Driving you potty?

For some mums it’s a breeze, for others it’s the impossible toddler challenge. We answer all your questions about potty training and more.

Your two-year-old can walk, talk – well, a bit – and eat by himself with a spoon. He’s well on the way to becoming an independent little man, but there’s still one big milestone to get past – potty training.

If, like many mums, you’re dreading it, don’t. The key is to wait until your tot is ready; don’t listen to do-gooders telling you to train him any earlier than you think he’s ready.

‘Parents are the experts on potty training,’ says Kate Daymond, a health visitor and spokesperson for Parentalk, a charity offering support and advice to parents at all stages. ‘You know your toddler and you’re the very best person to read his signals.’

It’s all very well saying you’re the expert, but how an earth do you know when he’s ready? Look out for the following signs:

1. He’s aware when he is about to do a wee or poo – he may tell you, or clutch his nappy. This is the most important sign of readiness.

2. He can manage to pull his trousers and pants down by himself.

3. He can follow simple instructions.

4. He shows an interest in the potty or toilet.

Age is no guide, however. Remember, anything from 18 months to four is a totally normal age to potty train. It’s not a competition!

You can make the process easier with a little bit of preparation. Read books with him about potty training – try I Want My Potty! By Tony Ross (Andersen Press, £4.99) – and leave a potty around the house so he gets used to it.

Let him see you, and his dad, using the toilet, so he sees it’s a normal thing to do. And take him to buy some new ‘big boy’ pants – he’ll love to choose some with his favourite character on. Finally, when you’re ready to begin, explain to him what’s going to happen, so he’s happy with the idea.

Potty train your toddler in five easy steps

1. Pick the right time – you need to be able to concentrate on potty training without any distractions. If you can, start when it’s summer; he’ll be outside – so the odd accident won’t matter as much – and wearing lighter, easier-to-manage clothes.

2. On day one, put him into his new pants, show him where the potty is and tell him to sit on it if he needs a wee. When he does one, give him tons of praise – his first wee in the potty deserves a phone call to daddy, grandma and grandad and all his aunties and uncles! Show him how to wipe himself – from front to back for a girl, to avoid transferring bacteria from her bottom to her vagina – and to wash and dry his hands.

3. Remind him to use the potty, but try not to nag constantly. Concentrate on the positive – keep the praise coming every time he uses the potty.

4. ‘Expect some little accidents,’ says Kate. ‘They’re perfectly normal. Don’t make your child anxious by telling him off.’ If he has an accident, stay calm, don’t shout and say something like, ‘Never mind. Maybe next time you can do it in the potty.’

5. Stay at home as much as you can for the first few days. When you do venture out, get him to use the potty before you leave, and bring spare clothes, wipes and a rubbish bag for emergency clean-ups. If you use pull-ups, explain to him that he should still ask for the potty if he needs it, as they can feel a lot like nappies and confuse him.

If you’ve tried everything, nothing seems to be working and, quite frankly, you’re at the end of your tether, don’t panic! You’re not on your own! Check out the following common problems:

‘How can I explain to my toddler why I want him to wee in a potty?’

If you’ve prepared him, this won’t be such a big deal – he’ll see it as a natural part of becoming a ‘big boy’. ‘Let him play with the potty, talk to it, sit on it or wear it as a hat – whatever he likes as long as he’s not scared of it!’ says Kate.

‘My toddler won’t poo on the potty. How can I encourage him?’

This is a common problem. ‘Some children find the sight of poo a bit frightening, so they won’t poo anywhere but a nappy,’ says Kate. Your tot may need reassuring, so as bizarre as it sounds, let them see other people’s poos. ‘Keep it fun by letting him flush a poo away while singing a “bye-bye” song,’ says Kate. A book like Everybody Poos by Taro Gomi (Book Club Titles, £4.99) can help him realise that there’s nothing to be scared of.

Another solution is to get him to sit on his potty wearing a nappy when he wants to poo. When he gets used to this, take the nappy off and lay it loosely on the potty. Finally, put it right inside the potty so he’s not in contact with the nappy at all. This is a big step, so don’t rush him – it’s just a matter of time and patience.

‘My toddler is potty trained in the day. How do I tackle night times?’

Some toddlers will become dry at night within only weeks of being dry by day. ‘Most children are not dry at night until they’re about three, though, and some aren’t ready until they’re at school,’ says Kate Daymond. Night-time dryness is strongly related to family history, so if you or your partner were late developers, your child probably will be, too.

Wait until your tot has a dry nappy for several nights in a row before you try to train him at night. Once you feel he’s ready, leave off his night-time nappy and tell him he can use the potty if he wakes needing the toilet. Make it as easy for him as possible; leave the potty right by his bed or, if he prefers the toilet, use a night light so he can find his way.

