Help! My toddler’s the Incredible Hulk!

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde have nothing on the average toddler. Here’s how to keep your tot’s inner monster under wraps  
 
One minute, she’s sitting there quietly, lovingly tending to her dollies. The next, she’s turned into a spitting, screaming bundle of venom – and all because you asked her, very nicely, to put her shoes on.

Toddlers can go from little angel to devil incarnate within seconds, leaving you wondering what on earth triggered such an outpouring of wrath. In fact, dealing with your toddler’s moods can make you feel like you’re living with the Incredible Hulk.

So, how do you tell when your tot is about to morph into a pint-sized monster, and what do you do when it happens? Read on for our top fire-fighting tips.

The supermarket hissy fit

It’s the tantrum that every mum dreads… the screaming, foot-stamping paddy that invariably happens in public. Whether you ignore it or challenge it, one thing’s certain. Every pair of eyes in the supermarket will be on you.

‘A tantrum in public is usually about “I want” or “I’m bored”,’ explains educational psychologist Lyn Fry. She suggests giving your tot three rules before you start your supermarket sweep – sit in the trolley, hold the handlebar (to stop her grabbing things) and have a happy face.

‘Then, give her a job, like looking for the tomatoes,’ advises Lyn. This will make her feel important and keep her entertained, as Sarah Laing, mum to three-year-old Chloe, discovered. ‘Chloe and I made flashcards with pictures of different food,’ says Sarah. ‘I give her five different cards each time, and she has to find whatever’s on them. It’s turned shopping into a game and now she actually looks forward to the supermarket.’

But what if a wobbly erupts regardless? ‘Either ignore it, or abandon your shopping, take your child to the car, put her in her car seat and tell her she can come out once she’s calm,’ suggests Lyn. She’ll soon learn that, boring though shopping might be, it’s not half as boring as sitting in a stationary car.

The hitting and kicking tantrum

Toddlers can be surprisingly violent, and when your little Hulk’s fists start to fly, you don’t want to get in their way. Hitting, kicking, pinching and biting is bad behaviour that needs to be stopped in its tracks, so Lyn suggests using time-out.

Time-out needs to be safe, secure and, above all, boring. ‘You could use a travel cot, or the stairs with a stair gate,’ says Lyn. ‘If your toddler is under two and a half, don’t shut her away – leave doors open so you can see her, but don’t interact with her.’

Your tot should stay in time-out for one minute per year of her life. But be flexible and wait until she’s calm.  ‘When she comes out, don’t go on and on, trying to make her apologise,’ adds Lyn. ‘That just gives her the attention she wanted in the first place. Ask her to say sorry, but if she won’t, just say, “Well, let me know if you change your mind” and leave it there.’

Elizabeth Summers, mum to three-year-old Alex, puts her son in the garden for time-out. ‘I tell him that if he wants to behave like an animal, he can do it outside,’ she says. ‘Then, when he’s calm, I give him a cuddle, and we go and do something nice. It helps him realise that lashing out doesn’t get him anywhere.’

The sitting protest

As your stubborn tot knows only too well, sitting or lying down and refusing to budge is an incredibly effective way to get what she wants. The best tactic to avoid sitting protests is to plan ahead, says Lyn.

‘Make sure she’s sitting in the shopping trolley or buggy. Be firm, and tell her she has to be strapped in. By taking the upper hand before the situation arises, you’re letting her know that you’re in charge.’

If, however, you don’t avert the tantrum in time and your tot is lying prone on the pavement, screaming for all she’s worth, try ignoring her and walking off (but not too far). Strong-willed through your toddler may be, she’ll hate being abandoned and will be on her feet and back with you in no time.

‘It works a treat with Sammy,’ agrees Katie Ellis, mum to two-year-old Samuel. ‘I just say, “Okay, see you later” and walk away, and within seconds he’s by my side.’

The hysterical sobbing tantrum

Nothing makes you feel quite as guilty as your tot dissolving into floods of tears just because you won’t let her wear her pyjamas to playschool. ‘The mistake parents make with this sort of tantrum is getting worried,’ explains Lyn. ‘You think, “Oh my God, I’ve really upset her”. You end up feeling extremely guilty, trying to reason with her and giving her cuddles – and your child learns that bursting into tears gets her exactly what she wants.’

Instead, Lyn advocates ignoring your little drama queen. ‘Just say, “I’m sorry you feel this way, but come back when you’re calm and we’ll talk. Then don’t give her any more attention until she’s stopped crying.’

