When is the right time to start a family?

Whether you rush into it or leave it on the shelf for a few years, deciding when to start a family can be a bit of a gamble

Forget sleeping together on a first date or getting engaged within a fortnight – the latest way to consolidate a relationship is to have a baby. Not a week goes past without another A-list celeb sporting a fast-track bump, and now real mums are getting in on the act, too.

But is a whirlwind pregnancy the way to go? Or is it wiser to put off parenthood for another few years, allowing you and your partner to enjoy being a couple for a while?

Full speed ahead

While it may not be the plot of many romantic novels, the fast-forward route to parenthood – boy meets girl, girl gets pregnant – seems to be working out for an increasing number of couples.

Thirty-three-year-old Gemma Grace became pregnant with Mitchell (now two and a half) after going out with Cliff, 41, for just a week. ‘We’d had a one-night stand 10 years previously, and both been very careful about contraception.

This time, we thought we’d go with the flow. It felt very natural when I got pregnant, and I had no worries about telling Cliff.’ Trusting her instincts has paid off for Gemma; they recently had their second child, Ross.

But she admits things could have been very different. ‘Cliff could have been jealous when Mitchell was born, or decided he wasn’t interested in me sexually any more. I realised that I knew very little about him.’

Missing out on the all-important ‘getting to know you’ phase of a relationship is definitely a downside to getting pregnant so soon after meeting. You might well be spending those first few months beneath the sheets, but it’s more likely to be on your own, leaning over a sick bucket.

‘I vomited constantly until 20 weeks, then I got SPD [symphysis pubis dysfunction] and I had to use crutches,’ recalls Louise Grimes, 21, who got pregnant within a week of meeting 26-year-old Asa. ‘I felt sorry for Asa, having this hormonal pregnant girlfriend. Until Olivia was born, I felt he never knew the real me.’

You time

Louise’s experience is common among pregnancy fast-trackers, according to Relate counsellor Christine Northam. ‘When you get pregnant by someone you barely know, you have to put some aspects of your relationship development on hold, while you get on with having your baby and looking after her,’ she says.

‘It puts you under enormous pressure as a couple. Also, if you haven’t had that romantic, butterflies-in-your-tummy stage – or you did but it wasn’t for long enough, then you may have to work harder to remind yourself that you were lovers before you were parents.’

On the plus side, if you tell your new partner you’re pregnant and he doesn’t run shrieking for the hills, you’ll know he really cares for you – and you’ve probably bagged a great dad in the making.

‘I was horrified when I found out I was pregnant, but Asa was ecstatic straightaway,’ says Louise. ‘He said he’d be there for me and he has been.’ Olivia is now nine months old and Louise’s wedding to Asa is scheduled for next year, so it’s been positives all the way.

‘We’ve never really known a life without Olivia, so maybe we haven’t got anything to miss,’ she says. ‘It was a big risk, but it was right for us.’

Better late than never

While some couples know instinctively when the time is right, for others, there’s no particular hurry to become parents. Anita and Chris Buncher met when they were 18, and their daughter Megan, now 21 months, arrived 13 years later.

‘We had other things we wanted to do first,’ says Anita. ‘We went out a lot in our twenties, and Chris wanted to climb his career ladder. It took him 11 years to propose! Should we have done it when we were younger?

On a physical level, yes, because I had terrible sciatica when I was pregnant, and I feel I could have coped better if I was younger and fitter. Mentally, though, I just wasn’t ready.’

Anita Foss and Paul Line, both 35, were also happy to put the patter of tiny feet on hold indefinitely. ‘We’d been merrily going along for about seven years, and had only just started thinking about living together. Having a baby hadn’t even crossed our minds. Then I found out I was six months pregnant with Katie.’

Although the news came as a shock, the couple were unshaken. ‘If we’d been younger I think we would have crumbled,’ she admits. ‘But we had a strong base; we know each other inside-out, and we adapted to becoming parents really quickly.

‘A social life is difficult now, but we’ve already had our share of great holidays and wild nights out, though, so we’re not too bothered,’ says Anita.

Three’s a crowd?

Broadly speaking, longer relationships are stronger relationships, according to Christine Northam. ‘If you’ve worked through some of the conflict in your relationship and you know how you work as a couple, this means you’ll have good grounding to accommodate your baby when you decide to start a family.’

On the flipside, if you’ve devoted 10 or 15 years solely to enjoying yourselves, is there a danger that you’ll become resentful of the way a baby impairs upon your leisure time?

‘If you’ve got into the habit of being selfish, or being very focussed on yourselves, having a baby is a big change you’ll need to work through,’ says Christine. ‘You’ll have to put aside some of your priorities, and divert a lot of energy to caring for your new baby.’

Remember, too, that no matter how intimately you know your partner, parenthood can bring out character traits that you never knew existed. ‘Chris and I had never really argued, but we started to when Megan arrived,’ admits Anita Buncher. ‘I felt that Chris didn’t really know me but actually I didn’t know myself. Becoming a mum changed me, and it took us both a while to readjust.’

The traditional way

The conventional path to parenthood – spending two or three years dating and co-habiting, before producing your 1.7 children – has for decades been the most popular choice, but does that mean it’s the best option?

Tamsin Childs, 31, certainly thinks so. ‘John and I met in 1999, married in 2001, had Maisie two years later and Oliver two years after that,’ she says. ‘Everything we’ve done has felt like a natural progression, and we both knew where we were going. I’m pleased we did things the way we did because I think it’s given us a sense of security as a family.’

A family affair

The good news for fast-trackers, late starters and traditionalists alike is that how long you and your partner have been together is less important to the success or failure of your family life than your individual experiences. ‘What influences parenting is the model of your own parents’ marriage, your parents’ parenting of you, and whether you choose to do things differently or the same,’ says Christine Northam.

‘I’m encouraged by the fact that we’re so much more aware now of what good parenting is, and how relationships work; we know we have to give them time and attention to make them work together. Parents often don’t feel they’ve got permission to go out, or divert funds to themselves.

But if your relationship is healthy, that’s the best thing you can do for your kids, because you’re providing stability.’ What better excuse to book a babysitter do you need?