There are bound to be some accidents, so use a waterproof sheet under his usual sheet or a disposable bed mat. Don’t let him drink too much in the evening and make sure he goes to the toilet last thing before bed. And if he does have a dry night, give him lots of praise.

‘I’ve tried everything and my toddler’s still not potty trained. Help!’

The most likely reason is that he’s not really ready. He needs to be aware that he is about to wee or poo, and to be able to hold on for a few seconds. Recognising that he’s wet or dirty is not quite enough! It could also be that potty training has turned into a power game.

If you’re tense about it, he may pick up on this. ‘Toddlers quickly realise they get major attention for pooing in the wrong places,’ says Kate. ‘If you can try to be more relaxed about it, it will make a big difference.’

Potty training is often a case of two steps forward, one step back, so be prepared for a bumpy ride. If your tot is ill, for instance, it may take him a while to get back on track afterwards. However, if you’ve been trying for a week or more and your child can’t get through a day without lots of accidents, just quietly drop it, without any negative comments, and try again in a couple of months. If you’re concerned that there may be a deeper problem, talk to your health visitor.

‘Should my son sit or stand to use the potty?’

Whatever he likes. Sitting is probably easier at first, and it’s certainly less messy, but if your little boy wants to wee ‘like daddy’, that’s fine.

‘Should he use the potty or the toilet?’

Again, it’s a matter of what your child prefers. If he wants to use the toilet, get him a step so he can climb up there, and a child toilet seat so he feels more secure. You’ll still need a potty for when you’re out and about, though.

‘How should I deal with accidents?’

Above all, stay calm and don’t let your child feel he’s done something wrong. He may feel more upset about it than you do, so reassure him with a smile and a ‘never mind’. You’ll find it easier to cope if you’re prepared; protect any precious furniture and have plenty of spare clothes and pants ready. Your child may have more accidents if he’s distracted. If you take him to a friend’s house to play, for example, you may need to remind him more often than usual to use the potty.

Elimination communication

Thirty years ago, before disposable nappies, mothers eager to reduce the laundry mountain would start potty training babies as young as 12 months. Crazy? Maybe not. In many countries, including India, Kenya and Greenland, babies are left nappy-free and parents rely on reading their baby’s signals to know when he needs to go. Now this approach, called elimination communication, is attracting interest in the US and the UK.

So how does it work? ‘It’s about picking up on your baby’s signals,’ says Maggie Howell, who has used this method with all three of her sons. ‘A baby lets you know when he’s hungry or tired, and he does the same when he needs to wee or poo, usually by wriggling, kicking or becoming fidgety.’ Critics of the method say that getting a baby to wee in a potty is pure luck, as the baby has no awareness.

‘Women all over the world carry their babies nappy-free, and they’re not covered in wee,’ says Maggie. ‘We’ve just lost the awareness of our babies’ needs because we put them in nappies from birth, and they stop giving out signals because we don’t respond.’ 

Real mums’ potty training tips

‘Keep the words for wee and poo simple – there’s nothing worse than your child asking at nursery for a “widdly woo” and people not knowing what they mean!’
Sarah Griffiths, mum to Lydia, two, and seven weeks pregnant

‘A reward chart worked a treat with Abbie – she loves seeing how many stars she can get at the end of the day.’

Amanda Benn, mum to Abbie, three, and Amelia, one

‘We started Jess off training with nothing on her bottom, so we didn’t have to rush to get her pants down in time.’

Lucy Collins, mum to Jess, three, and Emma, one

‘My advice is don’t pressure your child – just leave the potty where they can see it and encourage them to use it. I did this with both my boys and they were fully trained by two and a half.’

Kerry Barker, mum to Bailey, four, Corbey, two, and Marcie, 15 months.
 
‘Nothing worked with Ieuan – stickers, reward, praise, bribes – until I got him believing in the toilet fairy! I convinced him that the fairy needed to take his wee and poo away to a magical place, and every time he used the potty he was so proud that he was helping the toilet fairy do her job!’

Rebecca Baverstock, mum to Ieuan, three, and Canham, eight weeks.

‘My top tip is to buy a travel potty. No more searching for the nearest loo when you hear “I need a wee wee”, and it saves carrying a full-sized potty around!’
Gemma Summersby, mum to Jodie, three, and Luke, eight weeks.

M&B help for you

ERIC (Education and Resources for Improving Childhood Continence) Information on potty training and dealing with bedwetting and soiling. Visit www.eric.org.uk; helpline 0845 370 8008

Natal Hypnotherapy, www.natalhypnotherapy.co.uk. Includes a useful feature on elimination communication – choose from the menu bar at left.