We know ignoring a sobbing tot is easier said than done though, so distract yourself until she’s calm. ‘I put the radio on loud and sing along to block her out,’ says Kim Leeming, mum to Rosie, two. ‘Neither of us can be cross for long when I’m dancing round the kitchen like a loon.’

The head-banging tantrum

Ignoring your little hell-raiser’s tantrums is all well and good, but what if she starts smacking her head against the wall? ‘The first time Louis head-banged, I completely panicked and rushed him to the doctor,’ says Mary McClelland, mum to three-year-old Louis. ‘I was sure he must have hurt himself.’

‘Your child won’t do herself any serious damage,’ assures Lyn. Turning a blind eye is the best thing you can do – she’ll soon realise that a) she’s not getting your attention and b) it hurts!

The worst injury your tot is likely to inflict on herself is a nasty bruise – as hard as it is to believe we promise she won’t fracture her skull or scramble her brains. But if she’s head-banging on a hard surface, move her to a safe place such as the sofa. ‘I put Louis on my bed when he head-bangs,’ says Mary. ‘As he grows up, the better his communication skills get, the less he does it – I’m sure it’s all down to frustration.’

The ‘I can’t hear you’ tantrum

It may be less noisy than other tantrums, but flatly refusing to do what you ask is one of your tot’s most effective forms of protest. According to Lyn, this sort of tantrum is most likely if you negotiate too much with your tiny tearaway.

‘Speak to her like you mean it – don’t be all polite about it,’ she says. ‘Tell her what you want her to do, letting her know that she can have a tantrum about it if she wants, but you’re not going to give in.’

Rewards can also encourage your tot to do what you ask. ‘We have a reward chart with Daniel’s daily activities on it – brushing teeth, eating breakfast, tidying his toys away, and so on,’ suggests Roberta Williams, mum to 20-month-old Daniel. ‘He gets a sticker each time, and when he has 10, he can choose a little treat. It’s bribery, but it works!’

The breath-holder

You’ve heard the expression ‘screaming till you’re blue in the face’… Well, some toddlers take it literally – and it’s the scariest sort of tantrum you’ll ever witness. ‘A couple of times, Lizzie has held her breath for so long that she’s passed out,’ says Sandra Robinson, whose daughter is three. ‘I’m scared to let her get to tantrum-point, in case it happens again.’

‘Some children, when they have a screaming fit, do hold their breath,’ agrees Lyn. ‘You just have to wait for them to come out of it. They either give up and start breathing, or pass out briefly and then when they come round everything is okay. Your child has to learn that this behaviour isn’t going to get her anywhere, so it’s really important to ignore it.’

We know it’s scary, but if your tot is a breath-holder, move her somewhere safe. Then, just wait for the episode to pass – if she faints, she’ll start breathing automatically and come round after about 15 seconds. If it’s the first time your tot has passed out, get her checked by the GP to make sure there’s no medical explanation. Otherwise, just ride it out – by the time they start school, most children have grown out of this particularly nasty sort of tantrum reassures Lyn.

Top five tantrums explained

1. ‘It’s mine!’

Children don’t learn to share until they’re around three years old. Until that point, tussles over favourite toys are likely. Try to limit the damage by praising her when she does share, providing plenty of toys when friends come round, and supervising closely in case of fisticuffs.

2. ‘I’m not eating that!’

Toddlers are notoriously fussy eaters, and the dinner table is one place where they can exert their power. If she’s refusing to eat, take her plate away without comment – and don’t substitute the missed meal with sweets or crisps. She’ll soon learn that if she’s hungry, she has to eat what’s on offer.

3. ‘I don’t want to get dressed!’

Your tot has a fierce independent streak, which means she’s likely to shun your attempts to get her dressed, while not quite being able to manage it on her own. Make it into a game by setting an egg timer and challenging her to get her gladrags on before the buzzer.

4. ‘I’m bored!’

Bored toddlers quickly turn into tantrumming terrors. Limit the damage by keeping story tapes in the car for long journeys, playing I-spy on shopping trips, making sure you’ve got a snack or drink on hand, and saving long phone calls until she’s in bed.

5. ‘I will not sit in my buggy!’

Sitting in the pushchair is a trial for your independent tot, so try to give her a bit of freedom. If you’ve got time to spare, let her walk – you’ll be boosting her motor skills, and she’ll burn off energy to boot.