Your sex life after having children

Many couples find it hard to re-establish their sex life after having children. Take Kate and Paul, for example…

Meet the couple

Kate is 30 and a full-time mum to Luke, 3, and Kate, 18 months. Paul, 31, is a personal finance consultant. They’ve been married for five years, and during the early years of their marriage, sex was an enjoyable part of their relationship. ‘I wouldn’t say it was ever the most important thing, but we made love quite often - certainly once a week or more - and it was lots of fun,’ says Kate.

After the birth of their son Luke, now three, Kate and Paul resumed their sex life within six or seven months. They made love less often than before, but sex continued to be important.

What’s the problem?

Their relationship changed around 18 months ago, when their daughter Phoebe arrived. ‘We enjoyed a very healthy sex life during my pregnancy - in fact in late pregnancy my libido was high, and we had sex several times a week,’ says Kate. ‘After Phoebe was born, I knew sex would take a back seat for a while, as it had after Luke arrived. But things have never got back to normal.

‘We’ve only made love a handful of times in the past year, and I’m beginning to wonder whether we’ll ever have a normal sex life again. It’s ironic really, because we both think Phoebe will be our last child, so I thought life would settle down again and sex would be the same as it was before we had children.

‘It’s not that Paul and I don’t love each other. Having two small children can make things quite tense between us sometimes, but we still cuddle and kiss from time to time. But we’re so exhausted that most nights we fall asleep the moment our heads touch the pillow.’

What’s more, Kate says she sometimes feels “all cuddled out”. ‘I spend all day cuddling Luke and Phoebe, and when they finally go to sleep at night the last thing I want is someone else making physical demands of me. I just want my body back to myself, really.’

What the expert says

According to relationship counsellor Julia Cole, author of Crunch Points For Couples (Sheldon Press, £6.99), Kate and Paul’s situation isn’t at all unusual. ‘Looking after small children is one of the most tiring jobs in the world, so it’s natural that Kate and Paul are too tired for sex most of the time,’ she says.

‘Also, what Kate is describing about feeling “all cuddled out” isn’t unusual - research shows that men and women have different needs from sex, and for women it’s more about touch and cuddles. So for some women, like Kate, the intimacy and closeness she has with her baby has reduced her libido - but it won’t be a permanent thing.’

The fact that Kate and Paul feel their family is now complete could, says Julia, have a subconscious effect on their sex life. ‘At the end of the day sex is about procreation, and when you’ve had a phase of trying to do this, perhaps you have to reassess things when sex becomes recreational again,’ she says.

Where do they go from here?

Julia has three suggestions to help Kate and Paul. She says they should:

Talk about how they feel

‘I can understand why couples worry about sex if it isn’t as frequent as it used to be, but as a relationship counsellor I worry far more about couples who aren’t tender towards one another than I do about couples who aren’t having a lot of sex,’ she says. ‘What matters is staying close, and keeping the channels of communication open. So Kate and Paul must carry on talking, telling one another how they feel, staying in touch with one another’s feelings - that’s crucial.’

Book uninterrupted time to be intimate together

‘I know it doesn’t sound very romantic to book a time to have sex, but when you’ve got small children it can be the most effective way of ensuring you have time to yourselves,’ says Julia. ‘Try to find a time when you won’t have interruptions or be tired - maybe when the kids are having a daytime nap at the weekend. And don’t feel you’ve got to have intercourse when you do find time to be alone - this is more about finding time for affection and closeness. And if you can arrange it, think about having a night or two away from the children - a weekend to yourselves could make a huge difference and remind you of your life together as a couple.’

Remember that things will get easier

‘Having small children is a difficult stage in any couple’s life, but it doesn’t go on forever,’ says Julia. ‘Keep your affection for one another alive, keep your sense of humour, and believe in things getting easier - because they will. You’ve got to develop a new sexual relationship now you are parents, and you will. You’ve got years and years ahead of you to enjoy it in!’