Advantages of pregnancy

* Not having to worry about VPL because it’s safely tucked under your armpits. 

* Nine glorious months of pudding every night  - that’s 270 slices of cheesecake, lady.

* Spending lunchtimes buying things that will definitely fit. The baby, that is.

* Having a range of mysterious maladies to call upon when you want to duck out early from duty dinners with your in-laws.

* Finding your eyes glued to any newborn baby you see in a café or the street and thinking I. Am. Having. One. Of. Those! And feeling a bit choked.

* Being ‘forced’ to watch Richard and Judy for, er, the sake of resting your poor puffy feet. Yes, that’s it, your feet.

* Not feeling you have to wade through anything more challenging than The Baby Names Book..

* ..And having a “pregnant porridge brain” excuse for dodging Newsnight or anything else remotely complicated.

* How even the miserable buggers in accounts break into a smile when they see your bump.

* Perfecting couch potato heaven where your belly’s on a pillow and you can reach the Maltesers without moving more than an arm.

* Your partner being contractually obliged to rub your feet whenever you ask.

* Being amazed by foetus facts and telling anyone who’ll listen: “I’m only six weeks gone and already it’s got nostrils!”

* Intending to care about fashion, but ending up just caring about comfort.

* Seeing your baby at the scan and the rush of shock and love that brings a lump to your throat.. and watching daddy going a bit gruff and teary too.

* Not facing the thorny thong or tanga dilemma for verily, they doth belong to another age.

* Friends and rellies springing to their feet and insisting you rest every time you stir to do the washing up/fetch the Hobnobs

* Hours on the phone comparing hair-raising “what the hormones made me do” stories with preggers pals.

* Simply saying, “I’m pregnant!” to cover any bad-tempered moments, cushion-hurling incidents and so forth.

* Stroking your bump in wonder and trying, trying, trying to imagine a little baby in there.

* Avoiding anything remotely hard-hitting on the telly - because it reduces you to blubbering jelly - and sticking to cosy stuff like Heartbeat, Stars in their Eyes and Murder, She Wrote.

* Never having to stand on the bus.

* Trying on exotic celeb baby names for size. After all, there’s never been an Apple Lourdes in your family.

* Never starting Monday on a diet. 

* Being allowed the entire sofa to yourself.

* Winding up your partner by pretending you fully intend to call it Archibald after a solemn promise to an aged uncle.

* Coming over a bit Jennifer Aniston when your hair goes all thick, glossy and gorgeous.

* Sending your partner out into the pouring rain to fetch emergency Haagen-Dazs and Kettle Chips.

* Telling your beloved any old tosh about female plumbing and the mysteries of being pregnant, knowing he’ll believe you.  

* Spending hours happily poring over the Mothercare catalogue, hugging yourself with excitement.