I felt like killing my baby

Having had a straight forward birth with my son I couldn't wait to conceive again. When Ace (my son) was 11 months old I was lucky enough to get pregnant again.

When I went for my 12 weeks scan and I was told that my baby was due on xmas day - which funny enough was my husbands birthday! However, the pregnancy was not straight forward.

At 5 months old I got told my baby was not meeting his/her target weight on my pregnancy green notes, so every week I had to go to the hospital for check ups and every other weeks for a scan.

I was quite concerned about this so I spoke to the stand-in consultant who said they were doing the checks to check the baby wasn't grossly retarded. All this added to wanting to have the baby for xmas.

All through my pregnancy I was unhappy - it was nothing like my 1st pregnancy. Through that one I was excited and couldnt wait, but this one seemed strange although I couldn't pin point the problem.

Christmas day came and went. I remember feeling really low and crying. Then at last New Years Eve morning came and the contractions came on. My sister rushed to Argos and bought me an exercise ball to get the contractions coming regularly and strong - which worked.

At 6.00pm I went to hospital and at 7.05pm they broke my waters. At 7.20pm baby Kitty Boo was born weighing 7lb 2oz. I should have felt joy but in reality I couldnt wait to get her off me.

I breastfed her but hated every minute. At 9.45pm I was discharged home. Looking back it was all too quick. I came home and tried to get back into my routines but something was troubling me but couldnt pin point a problem (again).

And when Kitty was 9 weeks old I had a total breakdown - it was so out of the blue. I tried to keep it from everyone for a week but it nearly killed me. The last straw was when I got up in the morning and my husband was at work and I couldnt physically pick Kitty up, she made me feel sick.

I couldn't do everyday jobs like washing her bottled up. I paniced and rang my sister who came to me straight away. Just by looking at me she knew there was a serious problem. I went straight to my GPs who realised I had Post Natal Depression. They put me on antidepressants. It got tough before it got better.

I had many thoughts of killing Kitty and then me. I also couldn't stand the smell of her. The thoughts are so random that you convince yourself you're going mad. My husband, sister and mom helped me so much. Without their support I do not think I would be here today.

But now Kitty is 8 months old and I cannot believe I was ever like that. It's little steps that make me realise I am getting better. Like I said to Jason (my hubby) last week "I dont mind the smell of her!". That is the first time I have enjoyed smelling her.

Things like that make me feel more and more happy a I know I am getting better. So do not despair there is help out there. Please help yourself - I did and I am coping - just about!