuddle, let alone anything else!

Since getting Jacob into a routine, my wife Frances and I have started dedicating one night a week to each other and our sex life is slowly but surely getting back on track.’ James Calderwood, 31, dad to Jacob, four months

‘I’ve never felt jealous of the twins. Yes, my partner devotes most of her time to them nowadays, but by getting as involved as possible I’ve avoided the whole jealousy issue and I think it’s stopped our relationship from suffering as a result.’ Chris Harrison, 29, dad to Molly and Leo, five months

‘My mates all talk about how sexually frustrated they are since becoming dads, but I feel completely the opposite. I love my wife dearly and I watched her give birth from the business end. It’s an image I certainly won’t forget, but I find it’s helped me understand why she’s not interested right now.

I know we’ll get up close and personal again, it’s just going to take a while.’ Ben James, 28, dad to Jasmine, nine weeks
 
‘I love Luke to bits, but if I’m honest I do occasionally resent the amount of time he demands of my wife. Our lives have changed forever and I can’t help missing the spontaneity – especially in the bedroom.’ Paul Cohen, 27, dad to Luke, 16 weeks

Post-birth sex facts

• It can take up to two years for your body to return to its pre-pregnancy condition – and that goes for your sex drive, too.

• You’ll be advised against having full intercourse until after your six-week postnatal check-up. But research shows your cervix closes within two weeks of giving birth so, as long as you feel ready, any episiotomy stitches have healed and any red bleeding has stopped, it should be OK to have sex before this.

• If you’ve had significant blood loss, postpartum fever or infection, or had a severe episiotomy, you may be advised to wait a little longer, to make sure everything has healed correctly.

• Do not indulge in oral sex for the first few weeks after you’ve given birth – there’s a risk of infection and if air enters your uterus it can lead to a potentially fatal embolism.

• If you’re not breastfeeding your periods will return from around six weeks after the birth, but if you are it could take much longer. Don’t rely on the fact that you’re breastfeeding to provide contraceptive protection; it should be discussed with you at your six-week check.

Real mums reveal how they got their bedroom activity back on track…

‘Tell your partner how you feel. Talking about your fears or lack of interest in sex can be really daunting but you’ll feel so much better when you’ve got it off your chest. It will really help your partner to understand and maybe you can devise an action plan together.’ Gemma Dawson, mum to Callie, three, and Jake, eight months

‘If you’re worried about feeling uncomfortable during sex, experiment until you find a position you’re more confident with. If it’s your post-baby body you’re anxious about, treat yourself to some sexy new undies or nightwear, it might help you feel foxy again.’ Jade Jackson, mum to Ruby, seven months

‘If worrying about leaky nipples is putting you off sex, tell your partner. If he doesn’t know the reason why you’re avoiding sex he’ll start to feel rejected. Likewise, don’t agree to have sex if you really don’t feel like it – you’ll end up resenting your partner, while he’ll feel dejected and even more frustrated.’ Jo Peters, mum to Corey, two, and Milo, eight weeks

‘There are other ways to keep the fires burning until you’re ready to resume your sex-life – showering your partner with plenty of kisses, cuddles and massages should stop him from feeling rejected. If you show him plenty of love and affection, he’ll be less likely to force the issue.’ Jessica Cameron, mum to Mabel, one

Our survey says…

We asked the mums on motherandbabymagazine.com to bare all about their sex lives. Here’s what you told us.

• Six out of 10 new parents only have sex one to four times a month. That compares to between five and 10 times a month before their bundle of joy put in an appearance.

• Eight out of 10 mums blame sleep deprivation for their lacklustre libido, closely followed by ‘not enough time’ and ‘just not interested’.

• The good news is more than half (59%) of you said it only took three to six weeks for you to start having sex again after your baby was born

Baby-proof your relationship

1. Talk about it

Don’t keep your feelings bottled up. Your partner might even feel the same way too, so book a time for ‘the chat’ and stick to it.

2. Listen

Try to see things from his point of view and don’t compete over who’s the most tired or has had the worst day – you’re in this together.

3. Be kind

Don’t blame or use critical language. Sleep deprivation leaves you physically and emotionally drained and it can be easy to lash out.

4. Manage your expectations Don’t expect to take up your pre-baby sex life where you left off – being a new parent is tough and wanting perfection is a recipe for disappointment.

5. Stay connected Set aside some time just the two of you. Even if it’s just an hour for a cuddle on the sofa, you’ll feel closer afterwards.