The top toddler traumas

How your little one copes with the big events life throws at him

Moving house, divorce, a new baby… they’re among the most stressful life events an adult can experience. So just imagine how they affect your toddler, who’s old enough to know that something strange is going on, but too small to really understand why. Here’s how to help him through traumatic times with minimum upheaval.

STAYING OVER AT GRANDMA’S

Your toddler may well have spent the odd night away from home when he was a baby, or when on holiday, but actually going to sleep over at someone else’s house – on his own – is a pretty big step.

If he decides he wants to go and stay at Grandma’s (or if you’re really desperate for a night off!), it’s not a bad idea to encourage this independence, as the longer you leave staying away from home, the harder it will get.

• Prepare him by talking about the plan in advance, then, when you drop him off, say goodbye with a smile. Don’t say things like ‘It’s only one night’ – he’s probably less concerned than you are.

• Start off with someone your tot already knows well and make sure he has his favourite toys and books with him.

• One night is probably enough for his first solo stay – if it goes well, you can always build it up.

• Sticking roughly to his usual bedtime routine will make things feel more familiar, but if he’s a bit uneasy, it won’t hurt for Grandma to stay with him until he falls asleep for one night. It’s more important he feels secure and has fun.

DIVORCE OR SEPARATION

It’s well known that a new baby can put a huge strain on your relationship with your partner. Relate estimate that more than 75% of their clients first found their relationship in difficulty after the birth of their first baby. But even if you do manage to make it through months of sleepless nights and nappies, the toddler years bring their own stresses and challenges.

Relationship problems, a divorce or separation affect even the youngest tot. All children would ultimately prefer their parents to live together, but if a split is inevitable, there are steps you can take to minimise the damage.

• According to Dorothy Einon, M&B’s child psychologist and author of Child Behaviour, (£9.99, Penguin) the most important thing is to reassure your tot that none of the fault lies with him and to allow him to show his feelings and express his anger.

• Avoid quarrelling when your children are present and laying blame on your ex-partner in front of them. ‘You must be more than fair,’ says Einon, ‘However badly a partner has behaved, he/she is still your little one’s parent. That relationship is important and will need plenty of nurturing.’

As with all traumas, it’s perfectly normal for a toddler to react to the situation in various negative ways. However, children are very adaptable, and having two happy parents living separately is better than having two unhappy ones living together, so don’t beat yourself up.

MOVING HOUSE

If the house he lives in is the only home he’s ever known, moving away can be pretty traumatic for your tot. It’s twice as hard if it means starting a new nursery, getting used to a new park and playground and/or finding new friends.

• Prepare him beforehand by showing him the new house. Walk around the area, go and have a coffee in the nearest café, and try out a local toddler group.

• Take a photo of your child in front of the new house and use it to make cards to tell his friends his new address.

• Make sure that his bedroom is one of the first to be decorated and ready to move into, and let him have some say over the decoration – say, letting him choose a new lampshade or duvet cover.

STARTING NURSERY

Sooner or later, every child has to take that first step over the school threshold. For some, it’s not until the age of four or five, but at three years old, 90% of tots have a free nursery place and many toddlers will already have started some form of childcare long before then.

If your toddler has never spent time away from you, spending a full day at nursery surrounded by strangers can be a pretty stressful event, so it’s well worth putting in some time and effort beforehand to help prepare him.

• Once you’ve decided on the nursery, talk about it (but not too much) with your tot and visit the nursery together. Reading books like Freddie Goes to Playgroup, by Nicola Smee (£3.99, Watts Publishing) can also help prepare him.

‘Before Joe started nursery, I put some feelers out locally and found a couple of mums whose children already attended the nursery,’ says Bryony Martin, 28, mum to Joe, two, ‘I invited them round for a few playdates, so there were already some friendly, familiar faces on Joe’s first day.’

• When the big day dawns, steel yourself. Toddlers are little emotional sponges, so if you’re unhappy and stressed, he’ll pick up on your feelings. Give him a quick, cheery kiss goodbye and leave quickly. 

‘I was really worried that Ellie wouldn’t understand I was coming back,’ says Linda Jupp, 30, mum to Ellie, three, ‘so I left my keyring (which has a picture of her on it) with her and asked her to look after it for me until I came to pick her up.’

• Your little one may howl when you leave, but it doesn’t mean he’ll spend the day crying, unhappy and missing you. Don’t be afraid to call the nursery after 20 minutes or so, to check that he’s settled – any good carer will understand.

A NEW BABY

As the most usual age gap between children is two to three years, adjusting to a new baby in the family is something many toddlers have to deal with. Your tot may well take to his new role of ‘big brother’ without any problems, but most will experience varying degrees of jealousy, anxiety and resentment, in addition to (hopefully) plenty of excitement, love and pride.

• It’s important to let your tot know that all these feelings are valid – letting him express them and listening to his concerns should reduce the likelihood of his emotions finding more destructive outlets (like hitting his younger sibling!)

• ‘Make sure a lot of attention is given to the older child,’ advises Einon. Once the baby’s born, try and ensure visitors pay extra attention to your eldest and don’t just make a big fuss of the baby.

• If you can, keep his routine as regular as possible and set aside a special time each day to spend with your firstborn. Make him feel part of things by asking him to help you fetch a nappy or ‘look after’ his baby brother or sister, but don’t expect too much of him – he wants to feel he’s still your ‘baby’, too.

BEREAVEMENT

Children under five find it very difficult to comprehend the concept that a person can cease to exist, but it’s best to be as honest possible with them about what’s happened and to share their grief.

The death of a pet is often the first experience of bereavement your tot will have, and Dorothy Einon believes it’s well worth keeping pets with shorter life spans such as hamsters or gerbils in order to ‘teach children to love and care, grieve and accept that death comes to everyone.’

• Having a small burial ceremony in the garden may also help your child accept what’s happened.

Obviously, the loss of a friend or family member is far harder for a small child to deal with and, if it’s someone you were close to, he’ll be affected by your grief, too.

• Be honest. ‘Don’t use euphemisms such as “resting in peace” or “passed on” advises Einon. ‘It’s best to use the word “dead”. Explain to your child in simple terms that the person is not coming back.’

• Don’t feel you have to bottle up your feelings all the time – sharing your grief and talking about the person you’ve lost with your tot will help you both come to terms with things, but he’ll also need as much familiarity and security as it’s possible to give him.

M&B Help for you

Child Bereavement Trust (Childbereavement.org.uk, 01494 446648)
Relate (relate.org.uk, 01788 573241)