Are you spoiling your child?

Ok, so you relented yesterday and let him watch Ballamory. Again. And last week you gave in to his demands for Smarties while you were out shopping. A little indulgence once in a while is fine… but could you be spoiling him?

Time bandits

As soon as we have children, the available hours in the day seem to magically constrict, leaving just too few to fulfil our various roles – wife, worker, friend, sister, daughter and, of course, good mum.

So, we try to make up for being time poor other ways. ‘When Bel was two, I had to work long days for a couple of months,’ says Laura Barker, mum to Bel, four. ‘I felt so guilty that, even if I came home late, I’d keep her up and play for a couple of hours.

Of course, she was absolutely knackered and became grumpy and unmanageable. Luckily, my husband got me to see sense and I spent all weekend with her instead.’

Even if you’re a stay-at-home mum, could you actually spoil your toddler by spending too much time with him? Well, not exactly – it’s all about what you do with that time that counts.

‘You definitely can’t spoil children with your love or by spending time with them,’ says child psychologist Dorothy Einon, author of The Baby Development Years ‘but you spoil children by teaching them that the world stops for them when they shout.’ 

Spend as much time with your tot as you possibly can, but occasionally let hmi have some space to figure things out on his own, including the fact that the world doesn’t always revolve around him.

Attention seekers

Things have come a long way from the days of children being ‘seen and not heard.’ These days, your toddler’s the one in the centre of the room, dancing like a dervish to his ‘Tots’ top hits’ CD and demanding everyone’s undivided attention.

Toddlers have an enviable sense of their own importance, and anyone who dares to challenge it risks being rewarded with a Grade-A tantrum. But should Half-Pint’s desire to change to cBeebies while you’re watching the news, or to give you an exciting update on the appearance of his last bowel movement while you’re on the phone, really override your wishes every time?

If your conversations tend to go something like this: ‘So your husband’s left you?’ (‘Yes, that’s a lovely picture, darling’) ‘He was having an affair?’ (‘It’s a cat! What a big blue tail she’s got!’) ‘With the childminder?!’ (‘No, don’t pull Sharon’s hair!’), you’re not alone. The good news is, it’s perfectly normal; the bad news: there’s not much you can do about it.

‘Toddlers have a very short attention span – you have to interact almost constantly,’ says Dorothy, ‘It is possible to say “I’ll be with you in a minute”, but you have to mean it – otherwise he’ll find other ways of getting your attention.’

Try giving him a bit of undivided mummy-time every five minutes – it could mean you get more peace in the long run. But as for having a peaceful, uninterrupted cup of coffee and a gossip, with no demands on your attention? Well, that’ll just have to wait another decade or so…

Material world

Buying your little angel everything his heart desires is an easy trap to fall into. Ultimately, we all want to see our tots happy, and a new toy or DVD is a guaranteed short cut to the desired result.

‘My partner started buying our toddler new toys every weekend. He had so many that he didn’t know what to play with, so I’ve told him that anything he buys for Owen will be put away for Christmas, and we rotate the ones he’s already got’ says Laurrie, mum to Owen, two.

A good solution, according to Dorothy. ‘Too many toys means your toddler won’t play with any of them. If you want to buy them for him, fine, but keep the ones he’s not using out of sight and just give him one or two at a time.’

It might be worth stopping to ask yourself whether he really needs that all-singing, all-dancing toy, too. ‘When we were staying with some child-free (hence toyless) friends recently,’ says Siobhan, mum to Joe, three, ‘Joe found himself a cardboard box, got in it and described in great detail where we were going on his ‘train’. It made me wonder why I buy him any toys at all if a box can fire his imagination just as well.’

‘You can spoil a child by buying him things when he doesn’t deserve them,’ warns Dorothy, ‘or by buying things because he demands them.’ But not every child with a toy collection resembling Hamleys’ stockroom is necessarily a spoilt brat and as long as, most of the time, you’re rewarding his good behaviour with time, love and positive attention, the odd treat isn’t going to turn him into Veruca Salt. 
 

I’m not spoiling him…but Granny is!

What do you do if you’re ever-conscious about spoiling your toddler, but Granny can’t help but lavish him with toys? ‘To be honest, I don’t think this really matters’ says Dorothy. ‘If it really bothers you, though, say something along the lines of “He’s beginning to welcome you just for the gifts, not for you”’.

The thought of her precious grandchild being more excited about what she’s got in her bag than seeing her might make her reign in her Early Learning Centre habit.
If your two year old comes home a sugar-crazed monster after a visit to Grandma’s, try asking tactfully whether she could limit the sweets to one or two a day or better still, provide raisins or other dried fruit instead.

Problem: Granny clears her diary whenever her little angel comes to visit and spends the weekend taking him to farms and playgrounds

Solution:  ‘Isn’t this what grandparents are for?’ asks Dorothy. The best thing about grandparents is their unlimited time and patience so, although it’s tough on you if you feel she’s seen as the ‘fun’ one, while you’re the nagging one dragging your tot round the supermarket all the time, well, it’s a small price to pay for the great relationship and happy memories that are being created (not to mention the free babysitting…)