Inventions new mums would really like to see

1. A pushchair with an adult-sized buggy board, so you can scoot along the pavements at top speed. Oh, don’t pretend you haven’t had a go on your toddler’s when no one’s looking… 

2. A wet-wipe dispenser that your baby can wear like a little backpack, so you don’t have to scrabble round in your bag for them every five minutes.

3. An alarm that new parents can plug in before having guests round, and which beeps if either of them uses the words ‘his ickle face’, ‘so advanced’, or ‘perineal massage’.

4. A raincover for the pushchair that goes over baby AND you. It may not be very chic, but it will look a lot cooler than trying to steer the pushchair with your elbows while clutching an umbrella.

5. Dummies with elastic bands attached, that you could hook over your baby’s ears so he can’t drop them in the night. Or bottles like the ones you get in hamster’s cages, which you could secure to the sides of the cot.

6. Embarrassment-saving blackout goggles you can hand out to your dad or your male friends when you need to breastfeed in front of them

7. A birthing pool with a water slide, wave machine and poolside cocktail bar. Okay, it might not take YOUR mind off labour, but it will make it a whole lot more fun for your partner

8. A steam steriliser that tells you if you’ve forgotten to put the water in -  nothing worse than going to retrieve your plastic breast pump after a sleepless night and finding it in a melted heap.

9. A ray gun you can use on anyone who says, ‘Oh, the baby weight just FELL off…’, which makes their bum blow up to the size of an ocean liner

10. A chart for new mums showing all the colours and consistencies of a baby’s poo, ranging from ‘Meconium Black’ to ‘Just-tried-peas Green’. It would save all those frantic phone late-night phone calls to friends (‘It’s bright yellow! Is this normal?!’)

11. Baby toys that don’t bark, quack, moo, jingle, tinkle, or play ‘You Are My Sunshine’ at 75mph when you tread on them in the dark.

And six products to improve your pregnancy…

1. A maternity jumper that emits a tiny electronic scream when complete strangers come up and stroke your belly

2. A bed with a bump-sized hole in it, so you can sleep on your front.

3. Flash cards that you can point to during contractions that say things like, ‘Massage my back, please’, ‘Gas and air, now!’, ‘I AM pushing, my darling,’ and ‘Speak again and you die.’

4. ”In-between” maternity clothes for when you’re too big for your normal jeans, but not big enough for maternity trousers. Wearing the same jogging pants for a week just isn’t a good look.

5. Forget inventing: bring back the chamber pot. When you have to go to the bathroom for a wee at least four times a night, it would save a lot of hassle.

6. Acupressure wristbands for morning sickness in something less butch than grey towelling. After all, you feel lousy enough in the first trimester without being made to look like you’re auditioning for a remake of ‘Rocky’.