Toddler trouble: dealing with toddler tantrums

So there you are, Saturday morning at the supermarket. What started as a mindless zigzag up the hot-beverage aisle has been interrupted by a human blockade. Your child: a sprawling mass of spittle and fury. Is she in pain? Is she being naughty? Why is everyone looking at you like that? And then it hits you. Oh. My. God. My baby is a toddler. 

There are, of course, other signs. The stage starts for many children as soon as they start walking. It’s the first in a series of skills that sees a baby taking responsibility for himself – and he can’t get enough of it. ‘As soon as Ben could do something once, he’d never let you do it for him again,’ says Michelle, 27, from Doncaster. ‘Getting dressed was fine until we got to the socks – which he wanted to do but could never quite manage. Mealtimes were crazy. He’d take so long that whatever food hadn’t landed down his arms and legs would go cold. And don’t even get me started on his “helping” with the dishwasher. But it is cute – and being able to watch your child pick up skills we take for granted is a real privilege.’

Child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin says, ‘The second year of life is enormously busy, intellectually, emotionally and physically, as your child develops a sense of self, becomes more independent and gets to grips with life on her feet.’

This period of developing autonomy is also typified by toddlers learning to talk and make choices – both of which are important milestones. So how can you survive tiny fists, sudden regressions and Olympic-standard stubbornness? Read on…

The fussy eater

The best way to stop a child turning her nose up is to introduce a variety of flavours and textures from the very start of weaning (see our guide to weaning, p77). But it’s never too late to retrain your child’s tastebuds. ‘Offer small portions often,’ says Pat. ‘Toddlers tend to refuse things the first time round – mainly to prove that they can – but that doesn’t mean they won’t eat them next time.’ You may have to present your child with certain foods several times before she accepts them.

‘Never say, “you don’t like such and such, do you?”,’ says Pat. Instead, give it and say nothing. ‘A toddler will just believe you when you say she doesn’t like broccoli, for instance, rather than make her own mind up.’

‘Expose children to different foods by offering titbits from your plate – let them see you eat things,’ says Jo Douglas, psychologist and author of Toddler Troubles (£8.99, John Wiley & Sons). She advises that parents should allow toddlers to feed themselves as much as possible as a way of encouraging their independence at mealtimes.


It’s always ‘no, no, no’

Saying ‘no’ is your child’s way of taking control. ‘Being a toddler has similarities to being a teenager,’ says Pat. ‘It’s a time when a child learns to assert herself – an important life stage. Parents must learn to channel this assertiveness and set boundaries.’ So rather than seeing her constant ‘nos’ as a sign of negativity, respect that she’s ready to make some choices for herself.

Improve your child’s vocabulary – and therefore ways to express her wants. ‘Always talk to your child and reinforce the correct words when they say them – so if they say “ca”, you say “a cat”,’ says Jo. ‘Nursery rhymes and singing are helpful – rhyming encourages children to get an ear for language, and hearing the musicality of speech helps them respond to the sound of whole words rather than phonetics.
‘Toddlers have a natural ability to generate language, and internalise the principles of grammar and language production and have fun with it.’

But what of older toddlers who are genuinely refusing rather than being assertive? ‘Give them a choice that’s not really a choice,’ says Pat. ‘Offer two alternatives where the outcome doesn’t really matter to you, such as playing on the swings or in the sandpit. This way they feel in control of their life but it’s within your boundaries.’


Overtired and emotional

If your child sleeps well at night but still seems tired, perhaps she’s not getting enough sleep in the day. ‘When Ella was 18 months old she suddenly stopped having her usual three naps and would either go through the whole day fighting exhaustion or suddenly just lie down and go to sleep,’ says Claire, 30, from Liverpool. ‘I’d arrange a play date but she’d nod off in the pushchair on the way there and spend the whole visit snoozing in the hall. If she did stay awake she’d get ratty or tearful.’

Dr Irshaad Ebrahim of The London Sleep Centre reinforces the continued importance of naps. ‘Toddlers need naps to recharge their batteries,’ he says. ‘By 18 months most will move to just one longer nap lasting one to two hours, usually in the middle of the day.’

Having a familiar series of steps leading up to nap time helps. Set the same time every day and implement a routine. This will give your child a series of triggers that will help her feel secure and encourage her to become sleepy. Reading a story, bringing out a favourite blanket or closing the curtains can all help.

Not sharing

Toddlerhood is a time of developing social skills such as turn-taking and sharing – but these are skills they learn gradually. ‘From about two and a half children will start to play together, rather than alongside each other. But parents will still be required to act as mediators,’ says Jo, who advises parents to lead by example – getting down and playing with your toddler and her friends and show how it’s not the end of the world to let another person take a toy you’re using.

Join in with dressing up, role-playing games and simple puzzles. All these activities will increase your bond as well as help develop your toddler’s social skills and ability to focus on activities.

Clinginess

Parents provide a secure base from which to explore the world and from 18 months children begin to break away from it as the urge to be independent grows. ‘This can be quite frightening for toddlers,’ says Pat. ‘The security they felt as a baby came from being constantly cared for by the same person, but by now other people may start to look after them with different routines.’

When a child is changing rapidly, this can be a step too far and cause her to become distressed when her parents go out of sight, even for a minute. This is known as separation anxiety. ‘Although some families are disorganised, and children learn to cope with this, toddlers do like to know what’s going to happen next,’ says Jo. Desensitise your child gradually by leaving her with a relative or friend for short periods.

‘Toddlers can react to change by suddenly returning to baby behaviour because that time felt reassuring,’ says Jo. They need some things to remain consistent, such as the same bedtime story.

‘Mia had been coming along really well – hitting all her developmental milestones,’ says mother Joanne, 28, from Fife. ‘Then when she got to about 15 months she suddenly wanted lots of cuddling and picking up – it felt like a real step backwards. And although she likes to be a “big” girl, sometimes all she wants is a bottle and a hug.’ After all, underneath the pretend-grown-up games, crazy tantrums and puzzling logic, they’re still our little babies.

How to deal with a tantrum

Think of the word ‘toddler’ and the next is probably ‘tantrum’. Here’s how to cool a mini hot-head

- Make sure he’s safe
An angry toddler will give no thought to stairs, busy roads or any other hazard. If your child could hurt himself, your first priority is to move him somewhere he can let off steam safely.

- Identify the trigger and then solve it

Most tantrums are caused by frustration (have you really listened to your toddler’s request?), but tiredness and trying to get something he wants can also trigger them. If you sense your child starting to become upset or angry, try to find a compromise – perhaps you can swap the toy he insists you buy for a rare chance to play with your car keys or phone.

- Don’t react

By telling a child off, you’re not only wasting your time (it’s impossible to reason with a toddler) but you’re also establishing a bad habit. ‘By shouting you are still giving him attention, even if it’s negative attention,’ says Pat. The best thing is to ignore bad behaviour completely. ‘Literally turn away from the child.’

- Don’t be embarrassed or take it personally

Embarrassment or guilt can lead many parents to give in or try to placate a child with a biscuit, sending the message that tantrums mean treats. Establish good habits instead by giving attention and rewards when your child behaves well.