The birds and the bees

‘How did that baby get in your tummy, mummy?’ Should you blame the stork, or is it time for ‘that’ chat about the birds and the bees?

Sex. It’s not an easy thing to talk about with a teenager, let alone a toddler! But it’s a conversation that every parent will have to face at some point. So how do you bring up the birds and the bees with your tot, without causing too many blushes (all yours of course!)?

Little white lies

The thing about toddlers is they’re curious little things. And their curiosity knows no bounds. Whereas some toddlers are totally oblivious to the big questions in life and are more concerned about ‘Why is Tinky Winky purple mummy?’, others ask questions that would make David Attenborough blush! But while hiding your embarrassment behind tales of gooseberry bushes or storks may seem easier, in the long-run honesty is the best policy.

‘As a parent, it’s really important that your toddler feels he can come to you for the truth, whatever his question’ says health visitor and M&B expert Jackie Walsh. ‘It’s always best to avoid old wives’ tales or little white lies, and be totally honest. But only explain up to a level he can cope with.’

Don’t be tempted to whip out a medical textbook and bombard him with facts he’s just too young to comprehend, explain to him using simple stories or pictures. If the mere thought of explaining the birds and bees to your tot is making you cringe, take comfort in the fact that you don’t have to do this alone. There’s a huge selection of books to guide you through the facts of life with your toddler (see box for M&B’s favorites).

And one thing’s for sure: if there is any embarrassment, it will be entirely one-sided! Your curious little man won’t have a clue yet that this subject is any different from what’s for tea tonight or why he has to put his shoes on now.

He will just love finding out more about how the world works. So try and be as relaxed as he is, and look on the bright side, at least you have a child who is interested in the world around him!

Busy hands

Unlike us world-weary adults, who have learned that it’s OK to be openly inquisitive about some things, but certainly not others, a toddler will be equally as curious about a stick in the garden or his new train set as his private bits – and yours or Daddy’s!

‘It’s very common for young children to point out differences that they see, whatever they may be. It’s their way of understanding the world and how they fit into it,’ explains Jackie.

Unfortunately, your tot may not confine his lessons in biology to the privacy of his own home – he’s just as likely to want to share his discovery and shout ‘I’ve got a willy, I’m like Daddy!’ at the supermarket or nursery, and normally at top volume!

You may want the ground to swallow you up, but your tot is only doing what all tots do, and most people won't be offended! ‘You don't want to be too negative in your reaction, as actually he’s just stating a fact, and although it’s uncomfortable he’s doing nothing wrong.

Also don’t over-react or he'll soon twig that this is a great way of getting attention and do it again, even louder,’ says Jackie. ‘Instead, just acknowledge what he said, then distract him with something you can both share to make your shopping fun.’  

Distraction tactics

Just as when your baby discovers his toes, he can’t stop playing with them, so too will he eventually start playing with himself ‘down there’. Fiddling with his bits often coincides with potty training – for girls as well as boys – as everything is simply more accessible.

‘Little hands are always busy, exploring new things, and he doesn’t know that while playing with his feet is considered acceptable, standing with his hands down his trousers isn’t,’ explains child psychologist and M&B expert, Dorothy Einon.
And this harmless behaviour could be prompted by more than just curiosity.

‘If you’re busy in the queue for the bus, juggling your shopping, chatting to the person next to you, trying to find the door keys, he knows that if he shoves his hands down his pants, it’s a good way to get your attention,’ explains Dorothy. ‘Sometimes, fiddling can be attention seeking or simply because he is bored, fed up or tired.’

For us mums, it can be highly embarrassing to be accompanied by a tot who is permanently having a rummage around ‘down there’, but is quite common among toddlers, and there really is nothing wrong with it! But if it happens a lot in public and is beginning to make you cringe, this may be where you need to introduce some boundaries.

‘You don’t want to imply that he’s done something wrong, or make a big deal of it, and you certainly don’t want to make him think that having genitals is something bad that he must never talk about,’ says Jackie.

If he’s curious about mummy or daddy’s genitals, as well as his own, acknowledge this. It’s much better if Daddy casually says ‘Yes, that’s Daddy’s willy’, but then walks away and chats about something else,’ explains Jackie.

Doctors and nurses

Learning through play is one of the best things for inquisitive toddlers, and what better way for your little one to show his understanding of how bodies work than a good old-fashioned game of doctors and nurses?

Of course, if he just wants to check his play-mate’s pulse and bandage up her arm, all’s well and good. But what if he wants to carry out a more intimate examination? You may soon find that little Susie isn’t allowed round to play any more.

‘If it’s your own children playing together, you can make a decision as to what you think is appropriate, but if the game involves your friend’s children, they may have a very different view from to you, so you’ll need to discuss what is acceptable with their parents,’ cautions Dorothy.

Again, distraction can work wonders. ‘You don’t need to make a big thing of it,’ advises Jackie. ‘Suggest that they practice bandaging each other’s arms, or that they play something different altogether.’

NIGHTMARE SCENARIOS

1. Your toddler walks in on you and your partner having sex

Jackie says: ‘Don’t shriek or holler, as it could make your child very frightened! Remain calm and respond to their reaction and according to their age. If your child doesn’t bat an eyelid and calmly asks for the glass of milk that he came in for, you may have to say nothing!’

Dorothy says: ‘It’s happened to all of us! Just explain that Mummy and Daddy were having a cuddle.’

2. Your toddler wants to know how the baby got into your tummy

Jackie says: ‘Use suitable children’s books to explain, and it’s a great way of connecting with one another as you read together. Be guided by your tot’s response, and use it to gauge exactly how much information they want.’

Dorothy says: ‘Explain factually in a way that your toddler can understand. If he’s not interested it will pass over them, if they are interested you can expand it naturally as far as they need or want to know.’

3. Your toddler won’t stop playing with himself/herself in public

Jackie says: ‘Even if you don’t have a problem with it, he will reach an age where fiddling in public leads to raised eyebrows. The best tactic is distraction until he grows up enough to realise that other people don’t do this. Avoid telling him it’s something he should never do, or that it’s dirty or wrong.’

Dorothy says: ‘Making a big deal of it won’t help. It’s better to explain that it is OK to do some things in some contexts but not in others. For example, we only do poos in the potty or the toilet, we don’t do them in the street. Similarly, you don’t play with yourself in the street.’

I COULD HAVE DIED

‘When my little boy Tom asked about how babies were made, we told him Mummys and Daddys had ‘special cuddles’. A few weeks later, we were queuing to pay in a busy supermarket, and my husband and I were holding hands. Tom asked, at the top his voice, ‘Mummy, are you and Daddy having one of those special cuddles that makes babies?’ I could have died!’

Vicky Ellis, mum to Jake, five, Tom, three and Lily, one

‘Our policy of being open about our bodies misfired when Flyn told his nursery teacher that he has a small willy, but Daddy’s is big and hairy!’

Rachel White, mum to Flyn, two

‘I wasn’t quite sure how to react when Tilly asked for a mirror to check that she has a hole for when her baby is ready to come out of her tummy!’

Sue Bartholemew, mum to Tilly, three, and Savannah, 18 months

‘I held my breath, fearing the worst, when Beth announced to the supermarket cashier that she knew what daddies have that mummies don’t. ‘Oh yes?’ asked the cashier. ‘Wallets!’ answered Beth triumphantly.’

Sarah Lenton, mum to Beth, two, and Alexander, four months