Are you speaking my language?

If you’re fed up with everything you say going in one little ear and out of the other, here are our seven secrets for getting through to your toddler  

Talking to your toddler can be like banging your head against a brick wall. The combination of a lack of understanding, a short attention span and a will of iron can make getting through to him nigh on impossible – sometimes you’d swear he simply can’t hear you at all.

But there are times when it’s essential that your tot listens to you, for his safety and wellbeing, not to mention your sanity. So how do you get him to take notice? Follow our seven-point strategy and you’ll be speaking the same language in no time.

1. Don’t dictate – negotiate

If someone told you that you had to have a tuna sandwich for lunch when you really wanted a cheese one, would you be happy? Probably not. The same applies to toddlers – they respond better to choices than to orders.

‘If you want your toddler to pay attention, ask questions that give him a couple of fixed options,’ says Clare Geleard, head of early years at communication charity I CAN. ‘Don’t just tell him to drink his milk – ask him if he’d prefer milk or juice. Not only does it give him some choice, but it also helps his language development, because you’re encouraging him to make a verbal decision.’

Be wary of giving him too much choice, though, as this can be confusing – tell him he can have any drink he likes, and he’ll be deliberating for the next hour!

2. Say his name

Ever noticed how telesales people always call you by your first name? It’s because research shows that using someone’s name is a sure-fire way of getting them to sit up and take notice.

‘There’s nothing more personal than saying your toddler’s name,’ explains Clare. ‘It’s the best way to get his attention.’ And we’re not just talking about yelling his name across the park when it’s time to leave, either. Try it at home, when he’s filtering out everything you’re saying – make eye contact, say his name clearly, and he’ll tune his toddler radar to Mummy in no time.

3. Let your body do the talking

It’s not easy having a conversation with someone much taller or shorter than you. So imagine how it feels for your toddler, whose eye line is somewhere around your knees.

When you want to get through to him, squat down to his level and look him in the eyes, suggests Clare. ‘There’s also evidence that the best way to get a child’s attention is by touching him, so gently touch his elbow, or even give him a cuddle,’ she adds. ‘It’ll encourage him to look at you and focus on what you’re saying.’ The warm, fuzzy feeling you’ll both get is an added bonus.

4. Praise where praise is due

When your toddler has spent all day throwing food, pulling the cat’s tail and unravelling every loo roll in the house, it’s hard not to lose your rag. But if all he hears is nagging, he’ll filter you out – and who can blame him?

‘Rather than criticising bad behaviour, reinforce good behaviour with lots of praise,’ suggests Clare. ‘Pick a phrase to use consistently, like “good boy” or “well done” and accompany it with lots of eye contact and a big smile. Praise is rewarding for your toddler, and is guaranteed to get his attention.’

For maximum impact, add an encouraging gesture, so that even if your tot is out of earshot, you can tell him what a little star he is. If he’s on the swings and is thinking about bashing his little friend on the head, a swift thumbs-up from you for playing nicely might just stop him in his tracks.

5. Listen up

All mums are hypocrites. We expect our tots to pay attention to us, but when they need our attention, we send them packing because we’re too busy. But your tot learns by imitation, so if you ignore him, why shouldn’t he ignore you?

‘If you want your toddler to listen to you, you have to listen to him – it’s the biggest rule of communication,’ Clare explains. ‘It’s hard to give him your full attention when the house needs tidying and you’re trying to cook dinner, but those two minutes of your time could be the most rewarding of his day.’

Next time he tries to tell you something, don’t fall into the ‘not now, dear’ trap. Give him five minutes, and he might leave you in peace for 15 – much easier than trying to do those chores with a whinging toddler hanging off your leg.

6. Keep it simple

How often have you told your toddler to finish his drink, put his toys away, wash his hands, fetch his coat and put his shoes on, only to find him exactly where you left him, having achieved precisely nothing? It could be that your orders are just too complicated for him to follow.

‘Children find it difficult to process multi-structured sentences – they can’t remember everything, so they end up doing nothing,’ Clare explains. ‘Don’t ask him to do everything all at once – split things up into simple sentences and let him do one at a time.’

Okay, so it might seem like a long-winded way of doing things, but waiting till he’s finished his drink and washed his hands before asking him to put his coat on will save you a lot of breath in the long run – honest.

7. Create the right environment

There are few things in life more annoying than your partner talking over Desperate Housewives. So is it any surprise that your toddler filters you out when he’s glued to the telly?

‘If we could do one thing as a charity, it would be to switch off everyone’s TV and radio,’ laughs Clare. ‘They’re good things in short bursts, but when children are surrounded by constant noise, it’s very difficult for them to tune into what’s important.’

In other words, you don’t stand a hope of getting his attention when he’s hooked on Tikkabilla. So let him watch his favourite programmes, then turn the box off and hide the remote – you’ll be amazed at how much more receptive he is when you’re not competing with Sarah-Jane and Justin.

Look who’s talking!

Communication is a two-way street, so try these tactics to encourage your tot’s gift of the gab.

• Reading together can be a special part of the day for both of you, so set aside 10 minutes and snuggle up with a book
• Go to the library. Most run free Baby Rhyme Time and Story Time sessions for tots
• Play together, and ask him questions. Getting him to explain the rules of his game or describe the picture he’s painting will boost his communication skills
• Watch TV. Good quality kids’ programmes in small measures are educational and fun. Watch with him so you can talk about what you’ve seen afetrwards
• Sing songs. Repetition helps your little one learn, so the familiar patterns of songs and rhymes will help those words sink in
• Visit talkingpoint.org.uk for age-related fact sheets about boosting your tot’s language skills

Mums’ secrets

‘Apparently toddlers act on the last thing they hear, so instead of saying “Keep off the road” when we’re out walking, I say “Stay on the path”. It works really well – I can’t believe the difference it makes when you word things more positively.’

Melanie Powell, mum to Sean, six, Ellis, four, and Roberta, three

‘We have a “three strikes and you’re out” policy. If Ellie and Maddie don’t listen and act by the third time I ask them to do something, they face the consequences – such as no TV all day. They know that if I say, “I’m not telling you again,” I mean it!’

Louise Lockwood, mum to twins, Ellie and Maddie, three

‘The biggest single improvement in Lauren’s behaviour came when I stopped telling her to do things, and started asking nicely. Now I always say please and thank you, and she’s much more obliging.’

Alison Connell, mum to Lauren, two

‘Niamh and I make up songs about everything – bath time, eating our lunch, washing our hands and getting our shoes on. It turns everyday tasks into games, not chores.’

Aoife Kavanagh, mum to Niamh, 20 months