Prepare your relationship for a baby

Dreaming of your imminent arrival, it’s easy to conjure up visions of you and your partner snuggled up in bed, eating croissants and reading the papers, while your precious new bundle sleeps peacefully between you.   

In reality, the chances of it being like that are slim. Yes, you might spend all day in your PJs, but that's only because your not-so-precious bundle has been stuck to your boob all day and you've barely had time for a bite of toast, let alone a continental breakfast 'à trois'.

As for your partner, well, why the hell hasn't he put that load of washing on yet?!

Having a baby is enough to test the best of partnerships – studies have shown that as many as two thirds of couples experience relationship problems after having a baby.

But fear not, because forewarned is forearmed. Read on for our advice from the experts on how to get your relationship ready before the baby arrives.

Enjoy the time you have now

Chances are, until you become a parent, you won’t have realised how valuable your time together as a couple really is. The trick is to spend as much of it together now as you can. 

Whether it’s a final fling-style holiday away or just making the effort to do al l the things that will become more difficult once you’re a threesome – trips to the cinema, long lingering lunches – spend your time now wisely.

‘I got so annoyed with John during pregnancy because I was beside myself with excitement about choosing all the baby gear and he was totally non-plussed,’ says Lucy Wainwright, mum to Phoebe, six weeks. ‘I wish I hadn't wasted that time getting so stressed about it.’

Respect each other’s differences

It's worth acknowledging now that you'll react to becoming parents differently, says Cathy O'Neill, co-author of Babyproofing Your Marriage (Collins, £10.99).

While coochy-cooing at the 0-3 months shelf in Mothercare may be your idea of Saturday afternoon heaven, it could be hell on earth for your man. Yet that doesn't mean he won't bond with your baby in lots of other ways.

Iron out any existing problems

Using a baby as relationship glue is never a wise idea (and one that rarely works!), so if you genuinely believe your relationship is already in trouble, get professional help before the baby comes.

‘Children themselves are never, ever the problem,’ says Cathy. ‘The problem is how we adults respond to the challenge of parenting.’

Christine Northam, a counselor working for Relate, says it can even be worth attending a few couples counseling sessions now, just to get used to having to talk about awkward issues.

‘Being 100 per cent open and honest with each other isn’t always easy. Why not use your impending arrival as a catalyst for improving your relationship.’  

Plan Ahead 

‘Free time’ runs the risk of becoming nothing but a distant memory once you have a baby. But, Cathy warns, ‘When we stop doing the things that recharge us – exercise, time with friends, reading – we get testy and become damn difficult to live with.’

Chatting now about how you’re going to help each other ‘have it all’ is key. ‘Come up with some plans for when the baby arrives, such as how you'll divide the night feeds,’ advises Cathy. But also  try making a list of the activities you enjoy most, then figure out a rough time-off schedule for both of you. That way you’ll both get a chance to recharge those batteries.

‘My husband and I have come to an arrangement where if he wants to have a night out with the boys I won’t grumble and likewise, when he knows I need some retail therapy, he’s very supportive,’ says Kimie Ho, mum to Ewein, one.

Agree on a budget

While expectant mums are happy to shop till they drop in preparation for the new arrival, dads-to-be start to suffer from what Cathy calls, ‘Provider Panic’ - a fear that they won’t be able to provide for their growing family.

By agreeing on a ‘feathering the nest’ budget in advance, you can help allay his financial fears, and at the same time provide yourself with a (very necessary!) limit for your pregnant shopping sprees.

Hired help

Employing a cleaner can be one of the best things you can do for your relationship, at least at first, and will be worth every penny.

‘You should be putting your feet up at every opportunity, not running around trying to keep the house clean,’ says Cathy. ‘And, ideally, he should be rubbing those feet, not doing the washing up.’

In fact, getting help of any kind is something you need to plan for from the beginning. As Christine says, ‘Being a parent is the most important job you’ll ever do and you’ve had absolutely no training for it. Accept help whenever you can.’

Cathy recommends a babysitter – ‘it isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity.’ So while your instinct may be telling you not to let your baby out of your sight, putting a little distance between you and newborn can be a relationship saver, at least once in a while.

‘In those very early days, when we simply couldn’t get out of the house alone together, once a week we had a designated take-away or ready-meal night, where neither of us cooked,’ says Rosie Welland, mum to Hope, 18 months. ‘It really helped us relax.’

Your sex life (or lack of!)

You may as well both prepare yourself now for the sexual drought that follows a baby, but it’s worth putting a positive spin on it. Telling your partner that there are things he can do to help coax it back will help both of you.

Cathy suggests reminding him that if he keeps making a romantic effort, and does his fair share of the baby and house related work, then you’ll have energy left over for him.

Why not try budgeting for a weekend away when the baby is about three months old. Getting away for a night will help you both to reconnect… it’ll also give him something to look forward to!

Cathy also says now is the time to promise each other you won’t forget about the ‘SGIs - small gestures of intimacy like hugging, kissing and handholding. Just because one of you isn’t up for sex doesn’t mean all physical affection should stop.’ 

Tackle the grandparents issue

If your mother-in-law is as welcome a houseguest as a rattlesnake, the time to sort it out is now. The in-law/grandparent minefield can derail even the most stable of relationships. Whether it’s ‘Turf Infringement’ (when grandparents overstep the involvement mark) or ‘The Clash of the Grannies’, (enough said!) you can both end up being piggy in the middle.

‘We discussed how involved we thought the grandparents would be but not what
they'd be called,’ says Elizabeth Dymond, mum to Millie, three, and Jacob, 14 months. ‘It resulted in outright war between our parents and step-parents who all wanted the same special titles.’

Yet it’s also worth remembering that grandparents are a blessing. Not only will they love your children as much as you do, they’re also likely to be a huge practical help.

And finally… Expect problems

Having a baby is the ultimate paradox, being all at once the happiest time of our lives, but also the most scary and confusing. Some couples may sail through, but ‘these couples are unusual and should be packed off to a desert island so that they don’t make the rest of us look bad!’ says Cathy.

Instead, it’s worth remembering that two thirds of us experience some stresses on our relationship as we make the transition to parenthood. 

‘Expect plenty of arguments during the first few months and don’t even think about analysing them.’ warns Cathy. ‘Remember, a couple with a baby are essentially two people treading water trying to survive.’

It doesn’t mean you should ignore any areas of conflict forever, but waiting for your hormones to calm down/till you’re not driven half crazy through lack of sleep, can help you gain some perspective.

Help for you

Babyproofing Your Marriage by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill and Julia Stone, £10.99, Collins
Baby Shock! Your Relationship Survival Guide by Elizabeth Martin, £7.99, Relate
Relate – The Relationship People, 0845 456 1310, relate.org.uk
Christine Northam, christinenorthamcounselling.co.uk
Motherandbabymagazine.com – a good source for all preg/birth info